A Note On Watching Football

Do not watch football in a cave.  In my personal experience, watching football in a cave results in the team for which you are rooting to win more games. However, watching football in a cave also results in terrible football game play, temporary dementia, and a build-up of energy that can only be released through expressions of the temporary dementia. You will find yourself staring at a television, yelling, “DO GOOD STUFF,” as if the players on the screen can hear you, and your words are the motivation that puts their training and coaching together. Your desperate screams in a suburban den are their fucking fuel. You will pace. You will eat guacamole and run out of guacamole quickly. Your football team will have its best season in years. Not worth it.

To clarify, by a “cave” I mean a room by yourself. No one else. No friends, no family, nothing but TV, you, snacks, drinks. My particular cave was the hottest room in my home. I had to close the doors as to not annoy my family with my yelps and screeches.  You can text people and read things on a computer screen but physically you must be by yourself in a room. This has nothing to do with that Plutonic cave thing, so let me just get that out of the way.

Also, this is not to say that watching football other places is much more enriching or fulfilling. For the most part, it is just more fun. It can also go shittily though. Once, while watching a game in a stadium, I put my hands on top of my head. A fan of the same team then threatened to break my arms if I did not put them down. This man was drinking a tumbler full of red wine and wearing a sweaty undershirt. This man can happen. Bars are loud and crowded but you expect that so don’t worry about it.

Just not in the cave. The cave will make you supremely aware that people are not in caves. There are people drinking beers and meeting friends and meeting friends’ kids and meeting friend’s spouses and everything else. These people have colds but they are braving them because life is short. These people have come long distances and these people are tired but they are excited. You may cling to superstition that holds you in a room cheering for cold men and cold young men while you are warm and nervous and skeptical, but that is not the joy of anything.

Do not watch football in a cave.

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