Pretty Little Liars: Another Totally Normal Day

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have never been terrorized by someone claiming to be a dead friend. Therefore, I do not know how I would react if said terrorizer was trying to help me uncover the mysteries surrounding my friend’s demise while also treating me like a plaything. However, I think it is safe to say that I would be uncomfortable if that sort of thing started to feel normal. For the girls on Pretty Little Liars, this scenario may be becoming normal. It is hanging over them less like a horrible crime and more like the SATs. It’s like “Whoops, pop quiz” rather than “Whoops, potential death.” Kids these days.

Anyway, time for another dance! Pretty Little Liars High has many social functions.

Hanna is the chair of the dance. Since her leg just healed, she is making Aria do the physical labor. Aria wishes Hanna would break her other leg. When you live the endangered existence of these girls, you can joke about things like this.

Still dealing with Maya’s leaving, Emily finds she cannot contact her paramour. Apparently, Maya’s cellular phone has been programmed to only receive calls from her parents and not her lover. Hanna suggests Emily speak to the new bad boy in town, Caleb, who can upgrade her phone so she will be able to contact Maya. This is Caleb.

He reminds me of Toby without the incest and the charisma.

Cool phone hacking. Anyway, Hanna is searching for a job to help pay back her mom for the money A stole. While trying to be gainfully employed, Hanna finds her mother is in more debt than originally expected. Sean is unsympathetic because he thinks Hanna just wants to buy some new earrings. Women be eventually shopping, he thinks.

Last episode, the girls found a salacious new video connecting Alison with Ian, Spencer’s new brother-in-law. At the beginning of this episode, the girls are almost caught by Ian while watching the video. They resolve to bring the snuff film to the cops. However, when Spencer opens her bag at lunch time, she finds a yearbook where  she expected her laptop. While looking for her laptop, she runs into Ian and things are WEIRD with undertones of WHAT. Ian definitely knows that the girls know he filmed a snuff film with their best friend.

Aria’s mom (who has been gone for a while, what the deal, ABC Family? Do you hate Charmed?) comes to the dance preparations with Aria’s old babysitter, S1mone, who has found some writing success online. Aria and S1mone have a conversation about writing which is the worst (as are most writing conversation son ABC Family shows. Some lines – “Don’t dis it. There might be a really good story in there somewhere.”  “Two short stories in an online journal and your mom thinks I’m J.K. Rowling.”  “And when you win that Pulitzer you better thank me for making you turn of The O.C. and read Wuthering Heights.” – That’s ridiculous because The O.C. is great. Fuck you, S1mone.)  The babysitter goes to some English classes and Aria’s mom makes Mr. Cool Statutory Rape take her out for coffee. Aria is threatened by this. S1mone can give Mr. Fitz so many things, like the safety of not going to  jail and being not a criminal.

Lucas is still being weird to Hanna. It is an odd situation, because Lucas likes Hanna in that way and Hanna does not like Lucas in that way. Classic John Hughes dilemmas.

Speaking of John Hughes, Dance Time!!!!!!!!

It turns out Ian is chaperoning the dance, so that is awkward for everyone. It is also a dance-a-thon, so it is charitable for everyone!

Aria’s parents basically get back together at the dance-a-thon. Good for them! Now they can stop their daughter from making awful decisions.

S1mone is at the dance, since people in small towns can just come and go to dances as they please. S1mone really wants to “connect” with Ezra at the dance, if you get my drift, and my drift is creating a meaningful human understanding with him. This Phantogram song plays and it has been playing EVERYWHERE on TV.

Emily gets her phone back and calls Maya. The call does not go as well as she hoped (because Maya is brainwashed). Emily responds by getting drunker than anyone on ABC Family ever has, and that includes those reruns of Boy Meets World where Sean starts drinking.

Hanna gets this text message.

That seems like a pretty good rate. I guess that also means “A” is Lucas because that just seems like something Lucas wants. After Sean makes a tiff about Hanna dancing with Lucas so much, A ups the offer to $500 per dance. A is definitely Lucas. Lucas definitely has lots of money.

Spencer goes to retrieve her laptop from Ian’s office where, she assumes, he has locked it up. After getting the key from Ian’s pocket, Spencer goes to try to open Ian’s desk. She is unable to. New guy Caleb walks up and some weird things rich girls and pretty girls and dumb girls. Spencer gets him to shut up (thankfully) and leaves Ian’s office.

Aria sees S1mone talking to Mr. Fitz and goes to confront her. I take back all the stuff I said about Aria because someone unhinged enough to attack her old babysitter because they are seemingly stealing her (illegal) boyfriend (even though S1mone thinks Mr. Awful Teacher is single) can probably write pretty well. Spencer steps in and prevents Aria from making an entertaining decision.

Emily, drunk and SAYING SOME THINGS, talks to Hanna. She calls Hanna out on her treatment of Lucas. Emily accuses Hanna of leading him on through dancing. In Hanna’s defense, can’t people just dance anymore? Can’t we let the music take over our souls and just dance, nothing implied except MOVEMENT and RHYTHM and LAMBADA? Emily says Alison would be proud of Hanna. Sure, cool, cryptic. Hanna goes back to dancing. She refuses to dance with her boyfriend so he breaks up with her. Hanna is sad. Lucas time! They dance to a modern piano pop version of The Outfield’s “Your Love.” Classic tune!

Drunken Emily, with the strength of 1000 drunks, gets in Ian’s face and tells him she and her friends know what Ian did. Spencer, caught in Ian’s grasp, lies and says Emily knows that Ian and Spencer kissed. Very good mislead, Spencer. Ian responds that Spencer better be truthful about only her friends knowing, or else someone is going to get turned into a leprechaun. The girls bring Emily to Spencer’s to get undrunk. Lucas offers to take Hanna home. She turns him down because she needs to attend to her Hemingwayly drunk friend. A sees this as breaking Lucas’s heart but I see it as keeping promises to drunk friends. Hanna gets paid. Aria goes crazy on Mr. Great Teacher in the parking lot. Their love is a miraculous love. Everyone goes to Spencer’s for slumbers. They find Spencer’s laptop and a new picture of Alison in Spencer’s backyard the night she was killed.

NEXT WEEK: More clues and whatnot!

 

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