Gossip Girl, more like CGossipGirl (This is a CNBC joke)

(images from gossipgirlonline.net)

Gossip Girl, we need to have a talk. Please sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Gossip Girl, gurrrrrrrrl. I was in my barber shop, reading a New York magazine about the “Most New York” things or something. Adam Scott brought you up and compared your first season to The Age of Innocence. That is pretty apt! I get that. It makes sense. I mean, not anymore because you have stopped being great! It’s all young people searching for meaning and business deals! That’s no fun. What happened to pretty people kissing each other and drugs? Get back to those things and stop being an awful version of CNBC!

Anyway, there was a lot of CNBC stuff this week, so let’s discuss and be through with it.

Eric was on the show for 30 seconds because that is all anyone can take of his moralizing.

Nate’s father has been playing a lot of video games with young women since his release from prison. To be young and in love! Nate is concerned since his father keeps skipping job interviews that his parole mandates he goes to. Mr. Archibald counters that he was an important businessman and he cannot interview to be a janitor. So, Mr. Archibald goes to parties and schmoozes with the upper crust. He explains that schmoozing is like a job interview. “Sorry, Mr. Archibald, that is not how parole works!” – State of New York. Mr. Archibald eventually gets a job but more on that later.

Vanessa continues to move out of her apartment with Dan. Great move to move in with Dan, Vanessa! NOPE

Blair needs an internship. When her mom offers Blair an internship at her clothing designer business, Blair declines, only to accept the position when she finds her mother clothing a business lady that for whom Blair very much wants to work. To be fair, it probably won’t look so great on a resume when all of your experience is working for your mom/ destroying high school girls that look like raccoons. Eventually, Blair’s madcap scheme or whatever to get her wanted internship fails. Instead, she gets an internship with a fashion magazine. Good work for your poor decisions, Blair! Just kidding, love you girl.

Here is what is going on with Dan/ Serena/ Chuck/ Lily and I will try to do this quickly because UGH.

Lily is trying to sell Bass Industries to a specific company so she can eventually buy it back. She tells no one about this because she HEARTS drama. Chuck is trying to save the company. Serena is trying to spite her mother. Dan is trying to get up all in Serena’s guts. He keeps skipping interviews to do so. Whoops, no employment for you, Dan! Serena is mad at her mother for imprisoning her teacher, Ben (Lily thought they were fucking. They weren’t fucking. Monday night television is too sympathetic to teachers and students doing it, though). Lily has done some stuff to get Ben out of prison. Still, tells no one so they direct their ire at brining down Lily’s sale of Bass Industries. Lily, for no apparent reason, tells Chuck that his father’s old friend is buying the company. Chuck goes to congratulate him. Turns out, he was more of Bart Bass’s frenemy who did not know the company was in trouble. He phones the real buyer, tells him not to buy Bass industries, and buys it himself to spite the Bass family. Hey, way to buy a company, Spin City!

Also, Chuck is fucking/ will fuck the daughter of the new owner of Bass industries. Cool sex time!

NEXT WEEK: I dunno, but hopefully they’ll tell me how the Dow is doing during the show because kids care about business!

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