A great man once said, “Love! I can’t get enough of it!” Pretty Little Liars counters that they can get enough of it! “Too many pairings, let us break some of them up,” says this show. At the outset, it seems two couples are going to be separated. Emily’s mom tries to keep her from Maya. The law tries to keep Mr. Fitz from Aria. Good for the law! Bad for Emily’s mom.
Perhaps this was the most jam-packed episode of PLL ever. Perhaps when I can make claims that a certain episode of PLL is the most anything, I should reevaluate the television shows I watch. Those are questions for another day! For now, Liars! I can’t get enough of it!
Emily’s mom still hates Emily’s girlfriend, Maya. Emily’s mom hates her daughter being a homosexual more and that is the real motivation for her actions. After walking in on Emily and Maya playing footsies, Emily’s mom finds some weed in Emily’s bag. Deux ex weedina. This leads to Emily’s mom getting Maya thrown in juvie. Emily’s mom is the worst. Touchingly, Emily’s friends arrange a departing tryst for Emily and Maya. That is very kind. Especially since Spencer let’s them use her room. That… is a friendly thing to do. Emily apologizes, “So sorry, so selfish,” but Maya responds “Child, I love you regardless.” Those might not be their words.
Where Emily and Maya are the Romeo and Juliet of ABC Family, Aria and Mr. Great Teacher are the Dolores and Humbert Humbert of ABC Family if Nabokov intended you to be sympathetic to Humbert Humbert and Dolores’s love. Noel confronts Mr. Good Teacher about carrying on with Aria. He expects this knowledge to earn him a better grade on a paper. A better grade lets him play in the big game. While Mr. Good Teacher will do a lot of things (and a lot of minors), he will not change Noel’s grade. He has standards! Noel says his hand is forced and he is going to the principal.
Mr. Good Teacher gets drunk and invites Aria over. He says he loves her and that gets Aria to tell her dad that she’s sleeping at a friend’s house (EW). Aria and Mr. Good Teacher fuck, probably. When they arrive at school, there is a commotion at Noel’s locker. Someone planted a great deal cheating materials in his locker. The lesson here is that academic dishonesty is much worse than statutory rape, which will be rewarded whenever possible.
Also, the girls get this:
I guess that is a case closed on who A is then. The people who make this show also greatly overestimate the ease of sending someone completely anonymous phone calls.
Toby Cavanaugh is free to walk about town. Everyone thinks he is a murderer, though, so walking about town is no fun for him.
After A stole Hanna’s mom’s stolen money last episode, A spends much of this episode getting Hanna to do Saw-inspired feats for the cash. She gives her some money to go eat six cupcakes in front of some football players who keep taunting her with “Oink, oink.” Just then, FLASHBACK to when Hanna had a weight problem (aka wore pillows? Step up yo SFX budget, PLL). Alison catches Hanna after she has eaten a whole pie. Seemingly offering comfort we FLASHFORWARD to the present where Hanna tells Aria that Alison taught her to vomit. Just as soon as you think that Alison is a good person, they pull you back in [to the realization that she is awful and why does anyone care about her murder games]! A pays Hanna handsomely. Hanna puts the money back in her mother’s incredibly safe lasagna box hiding spot. No questions from Hanna’s mom about the money. Great parenting. Great parenting! Hanna’s mom is terrible at mothering but at least she does not hate her daughter.
Spencer’s sister decides to drop pursuing her MBA at UPenn to have lots of babies with her new husband Ian, who was once a leprechaun. Spencer is shocked by this because her sister used to be so driven. Now, all she says is “Babies, babies. I want babies. Out of my belly. In the world. Fill me with your baby juice, Ian! Sorry this is not appropriate dinner table conversation.” Spencer believes Ian is holding something over her sister. She also overhears them talking of secrets. When Ian and Melissa are away, the girls break open Ian’s huge box and disappointingly find comic books. Just then, A sends them a video. A simultaneously lurks outside to catch the girls’ reaction.
What is the video? Oh, it’s just the Alison video that the police showed them last season. HOWEVER, this time there is added footage of Alison cavorting with IAN. Then, there is some footage of the camera on the ground and some rustling and some of Alison’s hand not moving then moving then not moving again. So, it is either a snuff film or they just saw Ian do it with Alison, and by “it” I mean forest sex. Cool video! A, who was lurking outside unseen for no reason, scurries away being chased by the girls because A very much loves closing episodes with chase scenes.
NEXT WEEK: The girls strike back! Or something? There is a dance. Also, Gossip Girl comes back next week? Plus episode two of Skins? What is television trying to do, cramming all of that quality programming on one weeknight? Tuesday called, it wants some of those shows!