Few of the male characters on Pretty Little Liars are good people. You have the teenaged boys who are muscle-bound, obtusely dickish, and devoid of chemistry, the teenaged non-muscley boys who FREAK OUT when their status as a romantic prospect is removed, inappropriate Dads, inappropriate teachers, inappropriate detectives, and inappropriate brother-in-laws. I guess Toby and Alex are ok but Alex shows up once every four episodes and Toby is battling demons (and by demons, I mean his blind sister who WANTS HIM). I guess I understand our heroines a bit more now. I ask why they don’t tell anyone about their being terrorized, but if these are the people who populate their world, what choice do they have? It reminds of this song.
Not much progress is made in the finding out who A is department. Hanna is released from the hospital. Mona celebrates by throwing Hanna a wild party at Hanna’s house. I know that every time I get over a sickness or injury, but am still not fully healed, I want to invite a high school over to rifle through my things and get drunk. Good thinking, Mona!
Spencer’s sister and the kid from The Luck of the Irish are going on a honeymoon but I do not know if Spencer’s mom means that facetiously or not. Whatever. Spencer’s boyfriend Alex is hanging out. He seems nice. Recently, he has gotten a letter for a prestigious Swiss tennis clinic. He’d rather stay in America during the summer and make money for college. Definitely can’t get a college scholarship by being good at tennis. Kids these days are so pragmatic. Spencer thinks he should follow his tennis dream that he is not serious about. Later, someone anonymously applies for Alex. Think Spencer is behind it, Alex storms off. Mysteries afoot! Spencer also figures out that her new brother-in-law has a past with her maybe-dead friend Ali. Spencer has a memory like Psych from the TV show Psych.
Emily invites Maya over for a family dinner. Emily is very nervous about the dinner because her parents are not taking her coming out well. Don’t worry, Emily! Your dad is fine. Charmed, even! Your mom? Don’t worry! She is definitely not crying in the kitchen and definitely won’t tell you that your relationship makes her sick.
Whoops. Just kidding. Emily’s mom is the worst.
Toby is back from being held for murder charges. In small town America, things just move a little slower. People are kinder, days are longer, and you just let suspected murderers out on bail. Someone is very excited about this prospect and that person is Toby’s sister. She wants to make a withdrawal from Toby’s jeans account (banking incest jokes!).
ABC Family: GOES THERE!!!!!!!!
Aria, making the smart decision to keep being romantically involved with her teacher, has things go sour when her bitter ex, Noel, attempts to blackmail Mr. Fitz for better grades. I am going to have to side with Noel on this one, Mr. Statutory, I mean Mr. Fitz. Your arguments for academic honesty go out of the window when you are groping one of your students. Granted, Noel has been a dick since we found out he might be A. In a flashback, we find that he was a dick before the series even started. During the flashback, Ali breaks Noel up with his slam piece. That is probably why he murdered her. (Sidebar: If Noel is A, he is very comfortable adopting teen girl speak for those text messages and notes. I am not saying anything but I am saying be who you are, fictional TV character)
Hanna is suspicious of her mother’s new bank loan when she finds all of the money in a Pop Tarts box. Fucking economy.Later, Mona comes over and throws the party which is super-fun for wheelchair-stuck Hanna. Her boyfriend Sean is there, which is cool. He has mellowed since Hanna crashed his car for not fucking, but he is still oblivious. Lucas, fresh off of being friend-zoneded, attends the party and drinks a bunch. Instead of slurring his speech and motor functions, the alcohol makes him an articulate dick who walks over to Hanna to tell Hanna he is not hanging out with her. He just really wants to tap that. ANGER tap that. Lucas keeps being a dick and Sean almost punches him. Hanna takes Lucas outside. They talk, Lucas reveals Ali was mean to him (calling him a hermaphrodite and all) so he smashed her memorial, Hanna says she won’t tell the cops, and Lucas leaves saying something pained. Whoa, slow down there, Conor Oberst, you are being almost TOO smooth. Maybe next time you want to woo Hanna, pick her out of a crowd and talk to her. Say you like her shoes. She’ll say thanks and can I follow you. Next thing you know, up the stairs and out of view from prying eyes. Pour some wine, you’ll ask her name, she’ll ask the tiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiime.
The party ends. Hanna is alone in her house. What a scary predicament! They leave Hanna alone too much. She checks her mom’s “loan.” All gone, with a note from A saying Hanna will get the money back if Hanna follows A’s instructions. You could put this on Hanna, but I put it on Hanna’s mother for leaving her windfall in an easily accessed Pop Tarts box.
NEXT WEEK: Closer to A. Does A like to hurt (A do A do ) Then hurt meeeee – eeeeeeee! Also next week: Less Bright Eyes references!