Gossip Girl: No Duh Lily is the Worst.

After weeks of story, tons of conspiracy, and one character almost pulling an Oliver, Gossip Girl finally let us know what was going on with Serena, Juliet, Juliet’s brother, and the guy from Air Bud. What a relief! And, surprise, it was all Lily’s fault! (Not really a surprise, you guys) Sometimes I wonder what I get from this show. Tonight, I got a valuable parenting lesson: If you want a no hassle way to change schools, accuse your child’s favorite teacher of having an affair with your child.

Blair and Dan team up to find out what the heck is going on with Juliet and Serena. This is really just a lengthy way to get these two characters together who have not yet been together. In three episodes, Dan will probably be pregnant with Blair’s baby. The duhnamic duo has no way to find Juliet until Dan suggest they ask Gossip Girl. There have been four seasons of this show  and this is the first time someone has had that idea, for the record. Gossip Girl fires back.

Much like a Sphinx, Gossip Girl loves riddles. This is not Juliet’s address in Connecticut, but a place where they can find info on Juliet. It is some sort of yuppie winter break sex house where former owners of athletic puppies hang out. Hi Damien!

Damien talks about his past with Serena. Meanwhile, in New York, Serena talks about her past. Meanwhile, Chuck and Lily do some boring business news stuff. Worst use of Chuck ever! There are some flashbacks to Serena’s party days. She likes absinthe. She likes Soulja Boy! She dances to this song while Damien does her homework.

Unfortunately, she does not know the dance.

Somehow, Serena realizes her studies are important or she wants to fuck her teacher or something so she buys him a coffee and asks about arbor imagery in Plath’s poetry. Turning on a dime, that Serena does! By the way, the teacher is this guy.

This is the fourth time a teacher and a student have had a relationship on this show. Get new plots, this show! At least, this time, the adult acts like an adult and turns Serena down. For doing the right thing, Lily accuses him of statutory rape. She later tries to explain to Serena that she just filed something and it was out of her control. Sorry Lily, I am no Jimmy Smits’ character from L.A. Law, but that is not how that works.

Also, Lily is going to sell Bass Industries. “Fuck you, Lily.” – Chuck Bass, basically.

Rufus is pissed just for the sake of being pissed. Stand by your wife in her assholishness, asshole.

Everyone leaves Lily. Serena says she is going to take a “road trip.” She goes to visit Ben since the student-teacher relationship has no control over their bodies now. Nate starts preparing for his dad’s release from prison. He buys his dad some new clothes. That is a very kind gesture, Nate! Chuck is off to Australia to make a deal with the devil Jack Bass. Blair and Dan are going to stay home and do the dishes. In three episodes, they will be doing each other.

NEXT WEEK: No GG! Until January 24th! That will give me time for my Letters To Juliet review!

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