Gossip Girl: Get Serena!

I give Serena Van Der Wood Sen a hard time. Most of the time, she is inconsiderate, immature, and a walking disaster that sometimes wakes up next to dead people (the original plot of The Sixth Sense). However, last episode, Serena took some steps forward. She’s going to focus on her education and stop sleeping with her professor and finally choose between Dan and Nate (still with the Dan and Nate?! Geeeeez). Even though she still belabored the Dan and Nate thing (twitter hashtag “it’s a process!”, twitter hashtag “overuse of parenthetical notes”), I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt, this episode!

Juliet will not give her the benefit of the doubt. At the end of the episode, Juliet might even steal Serena’s kidneys.

Serena and her mom are meeting with the Dean of Columbia. At Columbia, the Dean is sure to deal with PR/ disciplinary issue first hand. Ivy League institutions don’t have large departments to deal with those sort of things. Anyway, the Dean tries hinting that Serena should leave Columbia. Lily tries hinting that Columbia should be honored to have Serena there. At some point, the Dean drops her subtlety detector and starts backing up Lily’s backhanded/ sarcastic remarks.  Take that, Lily’s reverse psychology! No decisions are made. Serena is going to stay. . . for now.

Lily meets with Juliet and basically gets blackmailed? Juliet knows that Serena was involved with a teacher during boarding school. Ew. Sorry, I am trying to cut down the judgment. As you were, Serena. Now, about illicit boarding school affairs?

Lily, being very mad about getting TAKEN, lashes out at Serena. Very good parenting. There is almost too much love in their house.

Anyway, let’s check in with the DUDES.

Dan and Nate are at odds since they are both vying for Serena’s affection. Both miss each other, though. Vanessa reunites them for her ulterior motives, but Dan and Nate seem happy to be broing strong again. The Serena Problem still weighs heavy on their skulls. They discuss:

DAN: “Verily, this romantic entanglement and competition is perplexing.”

NATE: “Lacrosse is a competition.”

DAN: “I propose a gentlemen’s agreement!” (Dan takes off glove, throws it down to signify a duel) “Each of us prepare a magical evening and ask for  the accompaniment of Ms. Van Der Wood Sen. Her choice of activity shall be her choice of romantic engagement. A gentlemen’s wager!”

NATE: “I play lacrosse.”

So, Dan and Nate work hard on these dates. They propose their fancy evenings to Serena. Little do they know. . . mischief. . . is afoot. . .

Blair and Chuck are trying to keep up their friends with benefits routine. That goes fine until Chuck, in the heat of the moment, tells Blair he loves her. This guy gets it.

Complicating things further, Chuck and Blair both discover their public personas suffer from their relationship. Girls Inc. won’t hire Blair if she dates Chuck. The Hotel Empire does not fill up if Chuck’s preferred style of footwear is Goody. Eventually, Blair and Chuck realize their love is more important than everything else. Girls Inc. and the Hotel Empire be damned! Except, the Empire fills up when Blair and Chuck go public. And Blair gets her position? Nope! Blair is told that “the man your with may not be a reflection of you, but you will always be a reflection of him.” Whoa, antiquated female empowerment lady! Blair and Chuck decide to split to pursue their passions. Chuck says they will find their way back to each other. Awwwww.

Also, Blair is told Serena wanted the Girls Inc. position. Little does she know. . . mischief. . . is afoot. . .  in the form of . . .

Jenny Humphrey.

Well, actually, Juliet more so, but Jenny and Vanessa are there. Even though probably has more beef with Blair and Chuck (who are only slightly hurt in the scheme) and Vanessa has more beef with Juliet (who is not hurt in the scheme), they both agree to take down Serena. Let the felonies commence.

And I seriously mean felonies. Jenny does some Hackers shit to Serena’s phone so they receive all her texts and can monitor her calls and send texts as Serena. This leads to them stringing along Nate and Dan. Serena has no idea! They also plant a fake resume with the Girls Inc. lady to offend Blair. Again, Serena has no idea! At the masquerade, Jenny and Juliet dress up as Serena in order to frustrate Nate and Dan more.

Nate and Dan both get a kiss from “Serena” and then find this blast,

This is uncomfortable for Dan and Nate. It is probably more uncomfortable for the audience as we come to the shocking realization that Jenny may have made out with Dan for this plot.

So, Serena has no friends. She has no lovers. She has no family, sort of! She still has Eric, but fuck Eric basically is what she says. It doesn’t help that Juliet drugged Serena’s mask. Wait, what?

I assumed the plot was just to rid Serena of her human relationships, but apparently the plot is to rid Serena of her vital organs. Juliet also sends this last message from Serena’s phone.

Man, Juliet is being super mean to Serena and we have NO IDEA WHY.

TWO WEEKS: Serena adjusts to life without kidneys, one lung.

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