This week’s Gossip Girl opens with a scene that says a lot about my frustrations with the show. Serena walks in, wakes in, and says “I need to talk. I have Colin issues.” Blair just wants to go back to sleep which is a metaphor for the audience not wanting to listen to Serena. It is also a signal that Chuck is going down on Blair at that moment, but that’s later talk. Gossip Girl walks a fine line of great Robyn cameos/ Blair+ Chuck time and the other characters about whom I don’t care. This is a tight rope walk. It is basically what the documentary Man on Wire was about.
So yeah, boo Serena, yay Chuck going down on Blair!
Most of the gang does stuff this week, except Dan who realizes he loves Serena or something that he’s realized every episode Serena and Dan are not together. Isn’t he still living with Vanessa? Whatever. Good growth, Dan!
Serena wants to be with Professor Smiley in public. He says no because of image and standard perceived morality, but suggests he and Serena take a weekend trip and stay in separate rooms. Sounds like a good weekend. This guy gets it.
Serena’s not so sure. After a pep talk from Dan (who at this point definitely WANTS IT), Serena confronts Smiley and asks him to give something in this relationship. He decides to give up his professorship to be with Serena. Good for him. Serena and him break up twenty minutes later in a limo.
Nate tries to return some belongings to Juliet. He then finds out Juliet has been lying to him about where she lives, so he enlists Vanessa and 4square (HA!) to help him break into Juliet’s apartment. Nate provides a distraction while Vanessa snoops. During Nate and Juliet’s fake coffee talk, Juliet reveals her true self, so Nate calls off his breaking-and-entering companion, but not before Vanessa finds that Juliet has pictures of Professor Smiley and Serena canoodling.
Also, Juliet drops all her allegiances to her prisoner brother very suddenly for Nate. Glad that worked itself out! Hopefully, Nate’s dad gets over his prison beating for nothing soon.
Vanessa is really excited to take these photos to the dean. Vanessa is really excitable and aggressive this week. I think Vanessa may be on drugs. Juliet tries to stop Vanessa from doing so. Vanessa blackmails Juliet. The dean says “What the fuck, kids? I am just trying to watch the ballet.” It is revealed to the dean that Prof. Smiley was involved with a student. The dean says “If it was Serena, (and I think it was Serena, because Serena, yous a ho) there will be some problems.” Blair and Chuck step in. Blair says she was doing Prof. Smiley. Chuck fake corroborates her story. Boom. Juliet roasted. The dean asks Vanessa who she is. The dean = the best.
Juliet is met outside by and angry posse and told not to come back to Columbia.
Chuck and Blair are doing sexy things again. They agree that they should probably stop doing sexy things. Before that, they do a lot more sexy things. In limousines! In basement stairways! While Serena is sitting on the bed! Crazy kids!
Blair thinks the best way to quit Chuck is to stop seeing him. Chuck thinks the best way to quit Blair is to overdose on sex with her. Clash of the reasonable solutions, over here. This was basically the plot of the movie Kramer vs. Kramer, yes?
Blair and Chuck get through the ballet and helping Serena with a combination of each other’s methods (seeing each other, no sex). They decide they are friends. Best friends! Then, Chuck carries Blair up the stairs and the fire roars. Awwwww.
Lastly, Juliet skypes Jenny and says they should destroy Blair and company. Also, Vanessa is in. Worst super-villain team ever.
NEXT WEEK: Probably a war between Jenny/Juliet/Vanessa and everyone else. Very bloody and uncivil.