Gossip Girl: Dancing On My Ugh

For me, this was the most anticipated episode of Gossip Girl ever. Ever! Why so anxious? Because pop superstar Robyn was making a guest appearance! Robyn! “Robyn?” you say. Well, this, I say

I do not think you are ready for this jelly, Gossip Girl!

Before we get to Robyn, there is a lot of bullshit going on, but let me be real, this show always has a lot of bullshit going on. In this case, the shenanigans are keeping me from Robyn so I judge these shenanigans more harshly than I usually would.

Remember when Serena wanted to focus on her studies and not date her professor? Well, we all got PSYCHED OUT. Serena is looking for a droid to man her station. She and Professor Smiley have decided to wait until the end of whatever 1-credit course they are involved with to end so then they can start their very appropriate and normal relationship. True love waits! Until the class ends, they will meet during office hours and make faces.

Back in Columbia, Serena and her professor get high and make out with their eyes. Anyway, they continue their sexy game of sexy chicken but they must make sure no one finds out about their forbidden love. That is going to be tough when Serena wears this number to the party at the end of the episode.

Now what, Professor Smiley? YOUR JAW HAS DROPPED.

Since this show is only on for 22 new episodes a season, they have to cram as many important social events into one episode as possible. Therefore, it is Blair’s birthday and Rufus/ Lily’s anniversary. Blair’s party takes precedence since you only get to beat teen pregnancy once, but Lily and Rufus will probably have twelve one year marriage anniversaries by 2015.  Blair’s party is set to be THE event of the year! There is one problem though, and that problem is the big black sky of Chuck Bass over her town. Blair knows where he’s at; she bets Jenny is around (Jenny is not around). In order to make things right before her b-day, Nate and Serena organize the drafting of an official teenage treaty. There is a notary there for officialness.

ANYWAY, now that they have that ironed out, everything should go fine. EXCEPT, Dan and Eric are feeling mischievous. They want to get Chuck and Blair back for being mean to Jenny and taking away her light or something. All the ideas Dan and Eric come up with are terrible. They settle on a rumor about Blair and Jack Bass meeting somewhere exotic for an erotic rendezvous. Blair calls bunk because Jack was in Chile. Umm, how did you know that Blair? You cannot put one over on this pair. Dan and Eric should know better than to fuck with Blair. If they knew better they would do better.

Blair’s party is great. Rachel Zoe is literally there. Dorota delivers  a sweet speech. Then, some blonde woman shows up with another blonde woman in tow. Who?

KONICHIWA BITCHES

So then I’m all

For a bit, Gossip Girl underutilized Robyn. Robyn just stands around. Ummmm, KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS GOSSIP GIRL. Eventually, wrongs are righted and the show includes Robyn in by letting her sing the acoustic version of the international superhit “Hang With Me.”

Oh yeah, so Robyn shows up with a tape of Blair drunk and singing. She sings well, that Blair does! Anyway, she is super embarrassed. She blames that knave Chuck, but that other knave Dan Humphrey is responsible. His father, Rufus, is disappointed with him. So Dan makes 12,000 paper bouquets to show he loves his dad and new mom and is sorry for being a dick. Humphrey family reconciliation! If Dan’s world should fall apart, there is plenty of room inside Rufus’s heart!

Nate goes to the party to help keep Serena away from Professor Smiley, I mean Colin. Things get weird for Nate because he sees Juliet there. He confronts Juliet about her clandestine ways and finds that Professor Smiley is actually Juliet’s cousin. What does it say about Nate that he assumes Juliet is going around with members of her own family?

If Nate thought things were complicated, Juliet’s REAL life is SUPER complicated. Colin provides for Juliet’s education. However, since he has been a professor for like two weeks and school has been going on for about a month, they need to keep it quiet from Columbia that Colin and Juliet are related. Higher education hates professors having family members, especially ones who matriculate at Columbia. Through this whole back and forth, Juliet discovers that Colin and Serena are involved but not involved (if you catch my drift and my drift is physical intimacy). Juliet’s prisoner brother Ben tells her to use this for their plot. No offense GG, but we are seven episodes in and I have no clue what is going on with these people, so fix that. There’s a penalty for plot crimes.

Anyway, everyone’s had a dandy time. The Humphreys are cool, Serena and Colin make out a little and are unaware of Juliet’s plot to bring them down, Nate’s practicing lacrosse and trying to get over Serena still but Nate, you are better than that! Nate’s so bored in this town! Take him away from here!

Chuck and Blair have some unfinished business. They hate each other! They hate each other so much they rip up their treaty! And then they rip their clothes off each other and do it on a piano.

Very glad they caught Chuck intensely removing Blair’s underwear because I was confused as to what was going on there.

NEXT WEEK: Chuck and Blair iron out their relationship. They know what’s on the audience’s mind; there will be time for that, too.

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8 thoughts on “Gossip Girl: Dancing On My Ugh

  1. Elizabeth says:

    AHHH!!! So many Robyn references! Very nice.

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