Sometimes, Gossip Girl is oddly timely. For example, this episode deals with sexual health. Columbia University, the place where all the characters go, was just named the most sexually healthy university in America. Also recently, the California pornography industry came to a halt as a male performer tested positive for HIV. So current! So Gossip Girl!
Serena has been besmirched. Rumors! Spreading across town! How will this affect everyone? How will dynamics shift? Will Serena and Blair realize that living across town from their college is a bad idea? Maybe. Maybe!
Pre-Serena-STDgate, Serena is just another girl trying to get to school across a crowded metropolitan area. It is almost too convenient. Serena needs a cab to get to Columbia, but a smiley guy who lives in her building is constantly stealing her cabs so they can take home his conquests from last night. Smiley Guy is all smiles.
Hold on. He looks very familiar. . . I can’t put my finger on it . . .
Ohhhh! It’s Joan’s husband from Mad Men! What could possibly free him from his Mad Men obligations? Let me consult my history book. Oh, the Vietnam War. How convenient.
Anyway, Smiley Guy is always smiling and stealing Serena’s cabs as a way to see Serena (as a consolation prize, he spends lots of nights with lots of other young ladies). He asks Serena to meet him at the only bar in the city that makes a drink called the Red Snapper. Ew that drink name. I know it’s a fish, but this man does not look like a fisherman if you catch my drift.
Meanwhile, everyone else has their own problems. Blair is trying to get a TA job with a visiting business professor because that seems like something in which Blair is interested. Nothing can go wrong with that plan, right?
Whoops, there is a line to register for the class and whoops, Chuck Bass is taking the class, and whoops, Chuck Bass is taking some classes (classic Ivy League agreement to non-student donors), and whoops, Chuck Bass is the TA. Sorry, Blair’s dreams!
Chuck and Blair exchange some words about their war. Chuck mentions that he used to love Blair’s pie. It should be noted that while Blair is holding a pie at that moment, Chuck is not referencing that pie. He is referencing another pie of Blair’s that is most certainly a sexy pie.
Back to business, Juliet is still up to no good. However, her brother/ lover/ cohort Ben suspects she is falling for Nate Archibald. He plays lacrosse. Juliet assures him that she is just coming up with a killer plan that will ruin Serena. Why? The audience does not know yet.
So, Juliet sends a tip to GG that Serena has the clap or something and GG sends it out in one of her too wordy e-blasts. GG needs an editor.
Everyone is freaking out and by everyone I mean Serena, Dan, and Nate. Also Juliet but she is faking it. Serena has more problems since she keeps missing her English class because she lives across town for no reason. She arranges to meet with her professor, but Smiley Guy and then Vanessa confronts her because Vanessa is really secure of her relationship with Dan, not. Serena misses her professor again. He texts her to let her know. In the Ivy League, all the professors sext their students.
Speaking of Vanessa, her better (lol) half, Dan is concerned about Serena’s venereal health for some reason. He just wants to make sure Vanessa knows that he only cheated on her a little bit with Serena. It was just mouth stuff! Not even kinky mouth stuff! Just kissing. Dan goes out of his way to send Serena an e-mail saying he feels bad about everything because he loves Vanessa. What an odd e-mail to send unless it becomes a plot point.
Speaking of which, it does! Juliet, being evil, convinces Vanessa that they should steal Serena’s phone to make sure she doesn’t have an STD. Juliet wants to do this to keep up appearances to Nate. Even though Juliet knows that the Serena thing is a lie (sure), she has to prove it to Nate before he is DTF. Their conversation goes like this.
NATE: It is upsetting that Serena has this STD scare because now I am scared for my genitals. And just before I was to love you down, Juliet! I play sports.
JULIET: I know, Nate! If only there was a sure way to find out if Serena definitely has some STD.
NATE: Lacrosse is my sport of choice.
JULIET: I know! I will check her e-mail somehow. What a roundabout way of doing this!
NATE: Lax 4 life.
So, here Juliet is stealing Serena’s phone. Here is Vanessa with her, making sure that Dan is clean. The shenanigans twins, these two!
Turns out, Dan was being truthful to Vanessa. She smiles.
She is going to love Dan down!
But be warned, Juliet had Serena’s phone for a very long and evil time.
Hopefully she didn’t e-mail Serena’s professor at the party and promise him sex for a better grade. Oh, whoops, she did do that. Serena is in hot water.
Somehow, Juliet swings it back around with some lies and sleight of hand to frame Vanessa for sending the e-mail. Nate corroborates Juliet’s story because he WANTS IT if you know what I mean. Everyone hates Vanessa! (Thursday at 9/8 central on UPN9!) She moves out of Dan’s apartment for the fifth time in two weeks. Very mature living decision, you two. Serena is cleared! Boo.
Chuck and Blair have been continuing their battle of wits. Blair attempted to get the TA position by setting the visiting business professor up with a nice guy from Cyrus’s firm. Chuck pulls a double switch and makes it look like Blair set her visiting business professor up with a woman, which makes it seem that Blair wrongly thought her professor was a lesbian.
This guy gets it.
The professor discovers Blair and Chuck are crazy. She lets both of them go. “You’re fired!” she says, a lá Donald Trump. Blair and Chuck’s war continues because Chuck did Jenny. Speaking of which. . .
So, everyone hates Vanessa. Serena goes to meet the Red Snapper guy to probably get murdered. Chuck and Blair are still in love and lust and hate with each other but they just won’t admit it. Chuck calls Parsons School of Design to give a recommendation for Jenny (“Excellent lay.” – Chuck Bass) Juliet’s plans are going well. Nate’s plans? Well. . .
TWO WEEKS: Jenny’s back? Ugggggggggh.