Gossip Girl: Headlines Don’t Sell Papes. Chuck Bass Sells Papes.

The death of newspapers will occur because traditional press has stopped giving the people what they demand. The people demand more Society-type stories in the business section! Newspapers would be in much better shape if they replaced stories on economic policy/ trends with musings on a young man who is using his considerable wealth to run a hotel/ impress his girlfriend, political goings-on with tales of Dan Humphrey’s heart , news of crimes with discussions of Serena Van Der Woodsen’s outfits, and crosswords with Sudoku.

In the world of Gossip Girl, newspapers are booming because they CARE about their readers.

Another paper’s take!

Chuck is big news! Blair is following Chuck’s every move through the internet. For some reason, Gossip Girl is not covering this, so Blair has to rely on IRL websites (I guess that sophomore Columbia course load is a breeze!) What’s going on with Chuck now, Blair’s computer?

Chuck. Bought. Eva. A. Watch. Chuck never bought Blair that watch! Probably because it wasn’t available when they were dating. Who cares! Blair is angry! Serena thinks Blair obsesses too much over Chuck and Eva. Say, let’s take a look at Serena’s computer.

Uh-oh, SERENA’S BUSTED! (I guess that freshman Columbia course load is a breeze!) Way to call Blair’s pot black, Serena’s kettle! Also, while Blair may be going overboard, at least she is directing her obsessive jealousy in a single direction and not aloofly feigning interest in two occupied young men because it makes you feel pretty and gives you an excuse to wear a dress with oddly cut holes in the front. To think, I defended you last week, Serena. I defended you!

Speaking of Dan, he is down in the dumps because he developed an emotional connection to a baby that was never his. Vanessa decides to punch Dan in the fucking brain while he’s down by inviting over these two for brunch.

Way to drive your boyfriend away, Vaness!

So, Dan goes over to Serena’s and for a walk in the park and does some awesome internet snooping for Blair regarding Eva and Chuck, while making awful attempts to get Serena to go down on him. Ladies of Searchdotcom.

Speaking of Eva and Chuck, they are doing great, thanks for asking! Chuck even decides to give some money to charity because Eva is a good person. Good for Chuck! Blair, hellbent on destroying Chuck’s happiness, spies on Eva selling Chuck’s gift. Uh-oh, but not really uh-oh as Eva reveals she was selling it to help Chuck’s valet keep his house (that he lost to some gambling debts because he bet on the Mets to win something). That kindness makes Chuck just want to give money HARDER. Better snoop better, Blair!

Enter Dan’s manly, triumphant, virile search skills that reveal Eva used to be a whore. Whoops! Dan promises to keep it a secret with Blair and Serena but he then tells Nate. Nate then tells Chuck. Chuck says he has known of Eva’s oldest profession for a while but he has lied! He discusses it with Eva and they are cool, because being a prostitute has never stopped Chuck from taking something out to dinner before and by dinner I mean an opium den with sex.

Nate thinks Juliet is cheating on him. He is wrong and what she is doing is probably so much worse. She will probably murder him. But! Nate is concerned with his gf. He wants to do things with her! He wants to go to her apartment and pee in her toilet and smell her pillows and leave his toothbrush in her bathroom. To his research!

Oh no! She’s dating a hobo in the subway! Sad Nate.

Watch out, Nate. Juliet is here to murder you!

Just kidding, she’s not going to murder you. . . YET. At the gala later, Nate sneaks a peak at Juliet’s phone.

The hobo’s name is Ben! I guess Juliet is just not that into Nate. Sometimes they are called feelings because our clandestine scheme to destroy someone looks a lot like cheating on Nate. Anyway, Nate gives Juliet the business. He tries to get all up on Serena’s grill, but he does not because Serena is doing her Serena thing (read: being awful). Juliet apologizes and takes Nate to her apartment OR DOES SHE screencap of her paying a doorman to us an apartment?!

Dan also tries to get all up ons Serena, but 

the old ball and chain gets on his case. They talk about feelings and reunite and lead some viewers to think they are going have sex in a crib (spoiler: of course they do). Feelings affirmed! File that under who gives a shit!

Oh yeah, Serena just goes on wearing dresses and trying to not choose between Dan and Nate the same way I try and not choose between Alison Brie and Alison Pill.

Great dress, Serena!

So, Chuck gets fooled into thinking Eva only likes him for his wealth because Blair plants Chuck’s passport in Eva’s luggage. Juliet is offended and leaves Chuck because of this. He is super sad. He is upset with Blair! She counters that he should not have slept with Jenny Humphrey or left the Empire State Building. He declares war on her. WAR.

This is what Blair thinks of your war!

Next week: Juliet is surprised everyone has slept with everyone on this show. Juliet, have you met these people?

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