Gossip Girl: Columbia Is Just Like Vampire Weekend Described

It’s the first day of school! Everyone is so excited but oh no GOSSIP GIRL IS DOWN, I REPEAT GOSSIP GIRL IS DOWN! How will I know what classes to go to or where to eat lunch or what Blair Waldorf is doing at the student union?! This is like in my real life when Juicy Campus stopped existing. You guys remember Juicy Campus? There was so much juice there. The juiciest! I could always find the hottest gossip and who was DOING IT with WHOM and where the best place to grab a post-midterms slice of pizza.

So, everyone is freaking out because of a website (The Social Network – out this Friday!). How does the day go?

Dan doesn’t go to school because he is too busy caring for his son. However, Rufus is quick to point out that it is not his son. Fair enough, Ru. Soon, Dan finds that Georgina escaped to St. Bart’s, so it looks like he is stuck with this kid. He takes it pretty well, surprisingly, but I still fear for this baby’s safety. Let’s just say I wouldn’t let Dan Humphrey change my diaper with a ten-foot pole. Vanessa suggests she move in to help Dan raise Milo. He agrees and says “This is a scenario that cannot have a bad outcome.” Georgina returns and explains that the baby came from a dalliance between her and a Russian man on a plane. The man’s wife found out and ordered to have Georgina killed, because Russia. Georgina escaped to New York (it’s usually the other way around!) and tricked Dan into caring for the baby because he is nice. Anyway, Georgina takes the baby away. I fear for the baby’s safety still. Let’s just say I wouldn’t let Georgina Sparks change my diaper with a twenty-foot pole.

The moral of the story is that Dan and Vanessa are living together in a gorgeous Brooklyn apartment like any normal college sophomores.

While Dan is kind of decent this episode, everyone else is kind of an asshole. Sort of.

Blair is concerned with obtaining admission to a secret society called the Hamilton House, but honestly, when is Blair not concerned with obtaining admission to a secret society? I guess in the secret society world, it is quantity, not quality, that counts. If there was one be all and end all society, this would not be Gossip Girl, it would be something else and I think they already made that movie with Pacey Witter and the not-thinking man’s Ryan Gosling. They called that movie The Skulls.

Serena and Blair walk around campus, tra la tra la. Let’s go get our keys to the secret society, they say, tra la tra la. Maybe they should go to class? No, keys first, class never, tra la tra la.

They show up to Hamilton House to get their keys. Very secretive. They see familiar faces like

her! and also

Oh shit, her? Juliet is the keymaster. Is Juliet still of college age? This does not bode well for anyone as Juliet has some secret, sketchy-ass dealing going on (more on that later). This does not bode well for Serena, particularly, because Serena thinks Juliet is out to get her. Serena is under the impression that her milkshake brings all the Nates to the yard and this threatens Juliet.

She is kind of right! The Keymaster only has one key left and it goes to . . . Blair?!?

Serena understands. Actually, she does the opposite of that.

But Blair is excited. Blair dives right into the Hamilton House, ordering around underlings, going shopping with Juliet, and even blowing off dinners with Serena. Too bad Serena can open her computer and see what’s going on.

Oh yeah, Gossip Girl’s site redesign is done. Now, she sends very long and involved e-blasts.

Get it, Gossip Girl, and by “it” I mean a word limit.

Serena is upset because she was starving and totally ready for dinner when she found out about Blair being mean. Evidence.

Very ready to dine.

Serena tries to hang out with Dan, but he has baby mother drama. Serena tries to hang out with Nate, but she is sort of demanding and cannot see that her cheating/ dumping of Nate hurt Nate. To add insult to injury, Serena sees this


I feel bad for Serena. She is in a new situation and she expected that, by now, everything would be ok but all of her friends are so far away and, sure, she has her family to fall back on, but the days are tough and filled with a self-defeating sadness of clinging to a life she loved, a life filled with laughs and free of cares , a life where she didn’t think about her future enough and now she is here and everyone is gone and it’s just tough to talk about, and everyone talks down to her (consciously or subconsciously) like she’s a failure because she can’t make her way around “Columbia” and she keeps getting rejected from secret societies, and maybe she is a failure and failure is all there is, and it has been so long since the sun has been shining, I mean, really shining, do you remember how the sun would shine so fucking brightly sometimes?

Also, her hair is a mess.

Blair and Serena eventually come to the conclusion that Juliet is conspiring against them because they are very popular and Serena used to do Nate in kitchens, mostly. They hatch a plan where they send a fake video blast from Gossip Girl of the two of them fighting. This is supposed to prove that Juliet is mean.

The best parts of the fake fight are the TRUTH BULLETS that Serena and Blair shoot at one another. Of course, Blair’s truth bullets are better. She calls out Serena, her promiscuity, Aaron Rose, and her mother’s definitely having fake cancer.

Anyway, with Lily and the Bass Industries’ board’s help, Juliet is stripped of her duties of keymaster and Blair and Serena get into the club, I guess. They also move in together. Woo-hoo.

Nate goes to the fallen Juliet while she is volunteering at a party. He tells her that he is still just that into her. They have an intense first kiss in front of everyone. Get a room you two!

Later, Juliet goes to prison to meet with her conspirator, this guy.

Who is this guy? It’s not Carter Baizen, right? He kind of looks like Matt Saracen. I wish he was Matt Saracen! It’s just some guy, in a minimum security prison. Juliet tells him not to get raped.

Speaking of rapes, Chuck Bass had a weird week.

Chuck has brought his European girlfriend, Eva, back to America, like that Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. Chuck and Eva have sex on top of Chuck’s hotel. Nate sees their happiness and guesses that Chuck hasn’t told her everything. Um, what everything, Nate? Admittedly, Chuck and Eva are moving pretty fast with this whole moving-to-America, living together, rooftop lovemaking thing, but I don’t expect Chuck to give Eva a laundry list of awful things he has done. Maybe Nate just means Chuck should tell her that he slept with Jenny Humphrey and his circle of family and friends are just not that into that. It’s not like Eva hasn’t slept with other people. She lived in Prague! It’s like Hedonism IV over there, I hear.

Chuck wants to introduce Eva to his family. He contacts Lily because of her sympathetic ear. She sends Chuck a sext.

Their conversation goes well, all things considered. Lily tells Chuck it will be tough for the family if he comes back, but that he should bring Eva to some fashion party to properly introduce her to the gang.

Eva goes to buy a dress. She sees Blair. Blair is cold to Eva. Eva makes this face.

Eric is not too happy that Chuck is back. He wants to defend Jenny’s honor! He does so with this passive aggressive text to Rufus.

Eric also tells Rufus that Chuck once tried to rape Jenny. So, Rufus is a little upset to say the least.

Rufus confronts Chuck at the fashion party. The whole time, I thought Chuck was going to get punched. He doesn’t get punched. Rufus says he is going to warn Chuck’s new girlfriend about his evils. Chuck ignores Eva as a way to keep Rufus from being mean to her. Chuck tries to apologize later, but to no avail. Lily explains everything to Chuck and Rufus and things get ok pretty quickly. To Chuck’s avail, Eva comes back and meets Chuck’s family. Everything is hunky. Everything is dory.

At one point, Gossip Girl makes mention of some “risky business” when Eva is on-screen. I think they are foreshadowing that Eva is a prostitute.

Chuck has a family. Rufus didn’t punch anyone. Serena and Blair are in the club. Nate has a new girlfriend. Nate’s girlfriend’s plot to bring down Nate is going swimmingly. Dan and Vanessa live together. All the problems are solved!

NEXT WEEK: More problems arise. Maybe, The Crying Game.

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One thought on “Gossip Girl: Columbia Is Just Like Vampire Weekend Described

  1. teresa says:

    lol juicy campus and lol that sext from lily. totally missed that! also, i’m so happy jenny is still gone.

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