Once again, Gossip Girl took the transatlantique rout for an episode. In one country, Blair dates, Serena investigates, Chuck runs away from life! In another country, Nate schemes, his new friend creeps, Dan whines about getting tricked into couch sex! America and France are so different!
Blair and Serena begin the day by eating pastries in a café, due to France. Blair makes a Sophie’s Choice reference regarding Serena’s dilemma between Dan and Nate (which is odd considering that I thought she and Nate broke up and I thought she had closed the Humphrey book [The Humphrey book, by the way, is called A Portrait of the Artist As an Awful Human Being Who Needs To Learn To WRAP IT UP When In Georgina Sparks]).
I am cool with this because I love references to Sophie’s Choice. Cannot get enough of them. They are almost always appropriate, especially for Gossip Girl. Blair has to leave to go on a second date with Louis despite her awful first date. She must have done some convincing convincing if you catch my drift and my drift is persuasive speech. Lily calls Serena up. While Serena thinks they are going to have some good old fashioned Van Der Woodsen GIRL TALK, Lily actually informs Serena that she needs to go to the morgue to identify the body of her stepbrother, Chuck Bass. Lily also makes her swear a secret oath not to tell people that she is going to identify her stepbrother’s body. Very fun thing to ask over the telephone. Let’s go to the morgue!
Turns out, the body isn’t Chuck’s but it has Chuck’s stuff and Chuck’s blood on it. You’d think that the morgue would be more thorough and check the dental records, but they do things differently in France. C’est la vie. B*witched gets it.
So, where is Chuck? Oh, he is in Paris. What a coincidence! Very coincidence. He and his new girlfriend, Fleur Eva moved there so Chuck could stop having nightmares and Eva could train for the next Triwizard tournament. They seem very happy. Chuck gets a job in a bar. He is qualified because he wears vests.
Chuck goes to work and leaves his exotic Czech/ French girlfriend to her bowler hats. On the way to work, someone spots him. She makes this face.
Here, Blair looks shocked. Eventually, she’s all like “Oh, hey Serena, I saw Chuck. I got some dirt on my shoulder, can you brush it off for me?” Blair is focused on her date with Louis. She can’t deal with Chuck sightings right now.
Chuck is shaken from seeing Blair so he suggests to his girlfriend that they move to India. Henry Prince is spontaneous in ways that Chuck Bass never could be. He tells Eva that he has a small inheritance that will help them make their way.
MEANWHILE, Serena keeps sticking her nose into Chuck’s business. She goes to bars looking for him because he has “an intimate relationship with alcohol.” That is cold, stepsister. Chuck’s new employer directs Serena to Chuck and Eva’s love nest, where they are all
Serena shows up. She is very thankful she found Chuck! Eva wonders who is at the door. Chuck playing Henry playing coy says “You must be confused, lady at door” and shuts the door in Serena’s face! BOOM. Serena waits for Chuck to leave his apartment and they talk about people caring about Chuck and Chuck regretting things and love and blah blah blah this show needs a coke gala, STAT. Chuck leaves. Serena wears this
Blair’s second date with Louis goes well since Blair puts on an act. Louis buys it and invites Blair to meet his parents. That seems soon to me, but they do things differently in France. Louis sends Blair a bunch of gowns and asks her to go to Harry Winston to get jewelry. Chuck sends the deed for Hotel Empire to Serena. Serena needs to talk to Blair about it but Blair does not want to hear it. She does want to hear Harry Winston.
Blair and Serena run into each other at Harry Winston. Inspector Clousseau brings Serena because the store has some evidence regarding Chuck/ the dead body with his stuff. The ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair (before he fucked Jenny) has ended up in the same jeweler’s to which Louis sent Blair. To make matters worse, Blair loves Chuck’s engagement ring! Conflicting emotions, Blair Waldorf. You have some. So Blair has to choose between saving Chuck and her dream date with Louis. Louis gets confused.
Blair runs to the train station to convince Chuck not to take the train to India because of feelings and it being a super long train ride. Serena and Blair pass Eva. As soon as Blair rushes by, Eva knows it over (but it never really began). I would like to see a show that explains why Eva reacts so surely and defeatedly when a be-gowned woman runs past her by a train station. There’s some pain behind those eyes. This guy knows.
So Blair and Chuck have a talk that is not as beautiful and heartfelt as it should be. Basically, Blair is just not that into Chuck anymore, but that doesn’t mean he should run away from his life! During the talk, Chuck sounds a lot like Anakin Skywalker from episodes II & III. Chuck took the one thing that made him beautiful and he threw it away, or something. It seems like Chuck is going to come back. Good. Hopefully he can start doing fun, illicit things again. Like opium dens! The kids love those.
Blair stays in Paris a little longer and gives Louis one of her shoes. Chuck apologizes to Eva and decides to bring her to New York! Watch out, New York, Chuck Bass is going legitimate!
Meanwhile, back in BOREMERICA, Nate is complaining to Juliet about his long standing love for Serena. The devious-to-us but kindly-to-Nate Juliet suggests he make sure Dan Humphrey is out of the way when Serena comes back so he will be able to tap it uninterrupted. I hope so much this sparks a Dan vs. Nate fight to the death.
Once Juliet goes over the situation, she sees clearly that there is unfinished business between Vanessa and Dan. She begins to exploit that. Nate says
and then he’s all
Just let Juliet do her work, shoulders. Just let her work.
Rufus is still skeptical of Georgina being truthful about Mylo’s parentage. Is Rufus going to be logical for all of this season? That scares me.
Eventually Nate’s Juliet’s plan to get Vanessa and Dan back together succeeds and when I say it succeeds I mean that Dan and Vanessa fornicate on the couch. If you ever go to the Humphrey loft, don’t touch anything. Dan has copulated on/with everything. During pillow talk, Dan discovers that he has been had. He is very upset that Nate tricked him into having sex with a pretty girl. Sorry, Dan, but that is something my mom calls a GOOD problem. He sends Nate a strongly worded text to Nate’s Jitterbug.
Nate and Dan meet to fight to the death talk about their feelings. Dude Roof Talk ‘010 is a success. Dan realizes he does not want to be with Serena and so does Nate, I think. Nate has had a lot of tender moments with Juliet.
Nate, ever the opportunist, tries asking Juliet out. She says to wait a little longer since he just got over Serena. That is good advice. Then, Juliet goes to her secret lair and takes down all her secret photos and has a secret phone conversation with Poppy Lifton or Scott or Carter Baizen or Serena’s dad or Grandfather. I hope Grandfather. Juliet had a secret mission that appears to be making sure Nate and Dan don’t want to do Serena anymore. Mission Accomplished?
Serena comes back to a whole new America where Dan has a child and Nate has a crazy friend who is totally going to murder/ Oliver everyone on the show. Blair sends Serena a message asking who she chose of Dan and Nate. Serena responds that she is going to let them choose. What does that mean, Serena? You are out of control. Your vagina needs to go on hiatus. Ew. Sorry.
Rufus discovers Mylo’s bloodtype from which he concludes Georgina is a liar. A liar. Her pants are on fire. Lily asks Rufus to calm down and says he is no doctor. Ummmmm… Sorry, Lily, but you thought you had cancer on the basis of your unhinged ex-husband’s diagnosis. You also accepted that Dan was the father of a child from a paternity test that had no DNA of his involved. It’s like the test tube calling the beaker glass over here. Science jokes!
NEXT WEEK: Secrets! Society! Secret societies!