Gossip Girl: A Moveable Ugh

Waiting for Gossip Girl to return was particularly hard because of all the cliffhangers the spring’s season finale had. “What happened to Chuck after he was shot?” we questioned. “How long before Dan accidentally murders his infant son?” we queried. “Will Rufus continue his awful existence?” we asked. Actually, we did not ask that. Rufus will forever  excel at lowering the bar for being.

But, let us not lose sight of the matter at hand: what happened to Chuck Bass? As he is such an important character, we should probably jump right into what happened with him, yes? No? Just ignore him for fifty-five minutes? Hey, it’s Gossip Girl‘s world and I am just along for the ride, begrudgingly (not really begrudgingly).

The show starts with a look at Blair and Serena abroad. Blair shops, goes to museums, and tries to forget Chuck. Serena meets a lot of men. One of which wants her to draw him like one of her French boys.

Serena and Blair have some conversations about their time in Paris. They are living different Paris worlds! Blair gets jealous at Serena’s summer of loooooove (she can’t get enough of it!) because if there is a story Gossip Girl has never tackled, it is Blair being jealous of Serena. Serena’s secret admission into Columbia will probably not affect her fragile friendship with Blair, nope, of course not.

Blair goes to a museum and meets a charming man named Louis. Louis is struck by Blair because she is deep. For example,

Blair is so deep that when she suspects Louis is a possible Prince of Monaco, she calls Serena and demands they go shopping. What follows is one of the worst montages in the history of montages. Gossip Girl narrates a tour of shopping Paris where we never actually see Blair and Serena. If the Sex and the City movie has taught me anything, it is that you never pass an opportunity to have a quick-paced montage of women wearing different clothes.

After the blah-tage, Louis shows up for his date with Blair with a date for Serena. Serena’s date, Jean-Michel, turns out to be the real prince of Monaco and Louis is just a chauffeur. Blair is psyched about this.

Just kidding, she feels really bad about it. Her date does not go well. She becomes repulsed with Louis. She becomes more repulsed when she discovers Serena will be attending Columbia University In The City Of New York. Blair storms out of the restaurant. Serena follows and they argue next to a fountain. There are two hits: Blair hitting Serena, Serena hitting the fountain.

Blair goes back to dinner fully intending to start hitting on Jean-Michel. Serena returns moist and ready to cockblock.

Louis tells Blair to relax, baby girl. Now they can spend some time alone. Blair has more of a fit but then Louis counterfits and reveals he is the real prince of Monaco!

Serena and Blair have a heart to heart where Blair tells Serena she is scared and heartbroken and sad. It sounds like a way to distract Serena from the jealousy issues that plague Serena and Blair’s friendship. Since this is Serena we are talking about, it works of course. Blair and Serena are ready for New York!

But! perhaps New York is not ready for them? Things have gone down. Things have happened. Rufus and Lily are up to their old tricks of backhandedly criticizing their children and having a dysfunctional marriage that hangs by a thread of a passionate youth remembered but not rekindled. Rufus also keeps mentioning how he hates Chuck since Chuck had sex with Jenny. I don’t remember this sort of anger from after Chuck attempted to rape Jenny but Rufus was probably too busy organizing the Lincolnhawke reunion tour or longboarding or something. He says that Chuck should get whatever is coming to him which might be assault or murder. Lily makes this face.

Lily and Rufus host a midday fashion event that gets interrupted by Dan’s shenanigans. What are Dan’s shenanigans you ask? Please don’t ask. They are awful shenanigans as usual.

Because Dan didn’t wrap it up one time with Georgina, he has a son named Milo. I guess Twilight was right about sex. For the whole summer, Dan and Georgina have stayed in their apartment. Rufus has not seen them because he cannot be bothered to visit his son. Thinking something to be wrong, Rufus sends Vanessa to check on Dan. Vanessa is upset with Dan because he has not called while Vanessa was interning for CNN: Haiti. Vanessa is shocked when Dan has a baby because she has met Dan and realizes he would be an awful father. (Sidebar: during the discussion with Dan, Vanessa makes a remark along the lines of “. . .  in the name of the God that I don’t believe in. . .”  Wow, great character development, Gossip Girl! It just FITS that your “edgy” character would espouse her atheistic beliefs in an awkwardly worded throwaway non-joke about her ex-boyfriend’s new fatherhood. It just seems tawdry and demeaning to actual atheists to throw this trait onto a stereotypical character.)

Anyway, Dan and Vanessa go for a walk in the park where Dan admits he has not signed the birth certificate yet and that he has not had a paternity test. Georgina forces this issue when she interrupts Rufus and Lily’s fashion event to tell them about Milo. Georgina also reveals that she has done a paternity test done. She got the test results back and Dan definitely has fatherhood. So, Georgina had a paternity test done with no blood sample from Dan. Of course this is how paternity tests work. Rufus, shockingly sensible, says that Dan should have his own paternity test down. Since that is logical, everyone backs away from it and Dan signs the birth certificate. Then, Georgina leaves to buy a pack of cigarettes. . . and probably never returns. . .

Nate has spent his summer working through Chuck’s little black book. This is as good at time as any to say that Serena and Nate need to shut down their vagina and penis, respectively. All summer with the doing it! Geez! I mean it could be accurate to Paris. I just talked with some college kids who remarked about their sexy times in city of lights, but I will spare you all since this is about Gossip Girl and not getting handjobs on the banks of the Seine.

Nate takes one of his dates to a nice restaurant because he is a gentleman. However, his date is not a gentlewoman. She is rude to a nearby diner.

After Nate’s date starts making out with Travie McCoy or someone else in the restaurant, he starts talking with the reader named Juliet. She probably wears glasses! Nate tries hitting on her but she has an important meeting for which she cannot be late. This important meeting is Rufus and Lily’s fashion thingy where she again encounters Nate. Nate asks her if she’s tired from running through his day all day. Then, he gets a phone call that his harem has gone and done this

Nate’s new lady tells him to call her when he gets his shit together. He’s all

He gets his shit together and calls Juliet. They decide to meet for coffee in twenty minutes which is enough time for Juliet to clean up her CRAZY PERSON WORK AREA.

What about Chuck? Well, after he was shot, he was found by the Beauxbatons Academy’s entry into the Triwizard tournament. She nurses him back to health. After an insightful dream about what an asshole Chuck has been, he decides to start a new life in Europe. He tells his caretaker an assumed name that he decides on after seeing a copy of Henry V in her apartment. A regular Keyser Soze over here! Chuck and the girl from In Bruges fall in love and move to Paris. MEANWHILE, Lily gets a call that Chuck’s body was found in a river in Paris. Well, I guess Rufus is happy about that.

NEXT WEEK: Chuck’s new life is found out! Blair and Chuck reunion? Cedric Diggory gets killed!

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One thought on “Gossip Girl: A Moveable Ugh

  1. barrycyrus says:

    haha nice review. and oh, this is so true:

    “It sounds like a way to distract Serena from the jealousy issues that plague Serena and Blair’s friendship”

    and juliet = creepy!

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