Oh my word, guys! The Pretty Little Liars finale! You may think this recap is super late but I JUST GOT OVER the shocking happenings of the finale. Really, it has taken me this long to process what went on in the finale.
So many things went on! Car crashes! A return from the grave! Parental drama! Statutory rape, maybe! Field hockey canoodling! Also, the most elaborate camping birthday party on ABC Family!
The episode centers around Hanna’s (sort of) best friend’s birthday “glamping” trip, Camp Mona. All of the other girls want to pass on the party, on account of the older men/ girls they want to make out with during the weekend. Suddenly,
A is so timely with her threats! Also, that sounds like a fun scavenger hunt. I hope no one gets run down with a car!
Hanna and Mona seem to be on the outs. According to Mona, this is because Hanna spends too much time with other people and won’t skip school to go to a small Pennsylvanian town’s best restaurant. To keep up appearances, Hanna’s mom gives Hanna the last $100 bill in her wallet. It is very sad and another reason that shows should not go into the lives of the parent figures.
Aria and her dad are struggling with Aria’s mom not being around and Chad Lowe’s character’s potential cocaine problem. He is very alert for most of this episode. Cocaine alert.
Spencer’s sister is really excited that her old boyfriend is back. All of these former flames have made out with Spencer. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free and make out with Spencer? In a related flashback, Ali sees Spencer making out with the aforementioned former sister flame, Ian. Ali calls Spencer a skank for this.
Aria’s new boyfriend wants to spend all Sunday laying around [sic] (suuuuuure) watching old movies (handjobs). Mr. Fitz is super jealous and conducts himself professionally about the whole thing. By professionally, I mean if his profession was lead glazer at the Cinnabon and Aria was a co-worker and they made out during lunch break.
The FBI steps into Alison’s murder case because Det. Sweet Balls fails at his job. The FBI shows the girls a video of Alison that resembles the beginning of many a celebrity sex tape or a snuff film. Probably a snuff film.
More Hanna’s mom finance sadness. Ugh. Here’s some happy!
Eventually, Hanna’s mom starts stealing from an old lady’s safe deposit box.
Aria gets a book from A. The book is a poetry anthology that asks Aria open up to this page.
Watch out, W.S. Merwin! There’s a new poet LOLreate in town!
A girl approaches Hanna and asks for the name of her liposuction doctor. Hanna is confused because she did not have liposuction; she had good old American perseverance. When she next sees Mona, Hanna is told that A texted people telling them that Hanna used liposuction. Mona is so mad at Hanna because while Hanna lost weight with liposuction, Mona lost weight with an eating disorder. Mona un-invites Hanna to Camp Mona. Uninvited, like that movie with Elizabeth Banks or this song.
THIS IS THE LAST STRAW, A! NOW IT’S PERSONAL.
Aria confronts Mr. Fitz about his poem. They use the words “love” and “us” and “truth” but not “plea bargain” which is weird. Aria tells Mr. Fitz to move on when her new boyfriend strolls in. His face looks like he knows what’s going on. Tough break, bro.
Ian goes to visit Spencer’s sister by tapping at her window in broad daylight. Under Spencer’s advice, Melissa begrudgingly agrees. Then Spencer tells her friends that she keeps stealing Melissa’s boyfriends. What a bad sister!
Under some specious evidence, the authorities issue a warrant for the totally dead Toby Cavanaugh. The girls deduce that Toby was also the boy who directed Alison’s snuff films.
Emily and Maya are hanging out, exploring their relationship, when Emily’s dead returns from military service. Welcome home, soldier! Your daughter has discovered herself! Emily’s mom kicks Maya out for family time but the look on Emily’s mom’s faces says she kicks Maya out for unleashing something in her daughter. Tough break, vampire slayer.
Aria and her mother meet. Aria’s mom has been painting. Soon, she and her friends will drink red wine and dance around purses.
Emily and her father talk about truth. Emily’s dad means it in regards to Toby Cavanaugh. Emily means it in regards to her lesbianism. They are on different wavelengths. A sends Emily’s mom some photos of Emily and Maya kissing. Way to ruin a moment, A.
Toby contacts Emily the best way he knows how.
Great way to show up again, Toby. Not threatening at all.
Toby explains his situation. His tattoo about September 1st, he explains, is a memorial to when he stopped fucking his sister. Jenna was unhappy about this. She tried to coerce Toby into keeping their relationship going. Jenna still loves Toby. I bet Make It Or Break It never gets into these kinds of things. Toby tells Emily he is going on the run at midnight. He invites Emily in a sort of Bruce Springsteen-ian effort. He asks her not to tell her friends as they would probably call the cops.
Mona shows Spencer and Aria around her luxurious birthday party. There is a massage tent, a manicure/ pedicure station, a place to get drinks, and a blowdrying station known as the “blow me bar.” Ummmmmmmm…..
Emily tells her friends about Toby and they want to call the cops. A then texts them to tell them the hunt is afoot. Trying to leave, Mona tells Emily and Aria it’s their “Turn to get blown.” Ummmmmmmm….
Spencer sets out in pursuit of A. Hanna keeps her lookout post. Mr. Fitz asks to see Aria. Emily and Aria have this done to their heads
Spencer finds a clue from A that is derogatory to blind people. The girls are so bad at finding A. The girls spend the rest of the day not figuring out where A is.
Toby gets taken by the cops outside of a church. Good hiding spot, fugitive!
By a camp fire, the girls deduce that A is hiding at Wright’s playground. Emily and Spencer go to check the playground. At some point, Aria snuck off to meet Mr. Fitz in his car. It goes illegally.
He explains that he was looking for another job so he could leave his job at Aria’s high school. Then, Aria and Mr. Fitz could be together. I do not think that is how dating high schoolers works, teach. Meanwhile on lookout, Hanna discovers Aria and Mr. Fitz’s love affair. Some shadowy figure, that I assume is A, writes “I SEE YOU” on the passion-fogged window of Mr. Fitz’s car, which may as well be the rainbow party van from that episode of Degrassi.
Hanna says she knows who A is and texts her friends to meet her in the parking lot. Hanna does not say who A is in the text of the SMS. In hindsight, this proves unfortunate. Emily and Spencer race to meet Hanna. Aria does too, but first she has to find a handy wipe in the back of Mr. Fitz’s car so she can clean up.
They find Hanna BUT THEN OMFG THIS HAPPENS
Ok. Hanna should have probably just texted A’s identity to her friends. I know that it’s a big piece of news that she wanted to share in person, but with crazy people running around, you have to be careful. Secondly, A also seemed to tease about revealing her identity (it seemed like a taunt). So, why A run over Hanna in a car for knowing who A is? THIS MAKES MY BRAIN ACHE.
According to the books, Hanna becomes somewhat amnesic after this car accident but I do not know how closely this show follows the books. I will conduct more research.
I am not sure when Pretty Little Liars will return. I am hopeful for its return though. Maybe Pretty Little Liars and Gossip Girl will come back at the same time! Oh no, what if they are on the same night? So much intrigue!