Pretty Little Liars. . . Oh, hey, this show has a version of Seth Cohen or 12

Hey everybody! MAN, I haven’t seen this show in a while! What’s going? Who is the terrorizer? When will Mr. Fitz be charged of a crime? How many Pretty Little Liars recaps can I do in a night? LET’S FIND OUT.

First, all the girls are hanging out because Aria is sad that she separated from Mr. Fitz. They separated because Mr. Fitz was afraid of being caught for committing his statutory relationship crimes. Good, I was afraid he was developing a genuine conscience. So, all the girls start joking about homecoming, someone makes a Samantha Ronson/ lesbian joke that hits a little too close to home for Emily, and then they order Chinese food. Fun meal! Until they find that their unknown transgressor has found a way to insert custom threats into their fortune cookies. The bad guy took over the fortune cookie industry? IS NOTHING SACRED!?

Hanna goes to an Abstinence Club meeting to woo her boyfriend Sean. Abstinence Club is one of Mystery’s proven seduction techniques. Right, Abstinence Club moderator?

Right.

So, the guy Hanna is chatting with is basically the awkward/ funny part of Seth Cohen (Toby is the liking music part). I think that his banter with Hanna during “sexercise” roleplay means they are, in the future, going to have real sex. That’s just my guess for this show and it’s determination to bring in new characters.

Emily and Maya have a conversation in the lunchroom that is brimming with romantic tension. Later, Toby asks Emily to the homecoming dance while peppering in some the Smiths reference (very Seth Cohen of him). Emily’s young sexuality is being pulled in so many directions (two, strictly speaking). Hanna later confuses Maya into going to homecoming since Hanna fancies herself the sapphic Jim Lange

Spencer’s guy who is not a doctor with a cool accent visits her as she makes the set for homecoming. Also, he is poor! Spencer is very insecure about his poorness and tells him not to pay for the dance or buy a suit. It takes a village, Spencer.

Jenna has a sisterly clandestine meeting with Toby.

Hanna and Aria talk about their parents’ problems and boys. File that under who gives a hoot. Hanna doesn’t really get Aria’s problems but gives her roundabout advice before describing a dress as “the Bell Jar.” It’s almost like this show respects literary American women too much.

They all go to the dance. Hanna’s friend Mona is a cunt to everyone. Spencer dresses like she’s in that one No Doubt video.

Spencer’s sister shows up, too. Spencer is very antagonistic to her sister whose life she ruined. Spencer also endorses plagiarism. She is batting 1.000.

Lucas (the Seth Cohen kid from Sexercise) totally gets shut down by Mona, who then calls him a hermaphrodite. Great insult, Mona!  Hanna looks wounded by that. Lucas wears a bow tie. He is that guy.

Aria helps out at the bean bag toss. Mr. Fitz is working it, too. Aria tells Mr. Fitz about A. By the end of the dance, the booth will smell of illegal, illegal sex.

Toby shows up and suggests that Emily and he go see a Fritz Lang movie. Toby knows what gets teenaged girls’ motors going. Emily and Toby walk into the dance and everyone freaks out. Panic! at the homecoming dance.

The dance goes on. It becomes more apparent that Spencer’s sister is going to try to hatefuck Spencer’s date as revenge. I see nothing wrong with that.

The girls who are not Emily figure out that Toby has a tattoo of “901” that represents September 1st that represents the day Alison was murdered. They rush to get Jenna’s psychiatric file to convince Emily that she might get murdered. Hanna asks if she can wait since she believes Sean wants to take her to born-again second base.  Classic abstinence jokes! Everyone treats this task like Mission Impossible 3.

Lucas shows up outside and cements his nerd status by making a Millenium Falcon reference that offended me. You think you can just toss out Star Wars references and make a character one of US, Hollywood? I don’t think so! So, Lucas gives Hanna a ride. Hopefully, he also gives her a ride, if you catch my drift.

Spencer and Alex are getting their fortune read. The last Tarot card is marked with a menacing message from A so Spencer goes off to try to save whichever BFF is in trouble. Maybe I just don’t get all the levels, but I doubt there is any way A could successfully pull off this whole scheme without being Victor Von Doom when Victor Von Doom was Sorcerer Supreme.

Mr. Fitz gets really pissed when he sees Aria dancing with a boy her own age. He is not very mature. Not saying I am mature (as I sit in the basement eating Cheez Doodles and watching ABC Family “ironically”) but if you are a high school teacher, it helps to be able to not want to fuck the high schoolers or at least not outwardly appear scorned when dancing at school dances happens. Mr. Fitz is just really upset that he can’t take Aria to the movies. This guy knows what he’s talking about.

Things begin to culminate when Toby tells Emily his secret/ Hanna finds a file with Toby’s secret. Parallels! (Hanna and Sean win homecoming kind and queen but Hanna’s not there because Sean wouldn’t sleep with her.) The file on Toby says he and his stepsister used to sleep with each other? Or the flashback says that? I am not sure what to believe on this show! It’s like The Dreamers but without France. The girls rush to save Emily from Toby because they think that secret makes him want to kill the girls? High school has gotten so advanced recently. Aria texts Emily that they have proof of Alli’s killer but Aria is a fucking liar. Again, I am no lawyer, but I don’t think the secret they know is definitive proof. I have also watched enough Law & Order to know that stolen confidential files don’t hold up in court.

Emily and Toby get into an altercation. I guess the date’s over?  Emily runs away and eventually falls out of shot, screaming. The mysterious black-gloved figure then adjusts the town’s population sign to have one less person. So, I guess Emily’s dead? But how would the murdered know that? Whatever. Sorry, my brain. 2 episodes until I’m caught up!

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