Pretty Little Liars. . . Harper Lee Must Be Psyched About This

RECAP: At the end of last week’s episode (or two weeks, I need to do better keeping this schedule), Spencer sees blind Jenna SENDING A TEXT MESSAGE. The closing shots made this out as a damning confirmation that Jenna was posing as the girls’ dead friend to freak them out. How would our heroines deal with this information?

They would not. They do not. They go into the woods. To perform a  ritual? Hopefully. I want this show to turn into The Craft: The Series so badly.

The girls go into the woods to make a shrine to their dead friend Alison. Constant swarms of gnats upset Hanna. The other girls laugh and point out Hanna’s make up and perfume causing the gnats to bother her. I found that odd because obviously all the girls were wearing make up and perfume since they were going into the woods to build a makeshift grave for their friend who may or may not be dead.

Speaking of maybe or may not being dead, Hanna drops a bomb and says she is not sure Alison is really dead. “WHOA! Calm down there, Hanna!” is what her friends say as a reaction to this. They treat Hanna with kid gloves because she used to (still does?) have body image issues, which you can see when they make her wear a fat suit in flashbacks.

JUST THEN, the girls hear some rustling in the woods and then they all get threatening text messages which means… opening credits! Then, jumping to another scene. I hope no one was murdered out there.

Detective Sweet Balls is in Hanna’s house investigating her fridge (snap!) and also her mother’s willingness to degrade herself sexually (DOUBLE SNAP!). The relationship between Hanna’s mother and the detective gets more serious since there has been no progress on Hanna’s shoplifting chargers. His murder investigation goes swimmingly, though,  as he continues to sleep with a suspect’s mother and not wear clothes.

Aria enjoys breakfast with her folks. She also enjoys To Kill a Mockingbird. She is so psyched about it! She has sixty pages left! She doesn’t want it to end! Which is a weird thing to say! because by my count, with about sixty pages to go, (spoiler warning) Tom Robinson has just been wrongfully convicted of raping Mayella Ewell. Total place I wouldn’t want a novel about the Depression-era South to end.

All is going well, when Chad Lowe is approached by the teaching aide (not a student! Sorry, I jumped to conclusions) to whom he used to give extra credit and by extra credit I mean car sex. Aria, who is an expert on appropriate things, is pissed that Chad Lowe still interacts with this person. “It’s a small town,” he says. “Who haven’t I fucked?” Aria decides to take matters into her own hands regarding this strumpet.

It would have been better if they could have gotten Hilary Swank for that role.

Chad Lowe also suggest that Aria write a novel because television needs more literary types with questionable morals. Right this, guy?

Exactly.

My favorite story line deals with the fallout from Spencer’s kiss with Dr. Cool Accent. Spencer’s sister saw it and now her wedding is off. Dr. Cool Accent also moved to a close-by city and is “squatting” which I guess in British means “hanging out in a cool apartment and maintaining an appearance of general well-being or even excellence.”

Some of the best stuff includes Spencer acting like a victim for destroying her sister’s engagement. The very best stuff includes Spencer’s sister saying “It was hard enough changing my status on Facebook!” This show! What, is it sponsored by Kin or something?

Oh.

Hanna’s boyfriend, Sean, is pumped because his boy Noel’s parents are going out-of-town! You know what that means.

This will provide perfect opportunity for Hanna and Sean to fuck. As her friend Mona says, “If you are not together that way, how do you know if you’re together together?”

Emily’s boyfriend, Ben, is also really psyched about Noel’s party. On this show, parties in cabins are the only time teenagers can copulate. Emily invites Maya to the party, too. While doing so, she only makes two or three sort of flirty remarks. Few enough to be subtle but enough for the people who are PAYING ATTENTION to see what’s really going on.

Everyone’s in school when Jenna appears with Toby Cavanaugh, who is sort of like Monsieur Mallah to his stepsister’s the Brain. He was the kid that Alison accused of being a pervert.We learn that Toby takes the fall for the fire that blinds Jenna. So, either Alison had something on Toby or Alison let him feel her boob.

Detective Sweet Balls comes to school and interrogates Hanna, since he is such a by-the-book cop who is totally doing this investigation in a normal cop manner. Things get bad for him when Hanna, a tenth-grader, sees through his cop tricks and walks out of the interview. Good job being outsmarted, Detective Sweet Balls!

Jenna passes the remaining girls and says something that totally makes it obvious that she is the secret text sender. The way Aria and the others are handling this whole thing, you’d almost be disappointed if they weren’t murdered.

Aria and Mr. Fitz share a tender moment in an open classroom.

And now my computer has to go to jail for that picture.

Speaking of jail, when Spencer goes to see Dr. Cool Accent, she compares her life to The Hurt Locker. I don’t think Spencer actually saw The Hurt Locker. Or maybe the DVD she got from Blockbuster that was supposed to be The Hurt Locker was actually America’s Sweethearts. Just a guess. Dr. Cool Accent leaves Spencer with a comment indicating he wants to tap that.

Emily is taking a shower when she starts getting borderline sexually assaulted by her boyfriend. Then, Toby comes in and starts beating the shit out of Ben. Emily then breaks up with Ben. Things escalate quickly in these locker rooms.

Aria goes to visit her mom but is shocked to see her dad’s former mistress visiting as well. Give it a rest, Aria. Chad Lowe is going to fuck whomever Chad Lowe wants to fuck.

Detective Sweet Balls makes a weird comment about Hanna using handcuffs. Then he goes through Hanna’s bag. Hanna’s mom realizes that her boyfriend is WEIRD so she dumps him. At least she gives him a pizza.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but this episode has a lot of talk about people going and arriving places using the word “come” which I can only see as subtext. Whoops, I’m off to prison again.

Finally, we get to Noel’s killer party. Much like a locker room, things escalate quickly. Not for Aria, though. She leaves, goes to her mom’s gallery, and then goes to Mr. Fitz’s place. Fine, Aria. Be awful. Own awful.

Spencer plagiarizes a an assignment for school. It’s ok, though, because I bet she’s really the victim in all this. What’s that? Oh, Spencer, Aria is calling on line terrible.

Sean is really interested in scoring at foosball. Hanna is really interested in scoring at doing Sean. They have conflicting goals during the party.

Emily and Maya go use the party’s photobooth. Eventually, they make out and the photobooth takes pictures of that. HOWEVER, a mysterious hand in a black glove steals the photos. I’m sure no one at the party noticed that there was a person at the party walking around in a cat burglar outfit.

Hanna and her boyfriend go to do it. Sean doesn’t want to do it though because of religion or some shit like that. In a completely proportionate response, Hanna steals his car and totals it. The lesson here is your possessions are destroyed if you don’t have premarital sex.

After leaving the party, Emily thanks Toby for saving her in the locker room. Jenna is very upset about that.

The next day, Spencer reveals that Alison made Toby take the fall for blinding his step-sister in an explosion. Emily advocates meeting in person to talk about this business when the group needs to, just like the New Day Co-Op.  A rustling in the woods scares them again. They are even more freaked out when they find Alison’s bracelet in the woods.

Oh hey, the mysterious cat burglar is back.

I guess we know where the photos went! I guess everyone is getting murdered next week!

NEXT WEEK: Everyone gets murdered.

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