You know what I hate? I hate when you are hanging out with your friends in a barn next to one of your friend’s houses during a storm, listening to this song, drinking some nondescript alcohol and telling SECRETS, then everybody falls asleep and then you wake up and two of your friends are missing and then you find out one of your friends was searching for the other friend (so you only have really one missing friend, cool deal) and can’t find them and then you all drift apart for the summer or year (I am not really sure of the timeframe) and then everyone comes back from Reykjavik and it turns out your missing friend who was missing is now your missing friend who was murdered but she’s still sending you threatening text messages written by someone featured in Super Sweet 16 and whoops, you are fucking your English teacher. I hate that.
Oh, that’s this show? Sign me up.
Pretty Little Liars is about that scenario. That is the premise. “What happens if you wake up in a world of intrigue? Also, your friend got murdered.” I saw that on a bus ad for this show. This show kind of seems to be a mix of a horror plot line (What up I Know What You Did Last Summer and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer) with the mentality of suburban Gossip Girl and some Lost mystery, maybe. I am not sure where this show is going. This show goes a lot of places. Things escalate rather quickly.
First, here are the people in the show!
Those are the main characters. This picture does not include their fifth murdered friend.
So, after the weird opening where they lose their friend, the girl all the way to the right comes back to Rosewood, Pennsylvania with her father after being away for an undefined amount of time. It could be a year or it could be a summer. At first, it seems like it’s time for summer vacation but then it’s all back to school time. However, be assured that there is a rift between the four above friends caused by misplacing their fifth friend. In their defense, their fifth friend seems like a mean person who deserved to be murdered.
So, right-girl Aria Montgomery comes back from Europe/ Iceland (topical) with her dad, Chad Lowe. Her mom was on Charmed. Her brother plays lacrosse and is whiney and will probably get murdered. I’m not sure how frequently there will be murders on this show. She may or may not live in the set of Buffy Summers’ home.
First thing Aria does after getting back to town? Cruises for some dick. Just kidding, she goes to get a bite to eat at a bar. She is approached by a young man who just graduated college and is beginning his teaching career as an English teacher. What a funny coincidence since Aria is literate, I bet! They discuss enjoying reading and then it’s mid-afternoon make-out time because they really understand each other’s souls and genitals.
This is the face of a cradle robber.
Inappropriate touching is a theme on this show.
Hanna is in the middle of shoplifting, which is a thing she does often. This will lead to her mother bargaining for her release by fucking a local detective. That is how small towns work.
Hanna also has an eating problem which is shown through her eating ice cream sometimes and her friends being mean.
Emily seems pretty normal and has not changed while Aria has been in Europe. She also spends a lot of time outside of the house of her definitely-no-doubt-murdered friend Alie. The house has just been sold and the new teenaged girl who now lives there asks if Emily wants to smoke some weed and move boxes and talk about boys. When in Rosewood, right? So they do that. New girl Mona has a boyfriend from Canada. Emily has a boyfriend who is a swimmer (like Emily) but he has more of a runner’s body, but not really a runner’s, more like a long-relief pitcher, but not really baseball player, more like a hockey goalie, but not a goalie, more like a swimmer’s body.
Spencer seems like the responsible one of the group. She worked the whole summer in order to move into the former murder-barn that she remodeled. However, her parents do not honor that agreement and instead give the murder-barn to her sister who is engaged to Dr. Cool Accent. Spencer is pissed so she decides to take it out on the jacuzzi. Dr. Cool Accent wants to use the jacuzzi, too. Spencer is sore from field hockey practice so Dr. Cool Accent gives her a massage that he learned at Oxford. Then, there’s a knock at the door as the pizza they ordered shows up and then – Oh, I’m sorry. I was confusing this with something else. Anyway, Spencer’s sister calls for her fiancée and Spencer leaves. Looks like someone’s in the mood for some British cuisine and when I say cuisine I mean Spencer desires him romantically/ sexually.
The man that Aria was talking to in the bar turns out to be HER English teacher for the year since this is a television show. As this is an ABC Family show, they decide to keep going through with their touching, in totally appropriate places, like schools or funerals.
Also, Aria’s dad may have been sleeping with Aria’s now-of-course-dead friend Alie. AWKWARD (EDITOR’S NOTE: Commenter Sarah points out that Aria’s dad was canoodling with another student that was not in the friend group). Aria holds this information over her father’s head. I think it serves as a reminder that Chad Lowe should never have cheated on Hilary Swank.
Hanna gets taken in for shoplifting. As mentioned before, her mother fucks them out of it. In a twist that the show doesn’t really address that much, the detective who does Hanna’s mother also is the lead detective on the Alie disappearance case.
Everyone on this show has secrets. That’s the theme. Aria is involved with her teacher. Hanna is a kleptomaniac. Spencer is only interested in men who are dating her sister (It is hinted she has tapped those resources before). Emily sometimes has awkward, too-long good-bye cheek kisses with Mona. She also may have made out with Alie before Alie was totally murdered. These are their secrets. And they have more secrets! A mysterious figured named “A” constantly texts them at weird, not convenient times about these secrets. A is probably ghost Alie. Ghost Alie knows everything, even recent things.
Oh yeah, eventually they find the body of Alie, which is a shock, because she’s only been missing for a year. Total surprise for everyone. At Alie’s funeral, the texting ghost keeps texting. Our heroines are freaked out. They are more freaked out when a blind girl named Jenna shows up at Alie’s funeral. There are many hints that our protagonists caused Jenna’s blindness or that Jenna isn’t actually blind and is the weird texting ghost. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids who are set on doing age-inappropriate men!
In closing, at one point, Chad Lowe says “orally obsessed.” So it’s going to be that kind of show.