Gossip Girl: The Most Eventful Three Minutes at the End of Any Episode, Ever

Similar to everything else in this world, the current season of Gossip Girl must also come to an end. It seems like just yesterday that Rufus and Lily had a marriage-threatening argument about where to order take-out, or that their lovechild had tracked them down, or Bree Buckley was calling Grandfather a socialist, or Serena was making sure her absentee father saw her naked in Ibiza with Cristiano Ronaldo, or Carter Baizen was being assaulted on an offshore oil rig. Now, all those things are over. Soon, the whole season will be over. Sometimes they are called feelings because Chuck Bass can’t adequately express how he feels. I promised myself I wasn’t going to- Excuse me for a moment.

We start, as so many episodes have started, with Nate and Jenny in bed together. DON’T WORRY. They didn’t fuck or make out or anything. This show just loves tricking the audience by putting the characters in a bed together in the morning and having Jenny inexplicably wear one of Nate’s button-down shirts. Jenny is upset that Nate fell asleep while Jenny was talking. I have some deleted-producer’s-cut dialogue from their talks:

NATE: I know how you feel Jenny. One time, when I was a prostitute, I was sad too. I played soccer.

JENNY: Oh Nate. You get me so well! I wish we could be toget-

NATE: Now I play lacroszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (sleep)

So, no Jenny and Nate. At least not yet anyway.

It looks like Nate Archibald is not the only person in his relationship in bed with a Humphrey! Serena is also in the relationship and in bed with a Humphrey. Not Rufus, unfortunately. Just Dan.

Serena and Dan pick up right where they left off (they left off in the land of broken dreams and despair). Apparently, they fell asleep. After talking. And wine. And kissing. And then they probably murdered a drifter with drugs since that is how they roll.

Before they wake up, Jenny Humphrey takes a picture of Dan and Serena (sans dead drifter) in the same bed. She sends it to Gossip Girl. Everyone finds out. Everyone FREAKS OUT. Rufus gets the GG Blast and just plays it cool because he is a happening fellow!

Rufus has decided to send Jenny to her mother’s for the summer and for her senior year of high school. That is the sort of punishment you get for making sense. I am not the biggest Jenny fan, but I would endorse the Jenny of the last few episodes for political office in the upcoming elections. Calling Rufus/ Lily out? Bold. Calling Serena out? Decisive. Jenny Humphrey: Hope and Mascara.

In happy news, Deroda and Vanya have a baby named Anastasia. Good for them! Unfortunately, the craziness of Deroda’s labor and delivery leads Blair to miss her rendezvous with Chuck at the top of the Empire State Building. Uh oh. Chuck Bass was very clear. He was not going to wait past 7PM. Of course, Chuck will make an exception for such extraordinary circumstances. There’s no way he’d do something like Jenny in between 7PM and when Blair gets to him, right?

I am getting ahead of the show. There are lots of feelings between Serena and Dan and Nate (and maybe Vanessa. Maybe not. She is busy with News). Serena is upset with Nate for no reason. Nate is upset with Serena for some reason. Nate and Dan are upset with each other due to being dudes. Serena and Dan are also upset with Jenny. I get that Dan is upset with Jenny since he found evidence linking Jenny to the release of the GG blast. However, I don’t get Serena’s anger since Serena just ASSUMED Jenny was responsible. You know what happens when you assume, Serena. You make a yourself out of you.

They are all at odds. Dan kind of has the fuzzies for Serena again. He is more fleeting that Fall. Dan and Serena also ruin the concept of babies for everyone by using the babies in the hospital as thinly veiled references to themselves.

Also, Georgina is around. She is running from the Russians. She is also running from Avril Lavigne since she stole Avril’s head.

Georgina lurks for most of the episode. Eventually, she does some stuff. Mostly lurking though.

Nate gets out of the season unscathed. He drops Serena and picks up Chuck’s little black book. Looks like some one is going to have a gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood summer. The o’s are for fun!

Before Deroda went into labor, Blair and Jenny had a heart to heart. Actually, it was Blair just telling Jenny that no one loved her. This, coupled with her father’s decision to send Jenny to her mother’s (Rufus Humphrey always faces things head on by sending them upstate) puts Jenny on a path that leads to Nate’s apartment. Only Nate is not there. . .

Chuck, overcome with grief that Blair didn’t meet him exactly at 7PM, retreats to his apartment (which is also Nate’s, sure). Eventually, Jenny comes to play “video games” with Nate. Classic video game sexy subterfuge. Chuck doesn’t offer Jenny video game fun. Instead, he offers her liquor. She obliges. I guess Jenny and Chuck will drown their sorrows in a bottle!

They also drown their sorrow in each other’s loins. Ew. Ew forever. And ever and ewver.

Blair eventually gets to Chuck’s apartment. They have a heartfelt reunion. Chuck tries to hide the smell JennySex from Blair. Chuck also makes sure to keep Blair out of the bedroom that hides Jenny. No worries, Chuck. Jenny jumped out the window or something.

Jenny runs into Eric. The scene is reminiscent of the scene in the classic film Whip It! when Ellen Page’s Bliss returns home upset after finding that her boyfriend (to whom she gave the most special gift of all) gave her favorite t-shirt to a groupie. Eric’s face reminded me a lot of Marcia Gay Harden’s portrayal of Bliss’s mother during this pivotal moment. The main differences are that in Whip It!, Bliss does not lie and say she lost her virginity to Air Bud, and in Gossip Girl, there are no Jens Lekman songs or deep pool sexing.

(Sidebar: Gossip Girl had a distinct musical theme this week of cover songs. I don’t know if there was any underlining meaning to which cover songs were chosen, but all the songs were cover songs. They played a cover of Bob Dylan and a cover of Band of Horses! Good choices!)

As soon as Eric hears about this difficult moment for Jenny, he fucking tells EVERYONE.

-“Hey Dan, did you hear Chuck Bass plowed your sister?”

-“Hey Rufus, jst txtin 2 tell u that J lost her V to CB.”

-“Hey half-brother Scott STOP You won’t believe what happened to our sister STOP” (that last one is a telegram!).

This comes to a head in the lobby of the hotel/ apartment building/ condominium where everyone lives. Chuck is about to propose to Blair when BOOM! Humphrey Punch! It’s super effective!

Here is a .gif approximation of the punch.

Everyone is understandably upset with Chuck. Lots of yelling. Lots of accusations. Blair yells at Jenny for the incident, but Dan quickly claims “No no, all Chuck’s fault.”  I guess when we are adults and have our own hotels, we need to be ready for the consequences of our actions with Jenny Humphrey.

Just then, Rufus comes in and asks if anyone wants some food. Classic Rufus, always oblivious!

You would think that would be the end of the episode. Your thinking is WRONG. Epilogue of sorts!

-As stated above, Nate starts going through Chuck’s black book. He is going to get over Serena using orgies.

-Serena and Blair go to Paris.

-Dan has a browser window open with an e-mail to apologize to Vanessa for his being an adulterer. Then, Dan decides he is going to chase Serena in Paris (since he’s all about her neckline now, if you know what I mean and I mean he wants it). Since Dan is super good at the internet, he searches for plane tickets to Paris using the Google search term “www.airfrance.com.” Just then, Georgina shows up. Warning: This was my favorite moment of the evening. Georgina begins taking off a large coat in a manner that suggested she was going to seduce Dan. WRONG. Georgina is pregnant! Pregnant with a nEW Humphrey! Enjoy parenthood, Dan! I have already placed a call to social services about Dan’s child. They were confused, as I was calling about a fictional character’s baby.

-Chuck wanders a round some nondescript foreign city (Paris? Prague? Opium Harbour?) Obviously drunk, Chuck is the perfect target for muggists. Some criminals assault him. Nonchalantly, Chuck tells his attackers that they can all go to an ATM and Chuck will treat them well. The attackers, not speaking English (take that ethnocentrism!), decide to take the diamond engagement ring that Chuck is holding on him (in case he runs into Blair). Chuck freaks out and tries to get the box back.

Then, he is shot by his attackers.

What will happen to Chuck!?

NEXT EPISODE: Not until next season! What will happen? Serena is apparently committed to doing something? Sure. Chuck will have to nurse his wounds! Vanessa will be running CNN. Bye forever, Jenny Humphrey. I hope Aaron Rose doesn’t come back.

Thanks for the memories, Gossip Girl! You were always very nice! K.I.T!

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