Gossip Girl: Deus Ex Bassina

I don’t expect Gossip Girl to revolutionize storytelling in the televised medium every time I sit down to watch an episode. I certainly do expect Gossip Girl to not treat me like an asshole. I think that’s a reasonable request to make from a TV show that focuses on glamor, escapism, youth, and whimsy. Maybe the logical jumps of last night’s episode were over my head or maybe I just don’t understand the complexity of Serena Van Der Woodsen’s search for patriarchal approval. I suspect that is not the case, though. I suspect that this show thinks I am a total asshole and has resolved to treat me as such.

When I say that the show is treating me like an asshole, I mostly mean this whole Lily/Rufus/Detective Hunter Rush storyline. Let’s pretend for a second! Suppose, I am a teenager in suburban Virginia who is infatuated with the glitz and cocaine that Gossip Girl presents. Now, bear with me, I flip on the CW and find that my favorite show is mostly about the marital problems of two unfit parents, especially lately because one of them has the cancer. “XOXO, Gossip Girl. I could be spending this time watching STARS DANCE,” I would say to my television as I clicked over to a different channel.

I understand that an appeal of such a show is the connection and relation that develops between viewer and character. Case in point, Eric talking to Dr. Will Iam Van Der Wood Sen about his growing up was a pretty good “real” moment. Rufus and Lily yelling at each other is not.

So, basically, Dr. Serena’s Dad gets an award or something from Columbia (“Fuck this show.” – Columbia University in the City of New York). Rufus is still justifiably upset that Lily’s ex-husband is both her doctor and going to live in the apartment downstairs. Hold the phone, Rufus is making sense.

Then, Rufus says “Whatever, let’s go with this. What’s the AMA?” In the next scene, Dr. Billy Baldwin makes a pass at Lily over the microphone, so Rufus says “Oh, hell to the no.” but it doesn’t matter because he was fucking a neighbor. But really, they are old! Who cares? Let’s go back to Brooklyn! Oh wait, let’s not, Dan lives there and he is still milking the same story that he has been for the past twelve weeks!

Dan and Vanessa find themselves in professional conflict since they are . . . college freshmen and one of them wants to be a . . . fiction writer and the other wants to be a . . . documentary film maker? The ellipses note that I don’t get this at all. I mean, they both wanted to be playwrights and now Vanessa gets an internship with CNN in Haiti so she will be gone for the summer and that is tough on Dan because he can’t go three months without totally NEEDING it so he will probably call up Lizzie McGuire (if not her, then Miranda) and their relationship will be over. Maybe Dan should get a summer internship on a cruise ship.

In Chuck Bass news, he keeps up his post-Blair promiscuity, wills Blair a transfer into Columbia University, and somehow deduces that Dr. Will is not treating Lily well, medically. Busy week for this guy! We also are led to believe that he and Lily have a deep connection or something and that they are important to each other, but I believe it to be foreshadowing for their affair in season five.

Blair has a GREAT week, though. At first, I thought she was going to get told by some uppity Columbia girls, but Blizzle just came back and TOLD THEM. She got into Columbia, got a sweet NYU apartment, and may have threatened to murder those uppity Columbia girls. Don’t murder them, Blair! That is such a Serena thing to do.

Speaking of Serena, what the fuck? I have been following this season and its various story arcs. Here is how I understand it.

1). Serena eschews going to Brown in order to find herself.

2). Goes to Europe and does lots of things (drugs, people) that make her fodder for gossip publications.

3). Fucks Carter Baizen next to a horse track in order to find her father.

4). Goes into politics. Goes out of politics.

5). Admits that all her exploits were just her trying to find her father.

6). Tries to make sure her father does not think poorly of her by lying about her accomplishments.

Too late, Serena, I think he saw the cover of People where you and Cristiano Ronaldo were extreme acid bungee jumping in fur bathing suits. If not, he probably saw it on one of Eric’s new boyfriend’s copies of People that he gets in three languages.

I know it’s Serena’s journey, but she doesn’t have to be so mean to people about it. Her and Jenny have a bunch of fights. Whoa, cool Serena, fighting with a high schooler “Gossip Girl here, guess how many people I send blasts about are shells of their former selves. ANSWER: ALL OF THEM.”

Also, Serena’s dad didn’t want to be part of the family but suddenly wants back in the family so much that he will drug Lily? Whatever.

Speaking of whatever, WHATEVER IS THIS DRESS

Did you guys know that Nate is on the Columbia Lacrosse Team? Yeah, he’s just a normal college student who has conversations like this.

(scene: Columbia Men’s Lacrosse Locker Room before the big game).

NATE: (to the room in general) Hey guys, I love college and lacrosse. I am getting such an experience of college even though I live in a palatial apartment with my girlfriend that is actually forty blocks from here, but you are all my bros. Maybe we can have an upscale team bonding sushi dinner where we do saki bombs and hope Jenny Humphrey doesn’t try to bad touch us. I play soccer.

Speaking of Jenny, she shops at the same places as Serena.

Admittedly, I do not know whether these dresses are “good” or not, but the characters just put me in such a tiff!

Jenny gets put on blast by Gossip Girl for when she sold pills with Air Bud: Golden DrugDealer a few episodes back., All that stuff was apparently some foreshadowing that I missed. You win, Gossip Girl.

Anywhoo, one of Jenny’s former customers finds her and says the drugs weren’t cool drugs. They were actually yeasty drugs. Jenny, doing what any confused teenager would do, decides to BING cancer and now thinks something is up with Lily. She and Chuck are going to be the best detectives ever.

NEXT WEEK: Serena wears lots of hats because of mystery and it being 40 degrees in New York during May.

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