Sorry that this is late but I had some pies to make and I had some LIFE to live. It was nice to take the opportunity to just go out and ENJOY the best band in the world (if you have the chance to enjoy something like that, I implore you to take it). However, I unfortunately had to miss Gossip Girl. Now, being caught up, I can say Gossip Girl almost returned to its form of delightful debauchery and ridiculous wealth. As some great songstresses have sung, almost doesn’t count.

Even though it wasn’t the Tour de Bass we all expected, there were some fun things! Also, bad things. HERE’S WHAT WE XOXO(gossip girl) NOW!

1. Lily is the Gossip Girl

The first shot of the show, the one where it shows the Gossip Girl website, had a picture of Serena as she found out Lily was where her dad was supposed to be. Obviously, only Lily could have taken this picture. Obviously, Lily is the Gossip Girl. Mystery solved. Case closed.  Don’t need Ghostwriter to help crack this case.

It does not surprise me that Lily, by some accounts an adult woman, would be the anonymous writer of a Manhattan teenage gossip website that deals in the currency of her daughter having sex over dead men. That’s so Lily!

2. Privileged Girls from Brooklyn Love Sleeping Uncomfortably

Jenny Humphrey, case in point, loves sleeping in Nate’s button down shirt. Maybe it is because Nate loves ironing.

Now, I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on these things, but Nate, when a young lady spends an evening in your palatial apartment having a Wii Tennis Two-Person tournament and asks to sleep in your shirt, I think she “wants it.”

3. Serena and Lily are Awful Examples of People for a New Reason this week.

Ummmm, hello? SEATBELTS, PEOPLE!  Ideally, Serena and Lily would become martyrs for the seatbelt cause in this episode. However, this was about five minutes in and we had a lot of issues and exciting new diseases to deal with.

Also, why are they sitting so close? “This is how old money sits, dear.”

4. Chuck Bass is back!

5. In the Hippocratic oath it states “Yeah, you can totally treat  your ex-wife if she is an unfit mother, sort of crazy, and had a complicated  split with you. You can also give her fake cancer. That’s totally cool, Dr. William Baldwin.”

To be fair, this is Lily Van Der Woodsen. She is the one person who can be fooled into thinking her disease is so unique that the only doctor who can treat it is her ex-husband with whom she has a troubled past. Serena who majored in Medicals in Ibiza totally agrees with the decision. I think Dr. Bal Der Winson is a witch doctor.

6. Lily Might Have Cancer and That’s Why She Hasn’t Been Around?

LEFT FIELD, Gossip Girl. I think cancer was under copyright so they couldn’t actually say the word “cancer” during the episode. Lily does make mention that there will be no talk of the “c-word” in her house.  However, in every other house, there is always talk of the c-word when it comes to Lily Van Der Humphreyson.

7. Dan Gets Rejected from Something and Vanessa Gets Accepted.

Their relationship is based on trust, lies, deceit, withholding, miscommunication, and food sex.

I have issue with GG constantly remarking that Dan is “transferring” to Tisch. Since Tisch is under the NYU banner, I think it might be better to say he is “transposing.” As it turns out, he was rejected so he will be doing neither. Instead, he will be majoring in John Tucker.

8. Blair Totally Reclaims the Term “Fatwa” For Her Dating Life. . .


9. A Girl from Tisch Totally wants Dan Humphrey to Get into the Program that Meets in Her Bed If You Know What I Mean and I Mean an Agreement for Consensual Casual Sex

She goes so far as to try to kick Vanessa out of the program by her important father. She also tells Dan that she has to tune her instrument. Then, at the Buswick Art Party (sure), she has NO INSTRUMENT. I think the instrument was a metaphor.

10. If I Were a Younger Person Watching This Show, I Would Get the Impression That the Most Important Part of a Relationship is Dishonesty.

Let’s recap, shall we?

  • Lily does not tell her husband, Rufus, about her disease and the old wives’ cures she is getting from her ex-husband. She does lie and tell him that her mother is sick.
  • Dan and Vanessa are just a bundle of lies about stupid Tisch dramatic writing things and WHO CARES BRING BACK LIZZY MCGUIRE.
  • Serena takes after her mother and stepfather and does not tell Nate anything about her search for her father. She does go off with Carter Baizen for no apparent reason and overreact to Nate being upset with that.
  • Nate is an angel.

Good life lessons, Gossip Girl!

11. Chuck is Paying Blair’s RA to Spy on Her.

As a former RA of a person of interest (who may or may not be playing in two different professional sports leagues next year and who may or may not have become the wonderful person they are today because of my tutelage) that is a no-no, or a dealbreaker, ladies (as the kids say).

12. Let’s Take a Seventeen-Year-Old to a Bushwick Art Party (sure) and Have Her Get Us SHOTS.

Great idea, Chuck and Nate.

However, Chuck did have some great lines leading up to it such as “Dress like you don’t have a mother.” and “You two are thick as Wiis.” Chuck loves just being a free, debonair trickster now.

13. Blair Doesn’t Kiss Anyone to Get Over Chuck.

She will kiss people on her own terms. Waldorfs doing it for themselves.

14. Nate Destroys All the Hope of a Jenny/Nate Relationship.

Just like that? C’mon, this show. You have been dangling Jenny Humphrey as an inappropriate carrot from a terrible stick for so long that NOT having involved in an illicit affair with a college freshman comes as a shock.

15. Blair Asks Derota If They Can Feed Ducks Tomorrow.

Maybe Blair should concentrate on going to her sociology lecture tomorrow, instead.

16. Cool Music This Week, Gossip Girl!

White Rabbits! Discovery! Grizzled Bear! So many fun artists!

BONUS: Teresa’s Thoughts of the Week

– “HAHA, Aaron Rose referenced in GG.”

NEXT WEEK: We return to regular form. William Baldwin drugs Lily, much like his show from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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