Gossip Girl: Winning the War on Opium Dens

Above is an ad for the television show Gossip Girl. It is a television show for which I have developed a certain affinity, as you may know from this blog. Recently, Gossip Girl and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. Sometimes, in these situations, people change. Your young, opium-fueled lover may mellow with age. Maybe your own expectations for excitement and intrigue are unrealistic given your joint station in life. The Gossip Girl I feel in love with was exciting and glamorous. There was also a sense of danger. The valleys of Manhattan echoed with the sounds of drug-soaked bacchanalia!

But that was long ago. Now, the concerns of Gossip Girl are much like the concerns of other TV shows. Nurturing mature relationships, strengthening familial bonds, and demeaning breakfast foods have become the rule, not the exception. However, let us not focus on such things. Let us focus on the happy! Dorota and Vanya got married! Dan Humphrey got served!

In a happy moment, two of the best characters got married! I took lots of photos with my camera device.

So that was great! However, it was not without controversy. As Dorota and Vanya were expecting a baby, they needed to marry before Dorota’s parents arrived from the old country. The wedding plans were rushed, but Eleanor Waldorf and Chuck took care of everything. There were lots of old country traditions that the couple had to follow, like Eastern European traditions involving balloons and the Order of the Marriage Rite for Polish People Marrying Russian People. Also, Dorota had a husband before Vanya. Probably Uncle Jack or Scott the way this show goes. Or Lizzy McGuire.

Speaking of Eleanor, her husband Cyrus showed up!

Cyrus broke some hearts by purchasing an apartment for the newlyweds. Mostly, Eleanor’s heart is broken because her beloved maid won’t be around. Dorota assures her that they are still family though and then I went awwww. Also, Aaron Rose didn’t show up, thank everyone. It is always a good episode when Aaron Rose stays away.

Chuck helps with the wedding as a way to make up his trespasses against Blair. It sort of sounds like the third act of a romantic comedy until you remember that Chuck tried to Indecent Proposal Blair on Uncle Jack. No amount of sorries in the world for that.

To make matters more complicated, a Polish tradition involving a happy couple accompanying the bride and groom during the ceremony makes Dorota worry about the wedding. Chuck volunteers himself and Blair to be the happy couple. Classic mix-up coming up! Until Blair starts crying all the time. The levity or the situation was brought down by the backstory and the fact that, like my parents, Chuck and Blair sleep in separate beds. Short story short, Chuck and Blair are both done-zo and finito.

Nate and Serena try and hatch a plan to save Blair and Chuck since they are two great planners doing what they do best.  It doesn’t work. Then, Carter Baizen shows up with information about Serena’s dad since Serena contracted him to be a detective. Carter Baizen, private eye!

Carter does a good job at detecting but a bad job at being tactful. Everyone gets pissed that he is around. Especially Nate, due to his sexing Serena. This was how the meeting between Nate and Carter went:

NATE: Keep your hands off my girl, Baizen! Only I sex Serena now!

CARTER: Oh really, Nate? Then why does she have me brining her keys and doing detective work?

NATE: What!? Don’t play me, Baizen. I have strong legs from soccer.

So, it was definitely tense between them. It was more tense when Serena leaves with Carter to catch a plane to find her dad.  The tension was eased when she kicked Carter Baizen to the curb. There was a bump on the tensionometer when Nate couldn’t find Serena and found out with whom she was driving. It became the most tense when Serena opened the door to her father’s room and found LILY, HER MOM! I mean “tense” in the sense that yawn.

Jenny, like a hunter, waits for Serena to slip so she can pounce on Nate and his sweet, soccer-toned legs.  Serena does slip (slipping is something that Jenny doesn’t do, tipping for life?) so Jenny tries to get all up ons Nate. Does she succeed? We will find out in two weeks.

In other notes, Rufus spends most of the episode on the phone and confused. Eric invites a boy he likes to Dorota’s wedding. The crush boy brings a girlfriend, which is bad news for Eric. However, it turns out the crush boy was just talking about Eric to his girlfriend as he is bisexual. So, good for Eric.

In my favorite moment of the episode, Dan Humphrey is standing by an ice bucket. Eleanor Waldorf walks up.

EW: Daniel, where’s your partner.

DH: (awkwardly) Uh, she’s in Vermont. I was thinking about sitting this one out.

EW: Well, if you’re not going to dance, at least make yourself useful. These Russians drink more than Larry Hagman on his first liver (a reference for the tweens). The bartender needs more ice.

DH: (awkward and disbelieving) Um, you do know that I’m not working this party, right?

EW: Mhmm.

DH: (awkwardly defeated) Alright, I’ll do it.

Yes. Take THAT, Humphrey!

NEXT WEEK: Nothing, as it is 4/19 and everyone will be preparing for  4 2 0 !!!! !WHOOOO 311 Sublime!

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