I was really looking forward to Gossip Girl this week. I don’t know if it was something in the air (all the excitement of a new baseball season, the hopes of Butler [never forget] lifting America like the winds under a soaring eagle, and Taking Back Sunday reuniting) or if last week’s preview that made the show seem as debauched and salacious as it was in the halcyon days of its youth when men were boys and Chuck Bass was a criminal, but this week’s episode seemed full of promise. Ruthless youth could rule days filled with decadence and nights rife with mischief. The magic could return.
Then, they just played hide & seek.
Usually there is a big, fancy gala or some after-hours opium-fueled sex romp, but this week was a game of hide and seek.
But there was such promise at the beginning! The episode opened to a montage of deadly weapons. These deadly weapons belonged to Serena Van Der Woodsen, because Serena Van Der Woodsen is a murderer. A psychotic killer or a psycho killer, if you will. However, the weapons are not real. That handgun? A lighter. That knife? A letter opener. That finger print powder? Cocaine. That arsenic? Also cocaine. Most of the items had some amount of cocaine on them.
Serena is gathering these things for Nate’s birthday party. There’s going to be a party where Nate’s favorite game is played (that game is “Assassin). Sorry, Serena, but I think you misheard Nate saying something else as “assassin.”
What are the rules of Assassin you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask. Well, for posterity, the rules for Assassin are the same as hide & seek but you are a hider and a seeker at the same time. If you take a Polaroid off someone’s neck, they are out. Also, you can’t go outside the block. Also, you are 12.
In other news, Eric is back from Japan. He promptly informs us that Japanese Facebook allows users to post pictures from bath houses. It’s accounts like these and vending machines like these that give Japan a bad name!
In the worst news ever, Dan Humphrey wants to be a playwright so he is applying to the Tisch writing program. He stays up all night working on his one-act play about a homeless man who wins the lottery. No rest for the awful! Vanessa finds him and forces him to let her read his stupid play. Even though they are having sex now (you could have just said “dating”), they can still read each other’s work. So, Dan reads Vanessa’s short film and Vanessa reads Dan’s. Dan doesn’t like Vanessa’s film. How does he let her down while maintaining his ability to get ons that? Rufus has advice. Rufus also has uncomfortable product placement.
This is the opposite of what Microsoft wants.
Rufus says a half-truth is a whole lie. Dan sort of gets it. Then, he finds out that Vanessa did exactly what they agreed to do and gave him notes on his script. Dan flips out. Now, I hate Dan Humphrey and regularly discuss how awful he is, but even I found myself lacking for words to describe how much I hated his actions this episode. I’m sorry, Dan, but you are upset with your girlfriend for being reasonably critical of your first draft? In a genre with which you are unfamiliar? Oh, I forgot this was you.
He and Vanessa make up. We then find out Vanessa is applying for the same program. Dan will be upset when he finds out because Vanessa has had a demonstrated interest in the subject, while Dan has only recently decided to pursue his lark. David Mamet has some words for him.
On a lighter note, Vanya and Derota get engaged!
Continuing the Blair/Chuck vs. Uncle Jack plot, UJ sells all of Chuck’s possessions. If real business people work the same way Uncle Jack and Chuck do, we deserve to be in an economic crisis. Jack must be burning through his Get Out of Jail Free cards because I think he commits a punishable offense any time he smiles. Blair and Chuck must have used all their Good Idea cards because they can think of no way to defeat Uncle Jack.
Actually, Blair has an idea. Not really an idea as much as a suggestion from Uncle Jack. The terms are simple: a night with Blair for Chuck’s hotel. Uncle Jack plays coy so I think Blair should have just gone over to his penthouse, played Scrabble, watched movies, and enjoyed popped corn. “Sorry Jack, you should have been more specific.” Specificity is the Bass family kryptonite.
Seemingly, Chuck does not want Blair to go to Jack’s. Blair decides to go of her own accord. After kissing Blair, Jack reveals that Chuck actually decided to sign off on the whole Blair shtupping Uncle Jack affair. Blair confronts Chuck about it and they are both pissed for reasons (Humphrey logic over here). So, they break up. 😥
Back to Nate’s Totally Awesome Birthday at Chuck E Cheeze’s, Nate is late to his own party and no one can find him! That is the risk with surprise parties. Even though Serena had a totally awesome way to divert his attention (Going to a benefit for an amphibian [she calls it a lizard. . . dummy] at 3PM, too smart to fail!) he doesn’t show. Maybe, it is because Jenny is trying to use her feminine wiles on him. When I say feminine wiles, I mean Jenny using Nate’s concern over her fragile state after being roofied to draw his attention. They see a movie. Serena is piiiiiiiiiiiiiised.
Eventually, Party Time! Next, GAME TIME.
Playing Assassin looks really cool and intriguing in previews for the episode when characters are in dimly lit apartments and dark/ dank basements. In reality, Assassin is a bunch of teenagers running around the Upper East Side. At one point, Eric meets a guy. Good for Eric.
Nate and Jenny find themselves in a basement. I thought that someone was going to catch them and say
but instead, Jenny tricks her way into winning the game. She also gives Nate a quick peck on the lips which leaves him STUNNED for the rest of the episode until Serena invites him upstairs for his real birthday present (an Apple ewPad).
NEXT WEEK: I think we heard Carter Baizen’s voice in the preview? The preview made everything look like deceit and sin. So, they probably go to a regatta.