Gossip Girl: The Upper East Side Is Like Lucy; It Is Lawless.

Gossip Girl does this thing sometimes where it will put its characters through basically the same story for three episodes in a row. For an extreme example, Rufus and Lily have been having relationship problems forever. Love is never having to say “Hey, let’s sort out these difficult marriage problems.” This week, GG continued its exploration into Chuck’s relationship with his mother, Dan’s relationship with Vanessa, Jenny being semi-rebellious, and Blair being sad. Maybe some of these things will be resolved. Maybe Rufus and Lily won’t show up!

In fact, Lily doesn’t show up! Rufus does though. Let’s focus on the fun stuff, though!

In a world where most people are concerned with Jimmy Stewart Role-Playing and good wine (I am staring at you, Dan Humphrey), Chuck Bass has some big problems this week. His mom is not his real mom! But she is his real mom! And she also is in love with his evil uncle! But I thought she left right after Chuck was born? This show has so much backstory that we will never get to see because it would be inconvenient! Anyway, Chuck’s mom sold Chuck down the river because she loves Uncle Jack (“Your goatee is so becoming, Jack!”) so Chuck has neither a hotel nor a mother. Chuck FREAKS OUT sort of

You’d think he would have some legal recourse for this whole thing, but get this . . .

THE LAWYER WAS IN ON THE SCAM. That is some next level Danny Ocean shit. It’s like that old joke always says, “What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?” The punchline is “You call them mer-lawyers, duh.”

Now, Chuck is out for blood. He will make Uncle Jack pay. Blair will help him. Hell hath no fury like 19-year olds scorned.

Blair has some problems this week, as well. Her mom assumes that Blair has friends, so she tells Blair to bring her friends to her pop-up junior fashion show. In a total non-cry for help, Blair hires hookers to pose as her friends. Nate knows where these gals and girls are coming from.  Eventually, these hookers almost undo Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show as J.C. Conwell recognizes a hooker he frequents. The twist is that this prostitute has a y chromosome and that J.C. Conwell is from Utah! So, Blair exploits that and gets Conwell to reconsider his stance . Her mom doesn’t want to sell out to Conwell eventually anyway because of fashion standards or something.

Take that, Utah!

During one scene in Eleanor’s highly illegal apartment fashion factory (the Upper East Side must have its own lazy police force), she mentions to Blair that high fashion has fallen on hard times. There are not many things in the world I could care less about than the solvency of high fashion.

Speaking of which, how are Dan and Vanessa this week?

Vanessa and Dan have a good relationship. Almost, TOO good of a relationship. They are so upset about how stable and fulfilling their relationship is! Luckily, Vanessa puts on pants. She is also concerned about the spice in her new relationship. Serena plants some ideas in her mind about spicing things up. Nate suggest role-playing (Dungeon Master Nate? [That is a Dungeons & Dragons reference, not a BDSM reference]). Nate and Serena are going to start a new version of Loveline except instead of Dr. Drew, Serena will be Dr. Ew.

Vanessa makes an effort to make her first date with Dan really special and not just like something they would do as friends. First of all, first date? So, all that fucking was before having dates? Kids these days! Ok, so in this new system, first base = doing the sex, second base= cooking dinner from Rear Window, third base= Rufus Humphrey cock blocking everyone, home run = Dan totally not making an effort. Got it.

Let us not get too full of ourselves, though. This is Jenny Humphrey’s world and we all just live in it!

Jenny is grounded, but that won’t stop her from doing things according to her dad! Her dad also says “Fuck waffles.” No, Rufus. Fuck you.

So, Jenny is working for Eleanor Waldorf again. It’s like season two except she doesn’t look like a raccoon anymore. Speaking of season two, Caitlin Cooper Agnes shows up

and she is a psycho! She is out to get Jenny because she burned all of Jenny’s dresses. Models are not sound logic practitioners on this show.

Eventually, Agnes manages to drug Jenny. Before this though, she reclaims the word “bitch.” Good for you, Agnes!

She gives Jenny three pills and Jenny is semi-conscious for the rest of the night. In an effort to really get Jenny’s goat, Agnes schemes to get her raped. This show really needs to stop with the “Will Jenny get drugged and raped?” theme.

Agnes, two model friends, and half-aware Jenny go to a club. Agnes drops Jenny at a bachelor party. The mark of a classic bachelor party is some teenagers dropping off an obvious impaired teenager that “wants to party.” Most of the bros are not buying it (except for one bro who really wants to buy it in the most awful way possible).  One bro says that they will get Jenny a cab after SHOTS. Call this guy the Level because he has his priorities STRAIGHT.

Creepy guy almost gets to Jenny, but then Nate shows up! He is so chivalrous. He finds her using a cool Google stalky App. He holds Jenny’s purse and tells her that things will get better. He is right as Jenny get s a job offer from Eleanor Waldorf (school, who needs it?)! Nate goes off to discuss politics with Serena, leaving Jenny to do research on Nate. Research? More like CRUSH-SEARCH. Or stalking. You say tomato, I say young love.

NEXT WEEK: Hopefully, Lily stays away. Also, Nate + Jenny = questionable.

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