Gossip Girl: All the Plots Converge in Nightmares

I remember when there were concerned parents who thought Gossip Girl was going too far. Too much sex. Too many drugs. Too much Dan Humphrey (actually…).  At any rate, Gossip Girl was shocking to the elders of society. Sorry, elders. Gossip Girl isn’t FOR you.

Now, I fear Gossip Girl is no longer for me. As I have aged, Gossip Girl has figured new ways to shock me and my delicate sensibilities. During each episode, I keep a notepad close in order to detail my thoughts on the episode. Here’s an excerpt from my notes for last night’s episode

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ewewewewewwewewewewewewewewewewewewewew ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Let’s talk about this. Maybe that will make everything better. At least there’s a party this week.

First, we have Rufus and Lily. As it always goes, they are fighting. After Rufus says some traumatizing things to his daughter (Reverse Elektra Complex much, Ruf?), he and Lily get back together for no apparent reason. So everything is cool. NOPE. Everything is not cool. Lily lies to Rufus again about something sort of involving her mother (she definitely has breast cancer). Again, this will come back to haunt them, but the way Lily and Rufus live their life keeps things spicy and terrible.

At some point, Chuck’s uncle came back. Things between him and Rufus/ Lily were tense. I was confused for a moment. I had forgotten that Jack almost sexually assaulted Lily in the bathroom of an opera house. Uncle Jack apologizes to Lily. His apology is “Sorry. It was the meth. Have you guys seen my new goatee and haircut?” They accept.

While most of the cast is part of a series of closely related plots, Dan Humphrey goes against the grain and by go against the grain, I mean he has sex with Vanessa all the time. Occasionally, he pops back in to tell his young sister not to have sex with the kid from Air Bud. Mostly, he has sex with Vanessa. At one point, world’s greatest dud Rufus Humphrey remarks that Vanessa is like a daughter to him. This freaks Dan’s shit out. So, in public, they can’t act like a couple. Dan has issues.

Remember this?

Well, this week, Vanessa goes beyond and does not wear underpants. This drives Dan up the walls because he is so hot for her not underpants. They put their differences behind them and each other in front of them, if you get my drift.

Chuck (and Blair, because Blair just hangs out with Chuck these days) deals with the return of his mother. Also, some professional troubles befall him in the form of conservative Christians ripping his hotel on TripAdvisor, and some people are suing him for sexual harassment when he was a child? I was confused by this. Isn’t there a statute of limitations on Chuck Bass Child Sexual Harassment (that does not sound good phrased in any form)? So he’s all

And he does some crazy things, like orders his friend in the NYPD to run a DNA test on his mother. His mom is upset about this. I am upset about this, too. Chuck’s mother seemed to be the most competent and loving parent we have seen in this show and she left her child immediately after he was born.

Eventually, Chuck solves all his problems. He gives up the hotel, temporarily, to his mom (NOT UNCLE JACK) and she is happy with him.

UNTIL WE FIND OUT THAT CHUCK’S MOM IS IN LEAGUE WITH UNCLE JACK. FRAILTY, THY NAME IS CHUCK’S MOM!

Boom, Gossip Girl, you still have it.

Nate and Serena have some problems that stem from Serena not being able to get her usual neckline. Instead, she has a dress with a CREW NECK. However, the front part of the dress is flesh-colored and still looks like that classic Van Der Woodsen neckline.

There. That is not a necklace. That is her neckline! Score one for modesty.

Anyway, Serena and Nate are doing it (a theme). Nate’s like “Yeah, I’m doing you.” And Serena is like “Yeah, I enjoy this.” And Nate is like “Call me Grandfather.” And Serena says “What?” And then they are done because of biology.

Nate and Serena disagree about what is going on with Jenny. Serena thinks that sixteen year olds should do what they want. Nate think he should c block Jenny. They argue some more. Nate sort of calls Serena a slut and recites a list of her conquests. Serena replies “They lied. . . or exaggerated.” Nate admits he is just feeling down in the dumps because he lost his virginity to Serena and fell so deeply in love with her that he bottled it up so nobody (especially the producers of this show) noticed. They make up. Presumably with sex.

The real center of the episode is Jenny’s impending loss of her virginity to Prince Air Bud of Drugdealerbourg. He’s upset that every time they get to a certain point in making out, Jenny stops him to go to Latin class. Jenny just loves the classics, asshole.

Eventually, Jenny decides to give it up, this style. That is, tenderly.

What happens next is a serious of hypocrisies and double standards about Jenny’s choice to have sex (even Gossip Girl gets in on it with some deliciously awful wordplay). Rufus doesn’t want it happening because he is her father and a representation of the corrupt and oppressive patriarchal system that still exists today. Nate doesn’t want it to happen because he’s a big softy. He is also against Damien being a drug dealer, but hey Nate, you used to be a prostitute. Dan doesn’t give a fuck. Tenured professor of Bad Boy 101 Serena Van Der Woodsen, Ph EW thinks Jenny should do what she wants.

Damien comes to get Jenny from the Bart Bass Memorial Bash, right before the main event of Bart Bass being resurrected. While leaving, Damien punches Nate because why not? Nate is knocked unconscious for two hours. Everyone rushes to a hotel to stop Jenny from having sex. HOWEVER, Jenny and Air Bud are not at the hotel. They are at Lily’s or Eleanor Waldorf’s ready to DO IT. Jenny, nervous for many reasons, tries to tell Damien the gravity of this moment. Damien responds “Less talk. More cock.” Jenny leaves. Sex averted.

Perhaps it was the way Gossip Girl handled these various sex threads that rubbed me the wrong way. Nate, Serena, Dan, and Vanessa can do whatever kinky stuff they want while Jenny cannot have sex with her boyfriend? Gossip Girl, always mixing those signals! There were also some creepy slow motion shots that really brought out the laughs. I don’t think they were intended that way.

NEXT WEEK: Kaitlin Cooper comes back and gets EVERYBODY high! Also, creepy photographer guy is back 😦

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