I have been watching Gossip Girl long enough to realize that when an episode does not have a pivotal gala/ socialite ball/ opium den, it means that it is a very special episode of Gossip Girl where we learn about what really makes these characters tick (tock on the clock, this gala does stop). The absence of gala brought the presence of Chuck’s mother, odd dressing decisions, and sage not-parenting advice from Rufus and Lily.
Gossip Girl opens with a BANG, not a whimper. And when I mean bang, I mean that Nate and Serena have such a deep relationship that they spend all their time, just. . . DOING each other. They love to BANG. Just BANG the drum slowly.
At the beginning of the episode, there is a scene shot through a melting ice sculpture where Nate and Serena make love in front of an open refrigerator. Their love is why the ice caps are melting. Basically, this is their life. Thanks for ruining food forever, guys! Nate’s performance may get him his own show on the Food Network with Paula Deen though. “Home Cooking from Grandfather’s Journal.” Blair responds to their torrid passion with this. I’ll have what she is faking! Due to all this ravenous passion, Serena has not had time to properly compose herself so she wears no pants, one of Nate’s shirts, and knee high pink socks. Remember kids, it is important to make sure your feet are properly insulated after sexual activity. Serena Van Der Woodsen, model citizen.
Despite her CRIES for attention (I am sorry about all these capitals), Blair is upset because Chuck has been distant. I too am confused, because I thought he would take this rejection from his birth mother so much better! Instead, he does this
Basically, Chuck is training to become Batman.
Chuck spends the rest of the episode misunderstanding his mother’s intentions, attempting to pay her off, and then discussing his being raised in opium dens. At the end, Chuck and his mother seem to find a happy common ground! Chuck also loses his socks.
On a sad note, Chuck mentions that his father dressed him funny and gave shitty birthday presents. But he loved Chuck, too! Fatherhood is a double-edged blade.
Blair and Nate attempt to help Chuck with his emotional problems. Nate also attempts to check Twitter because he needs to know what AplusK is up to. His main concern is Chuck’s well-being. Serena’s main concern is making the reappearance of Chuck’s mom about Serena. She goes to Evelyn Bass and projects some of her abandonment issues. Then, Nate comes in, dashing as ever, and works his Food Network magic because he loves TAPPING THAT. Serena is finally over her dad stuff. Serena’s Dad stuff is the new Rufus/Lily lovechild of this show.
For a show that prides itself on teenaged moral ambiguity and debauchery, this week’s episode spent an awful lot of time on OLD PEOPLE. I mean, the thing with Chuck’s mom was understandable, but I did not have “Watch the marital problems of Lily and Rufus” written in my day planner.
After being a child, Rufus comes back to Lily and acts like a child. Then, Lily is sort of mature but also childlike at times. Rufus starts projecting his own issues on his daughter’s love life. That part is weird, because, for example, Serena was in a room when a guy was killed Nate was a prostitute, but Jenny having a boy in her room with the door closed is a cause for concern. Better late than never, that’s what Lily and Rufus always say.
Lily and Rufus fight some more. Then, they decide not to reconcile. I mean, Rufus can take a lie about their love child, but he cannot process what it means that Lily kissed her ex-husband. Then, Vanya (<3 Vanya) player hates Rufus (he is not a player; he just crushes a lot) by revealing to Lily that Rufus left his scarf in the co-op president’s apartment. An eye for an eye is what Rufus always says but is conception of eyes means that Lily kisses someone and Rufus has an affair with the head of the co-op board.
Jenny and Damien are in the middle of all this. Their relationship seems to hinge on neither of them admitting they are romantically linked, drug dealing, and Damien putting lots of creepy sex pressure on Jenny. Not too much, though, as we need to save some creepy sex pressure for the episode called “The Sixteen Year Old Virgin.”
Jenny decides to reveal to Rufus and Lily that she is dealing drugs. Rufus is 2 Old 2 Furious about this. Jenny calls him out on smoking pot, but Rufus says Jenny’s case is different. Hypocrisy: It is what is for Rufus’ dinner.
Damien must have grown an inch or two, because he is taller than Jenny this week. Finally, the producers of this show are getting my letters! In the process of growing, Damien also mentions that his diplomat father is a pill head. After all that, Jenny and Damien totally decide to go steady. Love is in the air!
That probably drives Dan wild. Dan tries to apologize for expressing his love for Vanessa when he was distressed about Serena almost dying. As per usual, Vanessa is creeped out by Dan’s emotional misstep. However, she is also kind of into it. They pull a classic mid-afternoon freshman NYU South Beach mimosa party mix up and realize they are just scared about their passion, since they are artsy. After Vanessa ditches Paul, her neckerchief wearing beau, this happens
Then, they have passionate naked time. You can tell because there are bedsheets on the floor. Whoa! Fan me down! It is getting hot in herre and I am far too demure to take off all my clothes!
NEXT WEEK: Air Bud and Jenny have sex, maybe. Nate gets punched. Serena gives advice so it is the apocalypse.