Gossip Girl: Wherein Everyone Becomes Danny Ocean

Gossip Girl is back. GOSSIP GIRL IS BACK! Spotted, new episodes in the 9PM/8PM Central time slot!  I have been going through withdrawal.  For example, I was at a museum and I thought “I wonder if Aaron Rose, former flame of Serena Van Der Woodsen, enjoys this museum.” I had it bad!

I do not have it bad anymore, because Gossip Girl had an episode. For how much things change, some things stay the same! Or at least, some things continue a resemblance to the way they were in the past. For example, Serena Van Der Woodsen’s neckline.


Admittedly, Serena calmed it down for this week’s gala event (French Ambassadors present Yawn-O-Rama ’10) But that is getting ahead of events. What happened before this?

Serena and Nate’s relationship has progressed to a point where Nate texts Serena before he goes to sleep. Blair assumes these to be sexts, as the kids call them. She advises Serena takes things slow. If you wanna be with Nate, baby there’s a price to pay. You have to make a big impression. Nate has to like what you say!

So, Serena and Nate SEXT all the time. Here are some of their sexts.

NATE: goin 2 bed. i m so hot for u. what u wearin?

SERENA: u r so sweet! i m warin a velvet sheer nitegown but brrrrrrr my sternum is cold 😦

NATE: that is so hot. i can warm u. u r beautiful u should b in green lantern movies

SERENA: u r so sweet!!! and handsome 😉 u should b capt usa in movies

NATE: u have my motor goin. i used 2 play soccer.

Whoa, kids, let’s keep it PG! Speaking of keeping things PG, Jenny has a candid conversation with her fake mom Lily. Jenny reassures Lily that there is nothing Lily can do to stop Jenny from getting her sexy time. Not to worry, Lily, if Jenny wants sexy time, she will go to a hotel to do so. Lily would then find out about the hotel on her American Express bill. Luckily, Jenny is not having sex. Taylor Momsen needs to stop being so cavalier about these things. Sorry Taylor Momsen, but no matter how long you grow your hair or how many times you bra dance with Marissa Cooper’s sister, you cannot making discussing these things register a 12 on the Sarsgaard scale for creepy things (it is a 14 point scale).

Sidebar: This also compelled my local CW affiliate to do a story on branching a discussion with your kids on how to set bedroom ground rules from Gossip Girl examples.  Journalism!

Lily and Rufus address some problems in their marriage the way two mature and competent parents would never even attempt, even in some weird, kinky role play exercise. Rufus has spent three months avoiding Lily because of a rumor about her. Rufus finds that Lily didn’t fuck her ex-husband but she did kiss her ex-husband. Responding proportionally, Rufus fucks the head of the co-op board for his building in a decision represented symbolically by this video

since that is what rock stars do.

Rufus’ decisions are spurred by wonderful advice he gets from his emotionally stable and positive son, Dan. Dan is giving out advice like it is his job! If it were his job, he would be fired for GROSS misconduct. Dan can’t seem to get past his anti-fucknesia concerning Vanessa. Even weirder, he can’t find Vanessa! Gossip Girl finally addressed the phenomenon where, after fucking a lifelong best friend, you lose their cell phone number, their e-mail address, and the directions to their dorm room down the hall. So, Dan sulks and tells Nate and Rufus how they can ruin their lives. He also references reading self-help blogs because Dan Humphrey gets new media.

Meanwhile, Vanessa washes her hair for the whole episode.

Since NYU & Columbia have a three month long winter break, not many of our crew have seen each other. So, Serena is just the cat’s meow when she sees

Surprise! Being committed to taking it slow, this happens

Kids fuck the darndest things!  Serena and Nate’s relationship is built on pillars of trust, understanding, enjoyment, and the opportunities to consummate in weird locales that aren’t bedrooms.

Dan gives Nate some more advice. Nate gives Dan “I know it seems sudden, but I have loved Serena for so long.” (Left field, Nate!)  Dan responds, “I get that, but I did her for a year so I know things. Sigh Vanessa.” Nate finishes, “Save it for the newspapers, kid.” and walks off. However, Nate does the foolish thing and uses Dan’s advice, which is Pretend to Hate Serena’s Stupid Face and Neck Line.

Meanwhile, there are two missions going on. Chuck Bass acts like two Hardy Boyz in one while trying to find the identity of the lady at his father’s grave. Eventually, this lead’s to Chuck saying, “I think that whore may be my mother.” Case closed!

Jenny and her drug dealer eventual boyfriend spend their discussing his past. He used to play basketball on a team with a golden retriever, but now he sells drugs. Life unexpected, indeed. Nancy Drugs, over here, has to figure out a way to get some princess her pill fix. Eventually, she and her shorter-boyfriend decide to affix the pills to a jacket. Then, they will create a replica gala and film what LOOKS to be a break in. When the gala calls the SWAT team, Erick will intercept the call and direct Jenny, George Clooney, and Casey Affleck to the coat room where they can complete the actual swap. However, COMPLICATIONS!

The gala comes. Every man attending looks like Billy Zane in Titanic.

The gala goes off with many hitches. First, Nate/ Serena and Jenny/Damien pull the old switcheroo. Whereas Jenny wanted to be a willing drug mule, Damien lets Serena being an ignorant drug mule. Boys, always thinking with their d’s! Serena’s drug mule status comes from Nate’s inexplicable decision to listen to Dan and cool his Serena jets. Jenny was really looking forward to drug muling, so this ruins her weekend. This makes all their delicate relationships even delicater. How will Jenny get the drugs to the princess? Why does Damien pronounce “Violet” as “Vee-oh-let”? How will Serena and Nate make love in the coat room? The answers are coincidence, douchiness, and frequently.

Speaking of the gala, Jenny goes as Spider-Man

Blair gives up her not-very-definite dreams to be part of THE secret society in order to help Chuck find his probable mother. His definite mother lies to him and says she is not his mother but she has a locket that says otherwise. The Gossip Girl voiceover also informs us that Chuck’s mother has SECRETS.

The gala closes with Serena losing her drug mule jacket. Apparently, that was the only thing she was wearing. She and Nate steal a coat to uphold each other’s decency as they leave the gala, probably talking about politics or soccer. They share so many interests! Chuck’s mom tries to leave Chuck a voicemail but you know how these fogies are with technology! Dan masturcries.

NEXT WEEK: More drug dealing, more Nate/Serena, More Chuck’s mom, hopefully less Rufus.

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One thought on “Gossip Girl: Wherein Everyone Becomes Danny Ocean

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