LOST: WHAT WE KNOW NOW! 1

Two things are happening on the internet right now: people are freaking out about the return of Lost and people are making jokes in the form “Hey, did you guys know Lost was back?” Fuck those things. Let’s get into the details. Here is WHAT WE KNOW NOW

1. IN THE WORLD WHERE THE PLANE DOESN’T CRASH, SAWYER IS MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY.

Man, that Sawyer seemed totally cool. He did not want to con people. He did not want to murder people. He seemed so chill. I bet this version of Sawyer enjoys music of the  laid-back country variety, like Kenny Chesney. He did not have many cares in this world. Some may say that he did not have a care in the world!

2. DURING TURBULENCE, MEN OFTEN HAVE DIFFICULTY URINATING ON AIRPLANES

Bernard, it is okay.  These things can happen to any of us.

3. DESMOND WILL CONFUSE PEOPLE NO MATTER WHEN/WHERE IT IS

Brain explosions, all around.

4. STATUES OFTEN SINK AFTER NUCLEAR BOMBS GO OFF.

5. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

6. HURLEY AND MILES HAVE THE SAME ABILITIES?

If this were a comic book, Hurley and Miles would definitely be related in some way. However, it’s Lost so they will probably be alternate time-travelling versions of each other’s children.

7. IT’S MUCH EASIER TO BRING PEOPLE BACK FROM THE DEAD.

If only Boone and Mr. Eko had waited a few more days to die, they could have survived both timelines. In this case, 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

8. CHARLIE WANTED TO CHOKE ON HIS DRUGS.

Because Lost is loosely based on a Chuck Palahniuk manuscript.

9. HURLEY IS THE MAN NOW.

He is like Batman mixed with awesome and a dash of Xander from BtVS.

10. MOST OF THE SYMBOLS ARE PROBABLY JUST VESSELS FOR VARIOUS LISTS

This show will become Singled Out eventually. Jenny McCarthy will have a group of 100 castaways and some mysterious figure will sit behind some blinds while he tries to find the love connection, I mean ones who are destined for things, I mean love connection.

11. SOMETIMES NEW JOHN LOCKE TURNS INTO SMOKE LIKE SMOKE FROM MORTAL KOMBAT. ALSO, SOMETIMES HE SOUNDS LIKE A TAXICAB PRINTING A RECEIPT.

Factorial.

12. “WALKABOUT” WAS THE BEST EPISODE OF THIS SERIES.

Duh.

13. KATE AUSTIN IS A BRAZEN HUSSY.

Juliet just died, Kate. Be cool on the Sawyer-front. Don’t get all cage lusty lest someone describe ye a floozy.

14. THE OTHERS STILL CONFUSE ME A BUNCH.

New Others? What is this, season 2? Right, fellows?!

15. WHEN YOU’RE FIFTEEN AND SOMEBODY TELLS YOU THEY LOVE YOU, YOU’RE GOING TO BELIEVE THEM.

But in your life, you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team.

16. TIME TRAVEL ERASES SECRET ENGLISH LANGUAGE LESSONS.

Man, Jin became such a dick after this whole erasing history business.

17. ONE OF THE NEW OTHERS LOOKS LIKE AN OLDER DJ QUALLS WEARING JOHN LENNON’S GLASSES.

18. ASH PROTECTS PEOPLE FROM THINGS.

Like he protected Pikachu.

19. CLAIRE IS BACK

I hope she enjoyed her vacation.

20. SPINAL SURGEONS ARE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED TO BE VERY GENEROUS AFTER STRANGERS TELL THEM HEARTWARMING THINGS.

BONUS: TERESA’S LOST SPECULATION OF THE WEEK

This season has shown that the writers and producers of Lost still will not present a name for Jacob’s nemesis. Often, versions of Jacob’s nemesis mention things about their name not being important which means it is probably important (logic). While many people have given the name “Esau” to Jacob’s nemesis, my friend Teresa hopes “I really want Jacob’s rival to be named ‘Edward.'” Her life is Twilight!

NEXT WEEK:  More answers! More questions! More BOOOONE!

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