Gossip Girl: The Wilderness that is Nassau County

During the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass’ dad shows up. I was excited about this because I thought  there was the possibility Bart Bass was still alive and faked his death for some reason. Apparently, this show thinks that scenario would be over the top. So, at first, I was psyched because I thought this episode would be about either ghosts or faking deaths. Then I realized, sadly, it was about neither. But at one point, Dan Humphrey gets totally shot down. That was a thrill.

Most of the episode involves Chuck dealing with the one-year anniversary of his father’s vague car crash death.  He does this by starring in an M. Night Shyamalan film. While he’s grieving and almost closing down homeless shelters and being belittled by his dead father, Blair tries to get past his mysterious exterior. She just can’t crack that shell!

There was also a flash forward at the beginning of the episode, involving Serena, Tripp, their hats, and a pack of white wolves (This symbolism goes to 11). Between the ghosts and flash forwards, I thought JJ Abrams directed this episode! What is this, Lost? No, since Lost returns on Groundhog’s Day. WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THIS EPISODE OF GOSSIP GIRL.

So, last week, Maureen Van Der Bilt found a letter from Dr. Van Der Wood Sen MD Ph. D intended for his daughter. Maureen decides to use this letter to blackmail her husband into staying with her on the condition that he can still keep “pounding out” Serena as a mistress.  That’s the first chapter of Marriage Counseling a New York Politician for Dummies. Serena is mostly upset at this prospect because she loves Trip. She loves his skinny body and his hair and his disappearing for hours at a time and his lies. Serena spends most of the episode looking for Wi-Fi and cable and a microwave. They do not have these things in Nassau County*. But then, Nate tells her where to find pot. He also tells her that his cousin is a liar. Serena responds by not being in love with Trip anymore. Sensible Serena they call her.

*(This episode had many personal lol’s for me because they constantly referred to Nassau County and the 516. That’s my county! It is not that tough to get cable and Wi-fi in Nassau County. Also, it is not all cottages and political mistresses. Only about half of the county is that.)

As mentioned before, Tripp gets into a car crash and Serena is hurt. Tripp does the responsible thing and flees the scene. Nate is pissed about that and eventually punches his cousin because of it. He also vows to tell the world about Tripp’s lies! However, Grandfather (!), Tripp, and Maureen all agree that Tripp is not going to take any shit for this. Politics! Nate decides to fall asleep in Serena’s hospital room instead.

Dan Humphrey is in this episode, which I almost forgot during it. Vanessa invites him to a house with a hot tub but immediately continues with “My new hot drama boyfriend hunk is going to be coming too and we are going to use that hot tub for the naughty thing. The naughty thing is fucking and I will be doing that with my boyfriend and not you Dan Humphrey, just to be clear.” Dan, being sensible, says no. But Nate convinces him that Vanessa’s friend is good-t0-go. Nate then goes on about drama chicks for an inappropriate amount of time. Before they leave for the hot tub house, this girl shows Dan a naked video of her self due to art. Dan starts getting down but is saved by a text message alerting him to Serena’s car accident. Thank Gosh. He then tells Vanessa that he loves her at the hospital which Vanessa disregards as Dan being hysterical. Boom goes the Dan-amite.

Jenny and Eric sort of make up in this episode after both of them are mean to each other. Crisis averted! Remember that short drug  dealer from a few episodes ago? He’s back and Jenny is either drug dealing for him or a teenage prostitute. It is unclear. If they want the Emmys though, they know which way they need to go.

Lily, being an excellent widow, forgets that her husband died a year ago. Rufus, being Rufus, joins the buildings ladies’ lunch or something. Later, when he finds out Lily is lying about something (they need to stop showing Lily and Rufus) he decides to get it on with the ladies from the lunch. Get. It. Oooon.

At the end of the episode, Chuck goes to his dad’s grave and his birth mother is there. But wait, isn’t his birth mother dead?!?!?!? That’s what I thought too! Someone has some explaining to do! That person is probably Chuck’s undead parentage.

NEXT MONTH: Gossip Girl goes off the air for a month. No Christmas episode? Aw. From the preview of next episode, I can safely assume that at one point Blair makes noises about fucking Chuck. But she is not fucking Chuck at that point. Acting. Acting.

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