Gossip Girl: Ughsgiving

I was watching It’s On With Alexa Chung today and Taylor Momsen was on. Her interview was very weird! Sometimes, it shocks me that actors are not very good talking about things. For example, Ms. Momsen just talked about her sleep schedule. She goes to bed very late, like 4AM late. She is a growing girl. That is not good for her metabolism/ mental state!  The whole sleep schedule craze was made more ridiculous because she’s just a kid. Like, all her answers made me realize how very 16 she is. She loves rock ‘n roll in that way that you love rock ‘n roll when you first discover rock ‘n roll. She has a band and plays in the same studio as Drowning Pool. The weirdest part? She didn’t even remember Drowning Pool! That baffles me!

Also, last night’s episode of Gossip Girl baffled me!

It’s Thanksgiving Week on the show, which is uncharacteristic for a program that is usually so timely. Every character has issues with other characters which probably can’t be worked out in one tidy gala event but, fuck the heck,  let’s try. I made a chart about everyone’s issues, but my charts are secret charts. They are not for the internet. To recap though: Blair has issues with her mom, Chuck has issues with shenanigans in his hotel, Cece has issues with Lily, Lily has secret issues with Rufus, Nate has issues with Tripp and Serena whilst Serena has issues with Tripp and Tripp wants to have more ISSUES (knowwhatimsayin) with Serena but they also have issues with Tripp’s wife, Vanessa has issues with her mom, Dan has issues with Vanessa, Vanessa has issues with Dan’s face, Jenny has issues with Eric, Dorota has issues with her boo. After all that, I may need to have some issues with a bottle of Jolt Cola cut with grain alcohol.

But yeah, somehow, everyone ends up at Thanksgiving dinner at the Van Der Humphs household.

To start, Daniel Humphrey.

Dan has to deal with LALM (Life after Lizzy McGuire) and, of course, he has the HOTS for his friend, Vanessa.  Concurrently, Dan does what Humphreys do best and sticks his nose where it does not belong. In this case, his nose does not belong in Vanessa’s relationship with her mother, unless he is trying to work that threesome angle by brining up the issue of the NYU paper with an article called “15 Inappropriate Things to Do When Parents Visit.”

Dan confides in licensed threesome expert Nathan Archibald (I hope in all the scripts, there are notes for Nate about reading lines like Greg Sestero because that is how he sounds every time he talks about threesomes. It seems to me that you are the expert Nate!). Nate asks Dan how he feels about Vanessa, to which Dan responds “How would I even know?” FEELINGS, Dan, get in touch with them.

Vanessa mentions many times that Dan has a new face. These faces.

So, Dan loves Vanessa. But Vanessa’s mom doesn’t want Dan to break her heart again because of their great friendship. Vanessa’s mom recites Dan the business through the Great Love speech from Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! Dan lets Vanessa date other dudes but it is hurting his heart so much. Dan’s love is a secret love.

I’m glad Vanessa’s mom – who seems nice despite Vanessa hating her rather than the game- is back . Her mom has great lines re:Rufus’ wedding including “I was boycotting the floral industry or I would have been there myself.”

Blair has a pretty fun arc. It is notable for its shout out to Aaron Rose, Blair’s unbelievable belief that her mother to be with child (“Fuck science.” – This Show), and the revelation that Dorota is with child. So, congratulations Dorota!

Chuck is also mostly a background character, telling people not to make out in his elevator, chasing kids off his lawn, building model ships in bottles, and various other things.

On the other hand, his boy Nate has a much more difficult week. Since all the male characters on Gossip Girl have become Brian Krakow, I fully expect Nate to give Serena a letter next episode that she reads while driving off with Jordan Catalano, if Jordan Catalano was a congressman from New York City who is risking his whole career for a girl with questionable neckline judgment.

To continue many of the story arcs, Serena is into Tripp and Tripp is into Serena but Tripp has already liked something enough that he put a ring on it (Tripp is the worst husband of television and I say that having seen most of The Sopranos). Nate holds up his sign that says “TIRED OF ADULTERY” and tries to put the kibosh on it by revealing it to Tripp’s wife. It doesn’t work as Tripp decides to throw it all away for Serena because of his political savvy. Nate jumps in though and reveals his love to Serena. Nate’s love is not a secret love. Then Tripp does his Tripp face. Which is thisAlso, his ex-wife ends up with a potentially damaging letter from Serena’s father. So in order to get back at Tripp she will probably destroy Lily’s life. Maureen Van Der Bilt is a treacherous deviant.

Speaking of Lily, her mom shows up because Rufus loves holidays? I am not sure. Also, Cece has a weird reaction to the Abrams family that comes off as racist. But back to Lily. Initially, we find Lily upset that Serena because she has never seen Serena work so much in her life! If by work, she means role play the highlights of the Lewinsky scandal, then yes, Serena is working very hard. As the show goes on, there are lots of hints that Lily did not spend all summer with her mother.  Where usually on Gossip Girl a lie is exposed almost immediately after utterance, Cece realizes Lily’s lie and does a mother’s duty to continue the lie. Being a great parent runs in the family.

In other character news, Jenny gets kind of drunk and picks a fight with Eric. I thought they were done professionally but that is actually cemented in this episode when Eric throws down the gauntlet saying “Your sweet potatoes are bland.” So many layers!

This begins perhaps the most epic scene of the season. While Jason Derulo’s “Whatcha Say” plays in the background for 15 minutes and Rufus tries to be charming, everyone starts storming off! First, Lily! upon discovering Serena’s affair. Next, Serena! upon discovering Nate’s betrayal. Third, Jenny! because she lost her appetite and by appetite we mean her affection for Eric. Fourth, Blair! because she just accused her mother of being pregnant and Blair wants pie. Finally, Vanessa! because her mother makes an innocuous remark! It was like the Whip It!/Babies trailer of television scenes.

At the end, things sort of work out. Rufus is unaware of Lily’s lies. Serena shares a loveless limo ride with Tripp. Nate and Chuck decide to drink as is their custom. Blair goes to Paris. Maureen finds the letter from Mr. Van Der Wood Sen. Eric, in perhaps the most shocking events of the closing, decides to ruin Jenny’s life to which I responded “Whoa, Eric, slow down buddy.”  Seriously, Eric will turn on you like that. And by that I mean quickly. He will turn quickly.

NEXT WEEK: Luke is upset when Julie Cooper dumps him so he drives off and gets into an accident, I mean, Tripp is upset when Julie Cooper dumps him. Also, Dan says something that makes America cringe.

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