Gossip Girl: Caught in a Bass Romance

I had an idea for a television show that was basically a cross between Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and Kevin Smith’s Clerks (“I’m not even supposed be at the apocalypse today!”) About midway through the third season, the protagonists would get to New York City only to find that Lady Gaga was the law. Big white-furred felines all around, irregular shaped sunglasses for everyone, gyroscope uniforms, the works. Lady Gaga on a throne, ruling over New York with an iron Disco Stick.  I imagine I would have to end the show after this, because as we saw last night, GaGa is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega.

The show starts out with Dan Humphrey walking around without a care in the world because he just fucked his girlfriend and his best friend AT THE SAME TIME. High fives all around, dude! (Not).  I haven’t seen someone walk around New York City like this since

And, well, look how that shit turned out.

Meanwhile, Blair and Serena are fighting again because Serena is close to becoming Amy Fisher/ Monica Lewinski/Insert Your Own Political Mistress or Home wrecker here. Let Blair be clear: She does not heart adultery.

Blair focuses on impressing an elite group of students at NYU, namely those enrolled in the Tisch School of the Arts.  All of the Tisch students dress like the boyfriend from Legally Blonde that is not Luke Wilson.  These kids are also really set on getting a private show from Tisch alumna Lady Gaga. First though, a CABARET.

In a far less interesting turn of events, Jenny is tired of swinging single, so Lily is trying to set her up with some society types. The best part of this scene rules involves the term “Gonorrhea of the throat” being said about twelve times. Rufus asks what that is, but he is like throat gonorrhea Patient Zero. Speaking of throat gonorrhea, Chuck Bass walks in with a strapping young lad. Chuck is involved in some business that has him entertaining the son of a diplomat from Belgium or something. Get out of Jenny’s dreams and into The Hague.

Jenny and this boy go off and try to divert the audience’s attention from their glaring height difference. Jenny is excited to show off her potential beau to the maddening crowd of teenagers in Central Park but she freaks out when all he wants to do is play with kiddy boats. Au contraire, Mon Jenny. The boats are a front for drug dealing since the most efficient way for exchanging drugs and money is floating them across a pond in a miniature schooner.

Eventually, Jenny and her new dangerous Napoleonic friend go out to an illicit club where Jenny keeps getting her knee felt up by some old dude. Creepy mostly because Jenny is still sixteen.  In his defense, he was just stunnin’ with his love glue gunnin’. Still ew.

Before things can get too icky, Chuck Bass saves the day. He’s like Wolverine and Jenny is like Jubilee/ Kitty Pryde. Chuck doesn’t want Jenny going to the dark side of life but Jenny is all screaming, “I’m a freak bitch baby!”  She is totally going to go back to the club with the creepy old guy and creepy short dignitary in future episodes.

Speaking of Chuck Bass, pot kettle black sir? I would have accepted Chuck being pissed that the Belgian kid was moving in on his drug territory (because I want GG to slowly turn into The Wire) but due to past events, it is hard  to accept Chuck just looking out for Jenny. You know, since he used to be LOOKIN’ out for Jenny if you know what I mean, in the roofie sense.

Back to Dan Humphrey and the threesome, we get more glimpses of what happened last week through fuckbacks (flashbacks + fuck). Nate tells him that he messed up majorly. The first rule of threesomes is that the third person is always a stranger! That sounds dangerous but remember Nate’s been to Europe! His best friend is Chuck Bass! He’s a loner, Dottie, a rebel.

Dan sees Vanessa for the first time since the threesome and to make sure that things are still cool, they decide to go to a Morrissey show. It’s a tradition. They’ve been doing it since seventh grade. Dan was the worst seventh grader.

Lizzy McGuire is not pleased by the whole Vanessa/ Dan going out on a date thing.  I think they can go wherever they please but to Lizzy McGuire everything depends upon how near Dan stands to her (and if the people stare, if the people stare? Lizzy really doesn’t know and she really doesn’t care). So, she sort of forces Dan to do the Tisch kids’ Cabaret. Dan’s cool with this because he’s going to be a playwright now due to literary whimsy (The title of his first play is going to be called Glengarry Glen Ugh). Dan also keeps dropping not at all subtle hints about having another threesome. This guy is like the anti-Dr. Pepper Cherry.

So, Dan/ Lizzy/ Blair/ and eventually Vanessa work on a cabaret based on fairy tales and Lady Gaga songs. One of the GG nerd dudes shows up to play keyboard. Cherry cherry boom boom, I guess. It goes well, but not for Ms. McGuire who makes her boyfriend kiss Vanessa to show him that he loves Vanessa and should also stop wearing hats. Lizzy McGuire goes off to film Bitches of Eastwick. Vanessa also decides to start dating the Tisch guy from before who, if GG were a movie, would be played by Bradley Cooper. Dan Humphrey will not have any fun despite the beat being sick. No one wants to ride his disco stick.

Oh yeah and Blair gets Lady Gaga to play a concert for the Tisch students which consists of the Ga playing the same song for twenty minutes with an incredibly elaborate set. Blair pulls this off because “Poker Face” turns out to be about her stepfather. I thought it was about this guy

Nate and Serena are also around. Serena still works for Tripp Van Der Bi Lt’s office despite being the epitome of inappropriate.  She confesses to Nate that she doesn’t want to get involved with Tripp because he’s married. Nate’s all for this and decides to get Serena DRANK. Nate wants to roll with Serena. What a hot pair they will be!

Newsflash #1: Everyone finds out that Tripp’s wife Maureen was responsible for the stunt that won Tripp the election. So everyone hates her and Tripp takes this as license to fuck an 18-year old.

Newsflash #2: Nate’s in love with Serena and has been since the first season? Ok. By my records (accurate records) Nate has been romantically involved with every other regular female character, a grad student from Columbia, and a countess, even though he has been in love with Serena the whole time? This is probably just a set up for the fourth season when Rufus is off cage-fighting and Nate reveals to Lily that he only dated Serena in order to get closer to her.

So yeah, Nate tells Serena he’s in love with her while they are drunk but then Tripp comes in and cock blocks Nate. Then Tripp says to Serena, he says “Hey Serena, wanna get some blue Gap dresses and make some bad decisions?” Serena wanting to be caught in a bad romance decides to go.

Remember when television characters had to have chemistry? Serena and Tripp say fuck that.  Despite any chemistry or lack thereof, it is possible for any two characters on this show to get together romantically if given enough time together. This way of viewing makes all the Jenny/ Dan scenes really weird.

At the end, we find Gaga just being Gaga, Nate and Dan being lonely, and Serena getting down with Tripp. Total downer ending, Gossip Girl.

NEXT WEEK: No Gossip Girl. Next new episode is in two weeks and involves Thanksgiving and Tripp being creepy.

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