Why, hello! I didn’t see you there. Please, make yourself comfortable. You look uncomfortable. Take off that dreadfully uncomfortable coat you are wearing. Kick back. Relax. Enjoy ourselves. I mean yourself, wink. Oh, pardon me, I left the fireplace blazing again. How silly! Would you like a beverage? Some sparkling wine, perhaps a Mai-Tai? No? Well, for you my dear, the bar is certainly always open. Please sit. We have urgent matters to discuss. But first, music
Instrumental, of course. For the complete tonal experience. Now, where were we?
As we left Gossip Girl last week, we the audience were tantalized with the promise of a THREESOME. THREE PEOPLE. HAVING SECKS. TOGETHER. ON THE CW. 1+1+1 = FUCKING. For most of the episode, however, the show focused on the Cotillion, or a collective Cotillion involving every private school in the borough of Manhattan. Everyone’s there. Blair comes back (of course). Jenny & Jonothon & Eric are there since they are in high school. Lily & Rufus are there (ugh course). Chuck is there, doing his new Rev. Camden thing, raising the kids, making sure Simon doesn’t run over anybody, the usual. Nate shows up. You were right. Columbia is too competitive.
Now, I have no problem with the characters taking part in this life of society, but so much of season two focused on these characters choosing futures. If these futures were not taken, the characters would end up failures. Following a group of characters who were coping with failure could be interesting, but the way Gossip Girl has handled it has only succeeded in making Blair seem really sad.
So, to recap that part, Cotillion, Nate and Jenny are back on, Rufus is confused about this CRAZY SOCIETY THING, Eric is Darth Vader, Jonothon is TIRED OF DRAMA, Serena makes a wild fashion choice that involves shunning plunging/ non-existant necklines, Blair and Serena make up, Yea for everybody!
Also, Serena almost fucks Tripp Van Der Bilt, this year’s Ms. Carr. But she doesn’t fuck him. Not yet.
Speaking of fucking, THREESOME. Dan, Lizzy McGuire, and Vanessa have a threesome because Lizzy McGuire is going to film a movie. So, they send her off with bad decisions. Also, the nerds show up again. There needs to be GG Nerds webisodes.
Most of their storyline involves Lizzy’s impending departure and a poorly constructed quest to complete the fifteen things to do before leaving NYU list in the school newspaper. Seven of those things involve beer pong and seven involve dangerous liaisons. One involves cheering yourself hoarse at a sporting event, which is odd since the Fighting Violets do not have a lively tradition of sporting recently.
(Sidebar: There’s lots of mafia-related discussion this episode. For tenuous reasons, usually. The Cotillion girls are the five families? Lizzy compares her parents/agents visiting her as like the Sopranos? Next week, there will be lots of The Wire references. Or maybe BIG LOVE.)
Again, speaking of polygamy, the quest continues. Lots of drinking. LOTS OF DRINKING. More obvious drinking than usual on this show. And our heroes appear. . . to be . .. getting . . . .drunk? This can not end well. It ends sort of well in the fact that Dan dances real hot.
But the good times are killing Lizzy! She has to do the movie. But their night was so fun! They almost finished the list. Almost, you say? Well, there is the last thing. . . the third thing. . .
So, Lizzy drinks some more, and then boom, by the power of Grayskull, Dan is kissing Lizzy, Lizzy kissing Vanessa, Vanessa kissing Dan, boys becoming men, men becoming awful. Under the pretense that Lizzy McGuire has to go film her vampire movie, this was a good idea. But now that her vampire movie is cancelled, Houston, we have a drama.
Now, I’m not the expert on group sex, but I have seen The Dreamers so I know this will end badly. Though, Gossip Girl is nothing if not timely. With Britney Spears talking about the subject, its time to strike while the group sex iron was hot.
NEXT WEEK: Let’s have some fun/ this show will be sick/ Lady Gaga shows up.