Who amongst men is fit to move the wheels of change? Who but the most upstanding gentlepeople can guide the rudder that guides the boat of independence? I posit, how are we mere mortals to discern the bright stars in freedom’s swirling galaxy when the artificial light of tyranny floods our vision? The answers to these questions (and more, dear reader!) unfold in this week’s installment of the Gossip Girl program.
We peer into the world of our beloved characters as they awake to the hum of anticipation of the dawning of the new age! The dashing Tripp Vanderbilt races for the right to represent the isle of Manhattan’s eighth district in Congress. O, the power of election, the bitter burden of office! While young Tripp displays a stately face, younger Nathaniel Archibald and elder GrandFather Vanderbilt do not share sir Tripp’s good-naturedness. Desperate times call for desperate measures, says GrandFathers’ sagely stare.
The Gossip Girl program is nothing if not timely. The producers of the teleplay must have a secret algorithm to calculate when episodes will air. In this instance, the episode airs on the eve of New York City’s mayoral election. The next week’s installment of the program appropriately airs on the eve New York City’s triennial threesome celebration.
While Nathaniel involves himself in his cousin’s matters, young knave Daniel Humphrey finds himself in a predicament of the heart. O passion, O love! The affairs of his heart are only second to the affairs of his ego. Young Humphrey has taken a lover of international fame, one Miss Elizabeth McGuire. Miss McGuire ensnares herself in a capital incident. While on the James Fallon Late Night Varietal Extravaganza, Miss McGuire tells a story. Now, it may be her new-fangled slang or just my misunderstanding of the higher courts, but Miss McGuire’s story (involving Young Humphrey, a spider, a change of shirt, a restaurant, and embarrassment) elicits a witticism from Master Fallon that fell straight from the mouths of the muses. Master Fallon dubs Young Humphrey “Bathroom Boy”, an offense of the highest degree.
For most of the episode, we, dear audience, believe Young Humphrey seeks retribution for such offense. “You have dishonoured my home, Master Fallon. Prepare to duel!” Miss McGuire is beside herself with worry. Woe befalls her like golden tresses cascade down her neck! Much to all’s delight, Young Humphrey takes no offense to the segment. Instead, he prepares a courting meal for Miss McGuire. That scoundrel Fallon even apologises to Young Humphrey and exalts his good name. Huzzah, a day for the Humphrey clan to remember!
While Young Humphrey is off galavanting and most of the other characters are involved with the political events of the day, the bard Rufus Humphrey, his aristocratic wife Lillian, and the misguided Jennifer spend their time playing Scrabble. Jennifer has caught a bug it seems from the high level of allergens in her liberally-applied dark lip product. We see little of these characters this episode and let us thank St. Stephen for such miracles!
Nathaniel tries to convince Tripp to let their venerated GrandFather assist in the campaign matters. Tripp shuns the help of his family. He wants to strike out on his own good name. However, there are things more important than names and politics, such as death! and life! While Tripp and Nathaniel discuss life, a man drowns in the Hudson River. Tripp leaps to action and dives into the unforgiving waters. He becomes the hero of the day as he wrests the poor soul from the cruel clutches of Death. The polls respond “We have the facts and we’re voting Tripp!”
The fates smile upon Vanessa Abrams as she captures the only footage of the heroic Vanderbilt. She is shocked to discover that the poor soul who almost drowned calmly inserts himself into the water before flailing his arms in a feint for Tripp’s sake. She informs her ex-lover, young Nathaniel, who reacts with shock and dismay and a whirl of mixed emotions! He sullies Vanessa’s good name in order to save Tripp. O the gray expanse of modern living!
Vanessa eventually discovers Nathaniel’s deceit and unravels his lies. In order to save Tripp’s campaign, Nathaniel drags his own reputation through the mud. The twists and turns to which those closest to us subject us!
Chuck Bass furthers his burgeoning career while dispensing the wisdom of the philosophers. Especially since Miss Blair Waldorf and Miss Serena Van Der Woodsen feud with the fury of the Furies. Blair descends into her lonely friendless existence of woe where Master Bass is her only respite. Serena descends into her PR job which starts to resemble the antics of the Entourage program on HBO. Words are exchanged between the two. “Strumpet!” screams Serena. “Lady of the night!” decrees Blair. “I am not the lady of the night. Your friend named after a former Supreme Court Justice is!” retorts Serena. Which is true, as Blair’s friend Brandeis puts her self through school by selling her womanly wares. As Serena leave the gala du jour, her fake beau remarks how he pays her for her expertise in country matters. She sees this life is not the one she wants. “You’re right,” she tells the world, “the PR business is too competitive.” Blair sinks into the arms of her only friend in the world, the wise and capable Monsieur Bass. Still, she paints her face with the rouge of sadness and the mascara of regret. The woe of mirroring and realization!
As the night closes, Tripp emerges victorious! He lives by Nathaniel’s words “Be the best congressman this district has ever seen!” Tripp takes these words to heart and proceeds to buy the 18-year old Miss Van Der Woodsen a cocktail as well as flirt with that impudent strumpet. Say it not so, Tripp! What would your better half think?
As it turns out, Tripp’s better half is as cunning as man of the high seas. It is revealed that she arranged the scene which made Tripp a hero. As is customary with most of the plans on the program, Tripp’s better half talks through her deceit with GrandFather as a master planner (even though she could have not possibly foreseen that blasted Abrams’ interference. Or could she have!?!) and pushes his cold, knowing hand from Tripp’s burgeoning political life.
Alas, what dreams we find in the things of which we are ignorant! The power of James Fallon!
NEXT WEEK: I doubt any may have missed this but next week the Gossip Girl program delves into the complex world of threesomes. O brave new world that has such people in’t!