Gossip Girl: Wherein Jenny Humphrey Begins Ordering Her Associates To Commit Hate Crimes

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There are lots of fun ways to celebrate Halloween. Halloween parties, trick-or-treating, mischief, scary movies, going to Allman Brothers concerts.  All perfectly valid ways of spending October 31st.  Unlike Christmas and Thanksgiving, Halloween has no familial burden hanging over it. It’s fun to spend Halloween with friends!

So, how do the characters on Gossip Girl spend Halloween? By burning bridges!

Jenny and Lily are going through Jenny’s closet to see if they can find what has been making Jenny’s lips that color. There is some tension here between Jenny and who-Jenny-used-to-be! Move over plaid jumpers, the Queen Bee is in town. This is nowhere more apparent than on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art because that is where Jenny and Eric go to school now. The first rule of the Met is don’t talk about fight club, but the second rule of the Met is NO ONE SITS HIGHER THAN QUEEN J. Erik and Jonathan don’t have their rule books handy, and sit too high on the steps. They move down but then say fuck that noise and move back up, above Jenny and her minions. Quick Landmark lesson: There are lots of steps on the Met. This conflict is silly because of the large amount of steps. It is especially silly because we see bunches of people standing higher than Jenny in the shot!  They are probably just waiting for her wrath though. Also, Jenny and Eric hang out on the stairs for what is the equivalent of three days in every other story arc.

This is the first extensive look at Eric and Jonathan’s relationship.  The glue that holds their relationship together is Metaphors. Sometimes, to spice things up, they use similes, but metaphors are their bread and butter. What do these metaphors get them? Slushied. They get drinks thrown on them. Then Mr. Schuster shows up and starts awkwardly rapping “No Scrubs” , oh wait, sorry! Wrong show! But seriously, Erik and Jonathan get drinks thrown on them by Jenny’s minions.

The weirdest part of the Jenny/Erik story is that the rest of the characters forget that Eric has been Jenny’s best friend and that they also live together.  Apparently, no one at the high school knows this. The person who doesn’t know this the most turns out to be Jenny. Her minions keep convincing her to be mean to Erik and Jonathan. At the big end-of-the-episode gala (surprise!) one of the minions mentions something like “Look, ew, Eric’s here.” to which Jenny could have responded “Yeah, I know we came in the same stretch Hummer Limo.” Instead, she approves her underlings plan to egg Jonathan in his costume/suit from the Johnny Depp movie Public Enemies. Jenny Humphrey tries to rationalize all this to Eric later but he holds up his “TIRED OF DRAMA & JENNY” sign. Jenny goes back to assaulting her closet (full circle!) and throws out her sewing machine too! Its like the parts of Spider-Man 3 where Peter Parker gets taken by the symbiote. Except with sewing.

Chuck is still mad at Blair and Blair keeps strumming on the “But you said you kissed guys before” banjo. Wait, she don’t know Chuck like we know Chuck. He focuses on opening his new seedy underground club of debaucery. A little bit of Thailand on the Upper East Side. The biggest problem with opening this morally bankrupt club is finding a liquor license. Since Chuck Bass is the character most likely to follow these rules, it makes sense. His bartender is also concerned. He even says so as he hands his 18-year old boss a Moonshine Martini.

Blair fudges everything up by asking Uncle Jack Bass to help with the liquor license. Just when I thought Gossip Girl had tied up all their loose threads, they pull me back in! I bet Uncle Jack is off, being deported, hanging out with Ms. Carr and Serena’s dad, sipping daiquiris and living the good life.

Blair’s blunder eventually leads to Chuck being upset but also realizing that Uncle Jack got them a fake license. So, he does what any discerning club owner does and calls the cops before Uncle Jack has the chance to (from Australia). Now, I don’t throw illicit parties a lot (I threw an illicit party once, but that was a long time ago. . . ), but if the cops will be called regardless, why cut the party short? Unlike Eddie Murphy, Chuck’s girl does not want to party all the time.

Rufus and Lily have different ideas of Halloween. While Rufus wants to give children candy, Lily wants to go to her stepson’s illicit party. Parent of the year material.  Rufus eventually convinces her otherwise and Lily thanks him by setting up an elaborate Truman Show deception in order to get trick-or-treaters to the apartment. Rufus dresses like a Ramone but he also sort of looks like Velma from Scooby-Doo. Rufus and Lily have a good laugh about things before things get weird and they talk about “grown up trick-or-treating” where I guess they get Metamucil and Centrum Silver instead of candy bars. Then Rufus refers to Lily’s vagina as the only door he wants to visit. Worst halloween ever.

Serena has a job still. Her boss hates her because she won’t help break up Lizzy McGuire and Dan Humphrey. The PR business is too competitive. Serena eventually defaults to her bread and butter, which is deceit, and tried to get Lizzy McGuire and her ex-boyfriend back together. Serena also helps Chuck open his club because Serena is the best at promoting clubs at breakneck speeds. At one point, Serena gets fired again. At another point, there is an interesting moment with Nate where the audience realizes that Nate and Serena are going to hatefuck each other so hard so soon. If train Nate leaves Columbia at 9:00AM and train Serena leaves her office at 10:15AM traveling at a speed of 30MPH, how long until hatefuck? This is also the part of the season where Serena and Blair break up for a couple episodes.

Since Nate doesn’t have anything like an Ivy League curriculum holding him down, he spends the episode helping Dan learn about Lizzy McGuire’s hit movie. Not only is Nate well versed in the mythos of the wildly popular CamelotVampireTwilight thing, he also reads the blogs! He knows that Lizzy and her ex-boyfriend were real sexing when filming the steamier scenes.

Dan is concerned by this. He is especially concerned when Lizzy starts levitating during one of the scenes. Nate assures him that it is a special effect. Whoo, close one there. Since GG is on the network, they can’t say fucking so they have to say “noise stage.” Apparently, they can say orgasm (as Nate does right before explaining his top ten rules for finger banging), but “levitating” is used much more. It also feels really creepy when Lizzy McGuire talks about levitating. It will be more creepy when the threesome episode happens.

This is how Dan feels about levitating

He ain't no Michael Cera

Dan and Lizzy have a tension about being in the public eye, but Serena disregards their concerns and outs them in front of the paparazzi while escaping the cops from Chuck’s CRAZAY club opening. While exposing them, we are introduced to the new best GG character. That character is long-winded question-asking paparazzi photographer. There is only one group of characters better than him. They are

The dramatic chorus of our day and age.

The episode closes with a montage as usual. Jenny has changed, Dan and Lizzy have taken their relationship to the NEXT LEVEL, Chuck decides to make his speak easy a speak easy. All in a day’s work for Gossip Girl. Also, apparently Albert Hammond Jr. played at Chuck’s party.

NEXT WEEK: Gossip Girl gets political. Real Time with Blair Waldorf. The No Spin Zone with Nate Archibald. Meet the PRess with Serena Van Der Woodsen.

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One thought on “Gossip Girl: Wherein Jenny Humphrey Begins Ordering Her Associates To Commit Hate Crimes

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