Gossip Girl: Tying Up Knots in the Manner of a Bored Boy Scout

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Harvey Danger had a huge hit on their hands in 1998 with “Flagpole Sitta.”  I spent a lot of time in a car with my uncle that year listening to modern rock radio. Anyway, my uncle loved this song and would talk at length about the truth in the lyric “found that only stupid people are breeding.” He agreed with that assessment and rationalized his choice not to have children through this Harvey Danger song rather than taking a good luck in the mirror. I found his cynicism harsh and unjustified. I still do not agree with his view but if had cited this week’s Gossip Girl back then (through time machinations), he would have made a better argument.

Wedding week continues with the nuptials no one wants, especially not the Bride and Groom!

The best part of waking up are montages in your cup! Morning breaks in New York City  and the warmth of young love runs through its veins.  Especially Dan Humphrey’s young love, setting his heart a fancy, making him do crazy, silly love things like use his netbook in the middle of the street. Before this episode, I did not see the point of netbooks. They were portable, sure, but I think their impracticality might eventually outweigh that factor. As soon as Dan Humphrey threw back his head and typed his next word masterpiece to Lizzy McGuire, I realized netbooks were created for Dan Humphrey, and Dan Humphrey alone. I hear that the spinoff Dan Humphrey Mobile Chats with Ren Stevens is already in the works and aims at being a midseason replacement. The whole time Dan was IM’ing, I thought that someone on a bicycle would race past and steal it from him. Serves you right, you showy, brash, hopeless romantic!

So things with Dan and Olivia (an odd side effect of Dan’s fucknesia is he is only attracted to women whose names end in vowels or used to Teach For America) are going swimmingly even though Olivia’s Tyra Banks Nazi movie has an Asian press tour. The easiest way to acclimate oneself to college life is galavanting on Asian press tours. It’s ok though, since everyone knows NYU doesn’t start classes until the third week of Novemnber.  This is also the second oddest absence explanation of the episode (the first being the deportation of Poppy Lifton).

Georgina’s back from studying abroad in CRAZYVILLE. Man, she took a turn.  It seemed that all the characters on the show fit into some predetermined type (Serena & Poppy Lifton as the party type, Chuck & Carter as the illicit business type, Aaron Rose & Dan as the awful type) but Georgina has moved past a bunch of these and into boiling rabbits type. But she also moved into the Having-the-Best-Lines-Ever circle dropping knowledge like “What does it mean when someone used to grab your ass but now doesn’t? It means that someone is a big, fat liar.” to the hot dog vendor in the park.

(There seems to be a lot of backlash towards Michelle Trachtenberg, not even Georgina as a character. But hey, remember the good times? Like

A life of hard-boiled crime solving turned this innocent girl into the Georgina Sparks we know today.I think we should lay off of the ‘Berg.)

Things seem pretty fishy with Nate’s new lady, Brie, in regards to Serena’s new man, Carter Baizen. Before that, things seem pretty fishy with Brie and Blair. Did I say fishy? I mean that while Brie is being nice and hospitable, Blair is trying to pee all over Nate and mark her territory, figuratively. Chuck (who is slowly turning into the show’s moral compass or Bill Cosby) recognizes Brie’s hospitality. “You know what Brie is, Blair? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality! The CW won’t allow it.” So Chuck decides to apologize for Blair. As always, Chuck Bass comes for the civilized discourse but stays for the SECRETS.  Man, the way they are hyping this Baizen-Bomb, it’s going to turn out he’s a clone of Bart Bass from the future or something.

Georgina continues to be crazy and catches Vanessa in her madcap web of mischief! Vanessa still has a tenuous grasp on the rules of the world in which she lives, so she tries to keep Georgina’s secrets locked deep inside Georgina’s treasure chest of crazy. In fact, things get so zany that Dan Humphrey mistakes Vanessa’s distress for an admission of her secret love. Dan Humphrey does not understand life. In fact, Vanessa decides that between revealing a potentially life-altering secret and having Dan Humphrey think you love him, the secret revealing is the better deal. Everyone ever agrees.

Carter Baizen is hanging around too but Chuck Bass now knowing SECRETS, tries to see to it that Carter gets the heck out of dodge. Apparently, if he does not leave, Carter will face the fury of a Southern family scorned. Lots of references to the Civil War and Southern Justice and Brie’s family come up, so we can only assume that Brie comes from a long line of stereotypes. And these stereotypes want to murder Carter Baizen for the awful things he did.

What were the awful things he did? He tried to marry someone in Brie’s family (Munster was her name if I recall) to access money he needed to pay off some gambling debts but then he got cold feet. Serena Van Der Wood Sen, beacon of goodness and hope and totally not killing strangers, kicks Carter to the curb. A Carter Baizen is a guy who thinks he is fine, but he is also known as a buster. Chuck Bass points out that Carter could have taken the easy way out but instead was honest with Serena and he accepts his fate of death by WASP.

The stand out star of the season is definitely Jenny’s lips. And when I say stand out, I mean STAND OUT! They make her look like The Joker.  Seriously, the color was so distracting, I almost forgot how terrible Lily and Rufus were. Almost.

Let us remember the reason we have gathered, and that is for the wedding of two people who are clearly not fit to be in any sort of relationship, let alone such a legally and emotionally binding one.  The process by which they decide to wed goes something like this. They fight for a while. Then their poorly raised children reunite them. Then they discuss their youth, eyes wet with nostalgia. Then Rufus decides let’s get married and coaxes Lily into it by saying ‘Hey, you’ve done this lots of times already.’ Then Lily mentions Mayor Bloomberg because New York City, and then they decide not to marry.

So, finally, after Rufus admits to Lily that he doesn’t understand anything, and they juuuuust miss each other at the apartments, they decide to marry tomorrow. Rufus Humphrey is nothing if not spontaneous which was charming when he was 16 and saying things like “Let’s sneak in to the public pool after it closes.” Now this quality just contributes to his poor decision making ability. To punctuate the occasion, a Phoenix song plays, ensuring that Phoenix have enough royalty checks to buy enough guitars and synthesizers their little hearts could want. Phoenix gets money.

Because even adults can’t handle the stress of planning a wedding in a day, they do the sensible adult thing and throw the burden on children. At one point Vanessa even calls Lily and Rufus “too precarious” when mentioning that the notion of their child could set them off the deep end. Adults, ladies and gentlemen!

Speaking of love children, Scott comes back and it starts to rain because if you don’t like the New York City weather, wait five minutes for the love child to show up. He travels very quickly. I have a theory that he has super powers. That may be the only thing that could make Scott interesting.

During the wedding preparations, Jenny mentions she has never seen her dad happier than when he is with Lily. Jenny must have a fucked up perception of what happiness is. Save Jenny Gossip Girl!

But Lily still has cold feet! Because she can’t write her vows! All this anxiety makes her  do what comes naturally and that is being a horrible mother. Scott shows up and Lily starts yelling “No wire hangers!” at him which causes him to fly away take the Chinatown bus back to Boston. Georgina drops some more truthfacts on the wedding day by revealing Scott’s identity. She also wishes their first child be a masculine child. Lily and Rufus set off to make things right. But before they do, they fight again. Their is so much fighting on their wedding day. Lily admits she is afraid of lots of things (heights and mad cow disease mostly) but she and Rufus work things out! Love 1, Sonic Youth 0, Mayor Bloomberg -1.

The point of the whole episode? Love is never truly complete unless you get married (if you were married before, those marriages can only be loveless marriages to shady businessmen and European adventures).

We close with Sonic Youth, Carter marching to his Southern death, and Georgina marching to her Deroda imposed Eastern European prison.

NEXT WEEK: Gossip Girl does Rounders and parties with the poker craze of 2004.

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One thought on “Gossip Girl: Tying Up Knots in the Manner of a Bored Boy Scout

  1. Anonymous says:

    www harriet the spy com

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