Gossip Girl: Basically, Dan is the new Gordo.

Gossip Girl knows what is going on. Gossip Girl has done the research, it realizes what happens to high school shows when they get to college. The GG team has some tricks against this, namely, Jenny and Erickc still being in high school, everyone going to REAL colleges in Manhattan, and utilizing the inherent separation between the audience’s everyday life and the perception of Upper East Side society almost as if the show is saying “No, that is totally how it is. How would you know being from not here?”  The best trick the show has is its willingness to embrace the absurd. It’s like the Bible says, “When I was in high school, I spake like a Dan Humphrey, I understood like a Blair, I thought as Chuck Bass but when I became a First-Year at NYU, I put away high school things except I didn’t.”

The jumping around these days on Gossip Girl seems more believable than most other college transition shows. Jenny and Erikck were never part of the big kids’ world except when Nate wanted to party statutory style and Blair wanted to be mean. So this could work? Maybe?  I’m not sure if I really care that much about Jenny and Eric enough without intervention from another character. THANKFULLY THAT HAPPENS.

I wonder how much Nate spends on transportation from Columbia to NYU every day.  He probably needs a SuperMetroCardForSocietyTypes with all those train rides he is taking.  I wish Nate had his own friends at Columbia.  It may be sloppy plotting or it may be a prelude to Nate’s complete breakdown that no one saw coming. Save Nate Gossip Girl!

Blair is searching so hard for her identity at NYU! The Masters of the Universe club needs to appear in every episode forever or they need to do a spin-off. I know the Young Lily thing didn’t work but maybe they need to think of a different audience. But let’s step away from dreams and back to their canonical appearance. Blair shows up and the GEEKS totally lose it, which probably does not help their female member’s self-esteem. I am sure she is a wonderful person but they can’t see that through those thick spectacles and tight  pony tail!

Blair’s arc throughout this episode saddened me.  One of the most interesting aspects of Blair Waldorf was her confidence.  The Yale debacle stripped that away and it seems that the Constance Billard thing is set up to stress that Blair is not powerful, Blair is not in control anymore. XOXO Bummer Girl!  By the end of the episode, Blair has a new cadre of fellow scorned women to take over the world by her side! (Sidebar:  I think two of Blair’s Troops were twins?  Maybe this is only my experience, but I do not buy that these girls were on the outs in college.  College people LOVE twins. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not prejudiced [some of my best friends are twins] but I do not believe the NYU kids in this show are above going bat-shit over the twins.) Blair needs to move up and start infiltrating the Board of Trustees or some stuff.

Blair’s arc also touches upon the unlikely alliance of Chuck and Jenny.  The enemy of my girlfriend is my friend? I guess Chuck. Chuck and Jenny must have had some totally non-awkward conversations that day.

CHUCK: Hey, remember when I tried to drug and rape you?

JENNY: Yeah!

I think this show just rubs continuity in our faces sometimes.

Despite that, Gossip Girl does go to great lengths to explain even the smallest of characters’ absences. Georgina’s out-of-town!  Ericck’s beau is in Torino! Nate’s girlfriend who was the cheerleader on Freaks and Geeks is out-of-town! Carter Baizen . . . no one cares! Here’s an analogy:

Johnny Depp : Skeet Ulrich :: Chuck Bass : Carter Baizen

Speaking of which, Chuck needs to amp up his decadence game or they need to break up Chuck and Blair because that ball and chain is keeping Chuck from his true loves of Southeast Asian brothels and opium dens.

With all the Serena and Rufus interaction lately, they totally need to have an affair. That would be the best choice for this show in the future.  I don’t think it’s out of their characters since Rufus is neither a good human nor a good father and Serena has been upping the selfish/childish quotient of late. But now that Lily’s back 😦 I guess that won’t happen. Lily was away taking courses at the DeVry’s Dan Humphrey School of Self-Righteous Bullshit actually so Serena MUST go to Brown because she can’t support her self! Also, C.C. definitely has breast cancer.

Serena’s tragic story is that she can’t get a job and all the magazines just want her to go to parties despite her lengthy resume of fashion journalism and not drug/alcohol abuse. OH WAIT.

Serena shows Lily and does get a job babysitting Tyra Banks’ character, Ursula, basically the same Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Tyra has a new move about Nazis (co-starring Lizzy McGuire but we will get to that) and Serena is the only person who understands her! Which gets Serena fired! But then rehired! Put that in your righteous pipe and smoke it Lily!

The real thrust of the episode concerns Dan Humphrey and his budding romance with television’s Lizzy McGuire. Dan is so not concerned with vapid, inconsequential things like popular culture that he knows not of Vampire King Arthur, nor does he care who stars in such talkies! Nate, though, is majoring in that sort of thing.

Little ditty about Dan and Lizzy McGuire: Boy meets girl, girl gives boy fake identity, etc. As always, Dan doesn’t care for drama in his relationships.  His motivation in this episode was TIRED OF DRAMA. And LM does not want to do that to him.  Lizzy is also Vanessa’s new roommate who is moving in three weeks into the semester due to Vanessa’s hair finally settling the fuck down. Also, these kids need to just pick their classes already. I’m not saying I’m Mr. Decisive here, but it feels like they have been at college/ going to classes for a while and they are still messing with their schedules?  NYU probably hates how GG is portraying them.  Yale feels bad for NYU since Yale had to deal with the same thing but now Yale is TIRED OF DRAMA so it’s past it.

My favorite moment of the episode was when Lizzy and Dan were talking.  Dan mentions that the last girl he dated was in the spotlight a lot.  No, Dan, by my count, she was not. Georgina has many problems, but the spotlight is not one of them. If we want to go back farther, Ms. Awful Teacher did not want to be in the spotlight but funny things happen when you start fucking students.  Dan Humphrey has a medical condition known scientifically as Fucknesia (Fuck + Amnesia).

BUT, Dan and Lizzy get together after Lizzy is mistaken for an Italian pop star, forgive me, wrong moving picture. But it seems like everyone is happy at the end. Dan and Natalie Stiles/ Julia Portman are together, Blair is back, Chuck is kinky,  Serena is gainfully employed, Jenny decides to be an awful person, Vanessa decides to call Scott DUH DUH DUH.  Cliffhanger: Scott is talking to Georgina!

NEXT WEEK: Every plot thread ever comes to a head. Scott’s resemblance (read: not resemblance) to Lily and Rufus is noticed! Georgina is mean!  Bart Bass comes back from the dead!

ALSO: If anyone gets Showtime, Ed Westwick has been playing a gay college student who writes Vampire fiction and is in love with David Duchovny on Californication. It’s interesting.

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2 thoughts on “Gossip Girl: Basically, Dan is the new Gordo.

  1. Mallory says:

    Fucknesia. Brilliant.

    GG is the new magical realism. Anyway, this is what dreams are made of, right Lizzie? Or Isabella? Or Lizzie!?

  2. LISA says:

    love the blog and love the insights!

    EXCEPT 4 1 U R WRONG ABOUT CARTER… LOVE HIM

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