Ten more albums! The future! Let us get to it!

10). LiveLoveA$AP by A$AP Rocky

By June of 2012, people might think of A$AP Rocky as the Kevin Bacon of hip, under-the-radar rap music. In 2011, Rocky worked with Main Attrakionz, Clams Casino, and Danny Brown. Next year, he’s going on tour with Drake and Kendrick Lamar. He’s in the studio with Araabmuzik as well. I would not be surprised to see him do a quick spot on a Watch the Throne 2 song with Abel Tesfaye singing the hook. We just need a quick spot between the A$AP crew, Shabazz Palaces, and Azealia Banks for Rocky to complete the relevant 2011 hip-hop.

The rhymes might not blow you away on LiveLoveA$AP, but everything else does. Rocky made the most of Clams Casino’s prolific production. The rest of the producers on the tape also bring their best. No matter the producers, A$AP Rocky makes these tracks his. During an interview on Pitchfork.tv, A$AP Rocky discussed the importance of that connection, saying, “…[R]appers aren’t shit without that good producer.” A$AP knows that making the most of an opportunity (or of a beat) can result in great things, like LiveLoveA$AP or his reported three million dollar deal from RCA.

9. Strange Mercy by St. Vincent

Stranger Mercy is a grower (not a shower [Gross. Why? {Seriously. Go to jail and never get paroled.}]). The album opens with the powerful “Chloe In The Afternoon,” and  strong pre-release tracks “Cruel” and “Surgeon” are full of vigor, but the Strange Mercy did not leave an early impression as Marry Me and Actor did. Lots of the songs (“Cheerleader” and “Northern Lights”) start off with Annie Clark strumming easy chord patterns, surprising listeners who expect the technical, manic, and fuzzy licks of the earlier albums. What Clark keeps setting up with unexpected simplicity, she follows up by continually knock-knock-a-knocking it down with some of her most complex and busiest sections to date. The somewhat jazzy sections of earlier St. Vincent albums have morphed into some sort of prog-influenced maximalism, which is great. It’s great that people still take chances.

8). Bon Iver, Bon Iver by Bon Iver

I saw Bon Iver play in Prospect Park a month after Bon Iver, Bon Iver was released. There were two drummers, Colin Stetson playing woodwinds, lots of guitars – there was just a lot going on. The band made the big moments from the songs bigger and the small moments really intimate. It was great. Have you ever had one of those moments where everything feels great and wonderful and you don’t have a care in the world, and maybe you know it can’t last but you don’t really care, because oh my God, it feels incredible? And maybe you stop for a moment and you think, oh finally finally finally thank you thank you thank you, but you are not sure what you are thankful for and what you think finally happened? And maybe you played the moment in your head for such a long time leading up to it, and the real moment doesn’t go the same for whatever reason, but that is ok because right then you are in it and it has been long since you have felt a warmth like that, a shaking, gorgeous warmth that you want to hold on to forever?

I had a lot of emotions at that concert.

7). Take Care by Drake

I’m never really sure how to write about hip-hop (“You’re never really sure how to write about ANYTHING, John!” – everyone who saw that Bon Iver thing and are now high-fiving each other after their sick burn. Sick burn, guys.) and I am completely lost when it comes to Drake (This guy isn’t). Is he Dirk Nowitzki? Is he playing with us all? How much does he hate being famous but love being famous? Does he hate what Tumblr has become? If you don’t think about Drake, these things are not of any concern and he is just a successful Canadian rapper. If you think about Drake A LOT, you will start thinking crazy things.

And I do think about Drake a lot because I like a bunch of his songs. I can’t relate to Drake because I’ve never been a successful Canadian actor-then-rapper, but his music resonates emotionally with me more than other hip-hop (until get really into lean, then I will relate to ALL OF THE MUSIC).

Also, “Marvins Room” holy shit.

6). David Comes To Life by Fucked Up

This album totally fucking owns. It will destroy your face. It’s like if Jesus found a crowd waiting to stone a person and said, “Let those without sin, throw the first rock.” And Fucked Up were without sin and they decided to rock. The results were the same because they rocked the person to death.

5). Instrumentals by Clams Casino

Every track Clams Casino touched in 2011 turned to gold. He is the Midas of spacey, under-the-radar hip-hop beats. What’s most incredible about his Instrumentals mixtape is how it works on two levels. First, there are the tracks as they are – wonderfully off-kilter electric tracks with standard rhythms that envelop you as you listen. Secondly, Clams mystifies audiences when his tracks actually back up MCs. Then, it takes the production game to another level. It’s some Cirque du Soleil type production (2010 callbacks! ! !)

4). Black Up by Shabazz Palaces

In the last part of this list, I mentioned that Main Attrakionz had the “most different” sound of 2011 hip-hop (again, ugh, sorry for that). I am wrong. Black Up should get that nod. Black Up should get the nod of sounding the most unlike ANYTHING ELSE this year. Where a lot of hip-hop was weird but kept a pattern, Shabazz Palaces have no reservations about being occasionally formless. This yields the most interesting record of the year.

What is even crazier is how disconnected this record is. Where A$AP Rocky networks, Shabazz Palaces are content to stay on their own and make wonderful hip-hop.

3). Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming by M83

Some people feel this album is too long. That is a legitimate concern. This is a long album! You could say that Anthony Gonzalez did not listen to Sum 41′s advice of “All Killer; No Filler.” There is lots of killer here. However, it is not all killer. But it is all great! Fatigue can be a problem with this album, less because of length and more because of how much is going on in many of these songs. The quiet moments might seem unnecessary, but I don’t think Gonzalez could sprint flat-out for two hours. It is a ridiculous pace. Incredibly, he does sprint for a good portion of the album which results in some of the biggest M83 tracks ever.

2). House of Balloons/ Thursday/ Echoes of Silence by The Weeknd

I saw someone somewhere (maybe in a dream. I have no fucking clue) describe the Weeknd as creepy or something, and not in line with traditional R&B, but the music is super interesting and that these descriptions were not meant as insults. I am paraphrasing. Also, I could have just made this person up. Who cares. Anyway, I disagree. These mixtapes are some of the smoothest things I have heard in the past couple of years. Of course they are sexy because they are dark, dangerous, and unlike things you’ve already heard. We want the unknown and we don’t know shit about the Weeknd.

We do know that all the mixtapes are fantastic. With each one, Abel Tesfaye has gotten more polished and confident without losing the intrigue. People may have slept on Thursday and Echoes of Silence a bit just because they were not new wonderful discoveries out of nowhere. Those tapes are still pretty incredible. Still, I mean, if I didn’t place an inordinate value on sentiment and personal emotional connections to music, House of Balloons might have been my number one album of the past four years and the next four years.

1). Hello Sadness by Los Campesinos! 

News of a new Los Campesinos! album delighted me, but I decided that it would not be my album of the year. I had heard a bunch of incredible music already and I knew LC! would do a great job, but I felt like, as a person, I should grow and not let my emotions get the best of me when making a critical assessment of music. Then I heard the album and realized, like REO Speedwagon, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore.”

Hello Sadness is the most focused LC! album yet. Even more impressive is that LC! are able to balance being clever, being poppy, and being inviting without resorting to old tricks. My first instinct is to say that  Hello Sadness is more grown up, but that is stupid because grown up means boring and Hello Sadness is never boring.

Hello Sadness is perfect for lots of things. It’s perfect for walking home from the late train on cold November nights. It’s perfect for jumping around in your bedroom. It’s perfect for secretly, frantically, and passive-aggressively looking at acquaintances on the internet. It’s perfect for being sad and hungover.

Reading the text of Los Campesinos!’s oeuvre, you’d think them fatalistic, pessimistic sad-sacks. “We are doomed. Shout at the world because the world doesn’t love you. I never made her smile like that.” Admitting all these things brings catharsis. Of course, we are still doomed, the world still does not love you, and I will never make her smile like that, but things keep going.

Where does the time go, 2011? One moment, it is February and you are recapping episodes of Pretty Little Liars and then, what do you know, it is December and you maybe did not blog that much because you started a soul-crushing fulltime job under the impression that this would motivate you to get a better job when in reality it has left you a tired shell of a man. That is just an example year and not a year that happened to anyone here.

But we are not here to talk about jobs; we are here to talk about music!

2011 had lots of great free music. Maybe I just dove deeper into mixtapes this year or maybe I was confused about what was really free, but there were so many great mixtapes and free albums. Clams Casino, Terius “The-Dream” Nash, A$AP Rocky, and Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire released killer mixtapes, just to name a few. To make a wild, unsubstantiated claim, maybe this is a reflection of political ideologies in America and abroad. The political unrest of the Arab Spring and the economic motivations of the Occupy movement could have quickly spread to popular music and compelled artists to make these releases.

Admittedly, that is naive and far too clean. I mean, A$AP Rocky does have a million dollar deal. Christopher Nolan is channeling economic unrest into fight scenes for Warner Bros. movie. Popular culture is never as pure as we want it to be, but through the lens of year-end lists, we can shape how a year looks.

Anyway! to the music!

25. Belong by The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

TPoBPaH excel at emulating sounds they admire. They did this with a particular sound on their first album, but really open up their influences on Belong. The title track sounds like the Smashing Pumpkins fronted by a power-pop band. The shoegaze and 1980′s influences are still used to great effect, as well, and Belong comes across as a more complete album than their self-titled effort.

24. The Mistress by Yellow Ostrich

So, hypothetically, this might have come out in 2010? But Barsuk definitely re-released it this year, so it counts. Just let it count. Yellow Ostrich use vocal loops, enthusiasm, and a great pop sensibility to turn a low fidelity sound into some of the more enchanting pop music of the year. They also released an EP about Morgan Freeman. So there is that.

23. Watch the Throne by Kanye West/ Jay-Z

First, this is a killer album, but, real talk, wouldn’t it be more killer if the second track and second to last track weren’t on it? I am just saying, Jay and Ye can do better. I’m no label executive guy, but I think we need more going gorillas and less “Made in America.”

Secondly, didn’t Jay-Z retire? Wasn’t that an event? I am not saying Jay-Z should not make music. I am just saying that Jay-Z should not have to say he is “retiring” if he just wants to go on vacation for a while.

22). Paradise by Slow Club

Not putting too much into interviews with bands, but in watching Slow Club interviews, you see instances where Rebecca has to explain popular culture things to Charles. In a way, Charles’ ignorance and Rebecca’s expertise play off each other to make pop songs that can sound familiar, inventive, in-touch, and unique all at once.

21). 21 by Adele

See what I did here?

20). XXX by Danny Brown

This might be as much an endorsement of Danny Brown’s guest appearances as it is of his album. Seriously though, have you heard his verses on other people’s tracks this year? Gosh darn. He. Goes. Wild. On XXX, Danny  tries different things with his delivery, inflection, and flow. Incredibly, it all works out wonderfully. Sidenote: Danny Brown says a lot of stuff if you catch my drift and my drift is Danny Brown talks about sex stuff.

19). You Are All I See by Active Child 

It’s still weird to me that non-emo bands put things out on Vagrant. The expansive songs of Active Child (not to mention the heavy use of HARP) go from tender to sultry to somber in a a very un-Vagrant way. That is what you get for making assumptions. You get surprised by good music! What a world.

18). W H O K I L L by Tune-Yards

This is just a fun record to hear.

17). Underneath the Pine by Toro Y Moi

If you buy into the whole chillwave descriptions of this band (false and also your choice), the funkiness of this album comes a pleasant shock. You will stand down the street saying, “Look at how funky this record is. I will never be hip.”

16). James Blake by James Blake

Do you guys feel bad for the James Blake of tennis? I mean, as bad as you can feel for a young professional athlete? Sure, the combination of James and Blake is probably common enough, but to have a pop wunderkind come in, and now everyone is saying “dubstep” and you just want to play tennis, and everyone is asking if your brother and sister don’t speak to you, and  you are super confused  by that question and just want to get back to training. That is probably what James Blake the tennis’s life is like now. Thanks for nothing, James Blake the music.

15). RUIN by elite gymnastics

elite gymnastics introduced me to k-pop through a mixtape. In some ways, the MPLS production duo sound like one big gateway drug. Their Ruin  EPs strike me as – okay, bear with me – like, if you hadn’t heard any electronic music, but you heard electronic music was great and interesting, so you imagined what electronic music was, and your brain just fucking nailed it. Also, it is 1997. That is  Ruin 1 Then, the reworked the tracks into spacey, atmospheric jams. That is Ruin 2.

14). Zonoscope by Cut Copy

The best thought I had about this fun, dancey record was the idea of creating an alternate version of Zonoscope called Bronoscope where I just add the word “bro” to the titles and then overdub me singing “bro” onto some tracks. Results would include, “Take Me Over, Bro” and “Phar-bros & Pyramids.” Bronoscope is scheduled for a Q3 release in 2012.

13). Days by Real Estate

This album is perfect for all seasons. Any quiet or down time you have in any season, just play this. It will make sense of everything and your life will be beautiful and soft sounds will float around you and things will be okay for a little bit. You will feel like you are fourteen years old again, but the fourteen years old where the air in your lungs is so fresh and you so strong and fast, not the fourteen years old where you are weird and creepy and doing stuff that you don’t want to talk about in polite company.

12). 808′s & Dark Grapes II by Main Attrakionz

Lots of news in 2011 about a certain young rap collective from California, but everybody got it wrong. We all should have been talking about Main Attrakionz (some people were, thankfully). It’s hazy rap, it’s carefree rap, it’s thoughtful rap. The beats are interesting and varied, so Main Attrakionz never fall into a lull or pattern. In a year where lots of hip-hop sounded different from everything else, this album sounded the most different (ugh, I know. Just go with it).

11). Father, Son, Holy Ghost by Girls

I thought I had Girls figured out. I thought I got their aesthetic (flowers and guitars in four panels with the same type under it all). I thought I knew their sound (jangly and referential, with varying levels of production). Father, Son, Holy Ghost changed that, though. Sure, it’s the same type on the cover, but words replaced pictures. The styles that Girls are referencing have expanded (the straightforward Girls-pop of “Honey Bunny” to the indie rock of “Alex” to the hard rock of “Die” and the Jackson Browne/ Tom Petty-ness of “Magic” are just some of the easily accessed examples). For how much I loved their first album, I might have subconsciously dismissed Girls as gimmicky. However, Father, Son, Holy Ghost made me realize that this band has much more going on than two records and one EP can show.

Next! Top Ten! 

(images via gg-media.org)

Well, is not that something? A fun episode of Gossip Girl! Chuck wasn’t even involved that much! I did not know I could be so entertained by Dan and Blair joshin’ around the office. Color me impressed, Gossip Girl! Color me not very impressed for the rest of the episode though. Too much parent stuff! Too much business stuff. Next time, counter Dan and Blair’s madcap internship with Chuck and Nate becoming Russian spies for the episode (Spoiler warning: that episode would be great).

Dan and Blair are doing that thing they do now, walking down the street, discussing culture, on the first day of their internships. Blair will be interning at W Magazine and Dan will be interning at Conde Nast publishing (which publishes W. HMMMMMM?). Soon, Dan and Blair find out they will be interning together. Ahhhhh, crisis! Competition! Working in close quarters! Dan and Blair are definitely going to do “it” during February sweeps.

Eric has been spending a lot of time with Damien Dalgaard since Eric wants drugs and Damien sells drugs. Later, after being told to stay away from the Van Der Wood Sens, Damien wants to hang out with Eric for real, not drug dealing reasons. Kid needs to get his ears checked!

Chuck is fucking Raina, the daughter of the guy who owns Bass industries now. This is a conflict or something? And Nate’s dad is conflicted? As is Nate? This plot wasn’t very good. Boring story short, Nate’s dad does not want to hang out with Nate anymore. Chuck continues to sex with Raina (I am aware I wrote “sex with”).

Lily continues to be a great person. She sends ex-con Ben a bunch of money. Ben sends it back and Lily opens his angry note in front of Serena and Rufus. Lots of laughs to that. Everyone is angry at Lily. Serena finds Ben. They hang. Later, Ben gives an encouraging speech to Eric. Serena totally wants him definitely now. Rufus offers Ben a room in Brooklyn. That is going to be super awkward for Dan when Ben and Serena start doing “it” (which they definitely will).

ANYWAY, even though Dan does not have a fashion background, he excels at his internship. Blair is also putting in a lot of effort, but it is directed at the other interns (all of whom, save one, go to Ivy League schools that are not Columbia. That is a commute for an internship. A very long commute. Hopefully, they get a travel stipend [THOSE THINGS ARE NOT GUARANTEED. You would think they would be, but sometimes places say stuff like 'Really, you should be paying me for giving you this opportunity.']). So, she pours Chanel No. 5 into a drink presented by another intern. She tries to trick Dan about shoes. Maybe if Blair spent some time on hard work, she would beat Dan on her own merits.

W Magazine will be launching a blog soon. Maybe Dan could write something for it? It will cover everything! Literature, fashion, art, culture, pogs, music, real estate, food, and weird old tips to cut down on three pounds of belly fat per week. To launch the blog, W will be having a party (THANK GOOD) where Lynn Hirschberg will be addressing the partygoers. CRISIS ON INFINITE GOSSIP GIRLS THOUGH, her plane is delayed! W is scrambling for another author to talk at the blog party. Dan figures he can definitely shine since he knows Jeremiah Harris (a fake author played by the real Jay McInerney). Blair knows lots of people, so she tries to get Lorrie Moore (More like Lorrie MAKES MY HEART SOAR). I am onboard with a  Lorrie Moore cameo. Make it happen!

Blair and Dan agree not to sabotage each other, but Dan figures Blair will go back on her word so he calls Lorrie Moore and tells she is not needed at the party (which would be a heck of a trip from Wisconsin. Hopefully, she was not on her flight yet). Way to be a dick, Dan. Blair does not sabotage because Blair is a classy person.

Jeremiah Harris arrives at the party. Lorrie Moore does not. I guess Dan wins. That is, until Blair realizes what went on. Cue the argument. Cue the physical altercation. Cue them rolling around and getting fired. Cue them doing it on the floor? Probably not for a few weeks.

Dan and Blair, cleaning out their desks, have a discussion where Blair reveals she has worked very hard for this internship and Dan just got it through Lily being Lily. Dan feels bad. After Blair leaves, he calls the magazine and takes blame for everything. Blair gets her position back. And perhaps a higher estimation of Dan. . . ?

NEXT WEEK: 43 minutes of Blair and Dan hate-doing-it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have never been terrorized by someone claiming to be a dead friend. Therefore, I do not know how I would react if said terrorizer was trying to help me uncover the mysteries surrounding my friend’s demise while also treating me like a plaything. However, I think it is safe to say that I would be uncomfortable if that sort of thing started to feel normal. For the girls on Pretty Little Liars, this scenario may be becoming normal. It is hanging over them less like a horrible crime and more like the SATs. It’s like “Whoops, pop quiz” rather than “Whoops, potential death.” Kids these days.

Anyway, time for another dance! Pretty Little Liars High has many social functions.

Hanna is the chair of the dance. Since her leg just healed, she is making Aria do the physical labor. Aria wishes Hanna would break her other leg. When you live the endangered existence of these girls, you can joke about things like this.

Still dealing with Maya’s leaving, Emily finds she cannot contact her paramour. Apparently, Maya’s cellular phone has been programmed to only receive calls from her parents and not her lover. Hanna suggests Emily speak to the new bad boy in town, Caleb, who can upgrade her phone so she will be able to contact Maya. This is Caleb.

He reminds me of Toby without the incest and the charisma.

Cool phone hacking. Anyway, Hanna is searching for a job to help pay back her mom for the money A stole. While trying to be gainfully employed, Hanna finds her mother is in more debt than originally expected. Sean is unsympathetic because he thinks Hanna just wants to buy some new earrings. Women be eventually shopping, he thinks.

Last episode, the girls found a salacious new video connecting Alison with Ian, Spencer’s new brother-in-law. At the beginning of this episode, the girls are almost caught by Ian while watching the video. They resolve to bring the snuff film to the cops. However, when Spencer opens her bag at lunch time, she finds a yearbook where  she expected her laptop. While looking for her laptop, she runs into Ian and things are WEIRD with undertones of WHAT. Ian definitely knows that the girls know he filmed a snuff film with their best friend.

Aria’s mom (who has been gone for a while, what the deal, ABC Family? Do you hate Charmed?) comes to the dance preparations with Aria’s old babysitter, S1mone, who has found some writing success online. Aria and S1mone have a conversation about writing which is the worst (as are most writing conversation son ABC Family shows. Some lines – “Don’t dis it. There might be a really good story in there somewhere.”  ”Two short stories in an online journal and your mom thinks I’m J.K. Rowling.”  ”And when you win that Pulitzer you better thank me for making you turn of The O.C. and read Wuthering Heights.” – That’s ridiculous because The O.C. is great. Fuck you, S1mone.)  The babysitter goes to some English classes and Aria’s mom makes Mr. Cool Statutory Rape take her out for coffee. Aria is threatened by this. S1mone can give Mr. Fitz so many things, like the safety of not going to  jail and being not a criminal.

Lucas is still being weird to Hanna. It is an odd situation, because Lucas likes Hanna in that way and Hanna does not like Lucas in that way. Classic John Hughes dilemmas.

Speaking of John Hughes, Dance Time!!!!!!!!

It turns out Ian is chaperoning the dance, so that is awkward for everyone. It is also a dance-a-thon, so it is charitable for everyone!

Aria’s parents basically get back together at the dance-a-thon. Good for them! Now they can stop their daughter from making awful decisions.

S1mone is at the dance, since people in small towns can just come and go to dances as they please. S1mone really wants to “connect” with Ezra at the dance, if you get my drift, and my drift is creating a meaningful human understanding with him. This Phantogram song plays and it has been playing EVERYWHERE on TV.

Emily gets her phone back and calls Maya. The call does not go as well as she hoped (because Maya is brainwashed). Emily responds by getting drunker than anyone on ABC Family ever has, and that includes those reruns of Boy Meets World where Sean starts drinking.

Hanna gets this text message.

That seems like a pretty good rate. I guess that also means “A” is Lucas because that just seems like something Lucas wants. After Sean makes a tiff about Hanna dancing with Lucas so much, A ups the offer to $500 per dance. A is definitely Lucas. Lucas definitely has lots of money.

Spencer goes to retrieve her laptop from Ian’s office where, she assumes, he has locked it up. After getting the key from Ian’s pocket, Spencer goes to try to open Ian’s desk. She is unable to. New guy Caleb walks up and some weird things rich girls and pretty girls and dumb girls. Spencer gets him to shut up (thankfully) and leaves Ian’s office.

Aria sees S1mone talking to Mr. Fitz and goes to confront her. I take back all the stuff I said about Aria because someone unhinged enough to attack her old babysitter because they are seemingly stealing her (illegal) boyfriend (even though S1mone thinks Mr. Awful Teacher is single) can probably write pretty well. Spencer steps in and prevents Aria from making an entertaining decision.

Emily, drunk and SAYING SOME THINGS, talks to Hanna. She calls Hanna out on her treatment of Lucas. Emily accuses Hanna of leading him on through dancing. In Hanna’s defense, can’t people just dance anymore? Can’t we let the music take over our souls and just dance, nothing implied except MOVEMENT and RHYTHM and LAMBADA? Emily says Alison would be proud of Hanna. Sure, cool, cryptic. Hanna goes back to dancing. She refuses to dance with her boyfriend so he breaks up with her. Hanna is sad. Lucas time! They dance to a modern piano pop version of The Outfield’s “Your Love.” Classic tune!

Drunken Emily, with the strength of 1000 drunks, gets in Ian’s face and tells him she and her friends know what Ian did. Spencer, caught in Ian’s grasp, lies and says Emily knows that Ian and Spencer kissed. Very good mislead, Spencer. Ian responds that Spencer better be truthful about only her friends knowing, or else someone is going to get turned into a leprechaun. The girls bring Emily to Spencer’s to get undrunk. Lucas offers to take Hanna home. She turns him down because she needs to attend to her Hemingwayly drunk friend. A sees this as breaking Lucas’s heart but I see it as keeping promises to drunk friends. Hanna gets paid. Aria goes crazy on Mr. Great Teacher in the parking lot. Their love is a miraculous love. Everyone goes to Spencer’s for slumbers. They find Spencer’s laptop and a new picture of Alison in Spencer’s backyard the night she was killed.

NEXT WEEK: More clues and whatnot!

Gossip Girl, we need to have a talk. Please sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Gossip Girl, gurrrrrrrrl. I was in my barber shop, reading a New York magazine about the “Most New York” things or something. Adam Scott brought you up and compared your first season to The Age of Innocence. That is pretty apt! I get that. It makes sense. I mean, not anymore because you have stopped being great! It’s all young people searching for meaning and business deals! That’s no fun. What happened to pretty people kissing each other and drugs? Get back to those things and stop being an awful version of CNBC!

Anyway, there was a lot of CNBC stuff this week, so let’s discuss and be through with it.

Eric was on the show for 30 seconds because that is all anyone can take of his moralizing.

Nate’s father has been playing a lot of video games with young women since his release from prison. To be young and in love! Nate is concerned since his father keeps skipping job interviews that his parole mandates he goes to. Mr. Archibald counters that he was an important businessman and he cannot interview to be a janitor. So, Mr. Archibald goes to parties and schmoozes with the upper crust. He explains that schmoozing is like a job interview. “Sorry, Mr. Archibald, that is not how parole works!” – State of New York. Mr. Archibald eventually gets a job but more on that later.

Vanessa continues to move out of her apartment with Dan. Great move to move in with Dan, Vanessa! NOPE

Blair needs an internship. When her mom offers Blair an internship at her clothing designer business, Blair declines, only to accept the position when she finds her mother clothing a business lady that for whom Blair very much wants to work. To be fair, it probably won’t look so great on a resume when all of your experience is working for your mom/ destroying high school girls that look like raccoons. Eventually, Blair’s madcap scheme or whatever to get her wanted internship fails. Instead, she gets an internship with a fashion magazine. Good work for your poor decisions, Blair! Just kidding, love you girl.

Here is what is going on with Dan/ Serena/ Chuck/ Lily and I will try to do this quickly because UGH.

Lily is trying to sell Bass Industries to a specific company so she can eventually buy it back. She tells no one about this because she HEARTS drama. Chuck is trying to save the company. Serena is trying to spite her mother. Dan is trying to get up all in Serena’s guts. He keeps skipping interviews to do so. Whoops, no employment for you, Dan! Serena is mad at her mother for imprisoning her teacher, Ben (Lily thought they were fucking. They weren’t fucking. Monday night television is too sympathetic to teachers and students doing it, though). Lily has done some stuff to get Ben out of prison. Still, tells no one so they direct their ire at brining down Lily’s sale of Bass Industries. Lily, for no apparent reason, tells Chuck that his father’s old friend is buying the company. Chuck goes to congratulate him. Turns out, he was more of Bart Bass’s frenemy who did not know the company was in trouble. He phones the real buyer, tells him not to buy Bass industries, and buys it himself to spite the Bass family. Hey, way to buy a company, Spin City!

Also, Chuck is fucking/ will fuck the daughter of the new owner of Bass industries. Cool sex time!

NEXT WEEK: I dunno, but hopefully they’ll tell me how the Dow is doing during the show because kids care about business!

You know what I love? Love stories! I can’t get enough of them. Half of Blue Valentine is a wonderful love story, but that is not the point of the movie. There is a whole other half of the film that is about Ryan Gosling’s hairline. I kid. It’s about Gosling and Michelle Williams’s characters deeply out of love. “But that is the opposite of a love story, the thing you love?!” you ask me, aghast, tears streaming down your face, trembling, in the rain and wind. While I do enjoy love stories, I still thought Blue Valentine was great. Even though it wasn’t a love story. And was depressing!

Blue Valentine recounts the relationship between Gosling’s Dean and Williams’s Cindy. When we first see them, they are married with a daughter. Dean is going bald. They have a dog. General marital ennui going on, but with some sinister undertones. Like when Cindy leaves the gate open and the dog gets out and the dog dies and Dean has to bury the dog. I’d say spoiler warning but this movie is about people and not about dogs.

Just then, BOOM FLASHBACK. No Pennsylvania, no children, no dogs, no receding hairlines. Just Ryan Gosling, working as a mover, looking for love. Dean doesn’t seem very ambitious as a mover. He is just trying to find the girl of his dreams. Cindy, meanwhile, wants to be a doctor, is trouble by her parents’ loveless marriage, and spends a great deal of time with her grandmother who has recently moved into a rest home. While moving/ decorating for an elderly gentleman into said rest home, Dean catches a glimpse of Cindy. So starts their courtship.

The emotions of Blue Valentine rely upon when things are revealed. For example, when Mike Vogel’s Bobby and Cindy run into each other in a liquor store in the present, the audience is unaware of their tumultuous past relationship. Shifting to the earlier times, we learn of their relationship and its acrimonious end (and by “learn of their relationship” I mean we see Bobby just RAMMING Cindy and by “acrimonious end” I mean he forgets to pull out).

The movie’s most fascinating scenes are underwritten with what is left unsaid. Sure, there are hints of where Cindy and Dean’s love will turn sour during their courtship, and there are glimpses of a love under the surface of bitterness in their marriage, but the film revels in the ambiguity of the space between the two points. Gosling and Williams have to fill in that space with their performances and both do so very well.

The most tragic part of Blue Valentine is that neither Cindy nor Dean are completely to blame for their marriage’s end. A case can be made that one was more at fault than the other, but sympathies for either character might be loaded with personal motivations. It’s a mix of temperament, circumstance, expectations, and mistakes that break the two apart.

In closing, Blue Valentine is a swell film that will make you feel hopeless about love!

A great man once said, “Love! I can’t get enough of it!” Pretty Little Liars counters that they can get enough of it! “Too many pairings, let us break some of them up,”  says this show. At the outset, it seems two couples are going to be separated. Emily’s mom tries to keep her from Maya. The law tries to keep Mr. Fitz from Aria. Good for the law! Bad for Emily’s mom.

Perhaps this was the most jam-packed episode of PLL ever. Perhaps when I can make claims that a certain episode of PLL is the most anything, I should reevaluate the television shows I watch. Those are questions for another day! For now, Liars! I can’t get enough of it!

Emily’s mom still hates Emily’s girlfriend, Maya. Emily’s mom hates her daughter being a homosexual more and that is the real motivation for her actions. After walking in on Emily and Maya playing footsies, Emily’s mom finds some weed in Emily’s bag. Deux ex weedina. This leads to Emily’s mom getting Maya thrown in juvie. Emily’s mom is the worst. Touchingly, Emily’s friends arrange a departing tryst for Emily and Maya. That is very kind. Especially since Spencer let’s them use her room. That… is a friendly thing to do. Emily apologizes, “So sorry, so selfish,” but Maya responds “Child, I love you regardless.” Those might not be their words.

Where Emily and Maya are the Romeo and Juliet of ABC Family, Aria and Mr. Great Teacher are the Dolores and Humbert Humbert of ABC Family if Nabokov intended you to be sympathetic to Humbert Humbert and Dolores’s love.  Noel confronts Mr. Good Teacher about carrying on with Aria. He expects this knowledge to earn him a better grade on a paper. A better grade lets him play in the big game. While Mr. Good Teacher will do a lot of things (and a lot of minors), he will not change Noel’s grade. He has standards! Noel says his hand is forced and he is going to the principal.

Mr. Good Teacher gets drunk and invites Aria over. He says he loves her and that gets Aria to tell her dad that she’s sleeping at a friend’s house (EW). Aria and Mr. Good Teacher fuck, probably. When they arrive at school, there is a commotion at Noel’s locker. Someone planted a great deal cheating materials in his locker. The lesson here is that academic dishonesty is much worse than statutory rape, which will be rewarded whenever possible.

Also, the girls get this:

I guess that is a case closed on who A is then. The people who make this show also greatly overestimate the ease of sending someone completely anonymous phone calls.

Toby Cavanaugh is free to walk about town. Everyone thinks he is a murderer, though, so walking about town is no fun for him.

After A stole Hanna’s mom’s stolen money last episode, A spends much of this episode getting Hanna to do Saw-inspired feats for the cash. She gives her some money to go eat six cupcakes in front of some football players who keep taunting her with “Oink, oink.” Just then, FLASHBACK to when Hanna had a weight problem (aka wore pillows? Step up yo SFX budget, PLL). Alison catches Hanna after she has eaten a whole pie. Seemingly offering comfort we FLASHFORWARD to the present where Hanna tells Aria that Alison taught her to vomit. Just as soon as you think that Alison is a good person, they pull you back in [to the realization that she is awful and why does anyone care about her murder games]! A pays Hanna handsomely. Hanna puts the money back in her mother’s incredibly safe lasagna box hiding spot. No questions from Hanna’s mom about the money. Great parenting. Great parenting! Hanna’s mom is terrible at mothering but at least she does not hate her daughter.

Spencer’s sister decides to drop pursuing her MBA at UPenn to have lots of babies with her new husband Ian, who was once a leprechaun. Spencer is shocked by this because her sister used to be so driven. Now, all she says is “Babies, babies. I want babies. Out of my belly. In the world. Fill me with your baby juice, Ian! Sorry this is not appropriate dinner table conversation.”  Spencer believes Ian is holding something over her sister. She also overhears them talking of secrets. When Ian and Melissa are away, the girls break open Ian’s huge box and disappointingly find comic books. Just then, A sends them a video. A simultaneously lurks outside to catch the girls’ reaction.

What is the video? Oh, it’s just the Alison video that the police showed them last season. HOWEVER, this time there is added footage of Alison cavorting with IAN. Then, there is some footage of the camera on the ground and some rustling and some of Alison’s hand not moving then moving then not moving again. So, it is either a snuff film or they just saw Ian do it with Alison, and by “it” I mean forest sex. Cool video! A, who was lurking outside unseen for no reason, scurries away being chased by the girls because A very much loves closing episodes with chase scenes.

NEXT WEEK: The girls strike back! Or something? There is a dance. Also, Gossip Girl comes back next week? Plus episode two of Skins? What is television trying to do, cramming all of that quality programming on one weeknight? Tuesday called, it wants some of those shows!

I am neither a cartographer nor a geographer, but the opening card of Off The Map looks like it is lying to me.

Because that kind of looks like where they shot Lost. Also, this

kind of looks like this.

(vis Lost-Media.com)

So, I have my suspicions this is not South America. And there are other things! 

Off the Map is about a clinic in a remote area of SOUTH AMERICA. It is from the same people who brought us Grey’s Anatomy. As we open, three doctors (ruggedly handsome/stubbly/long-haired Ben, tall/dark/handsome/well-manicured facial hair Otis, and America-hating Zita) stand on a cliff, watching some people almost drown. Just watching. “Hey, look at those drowning people,” they say. “Oh shit, we’re doctors? Let us help them.” Dr. Longhair takes off his shirt, jumps in and we are OFF THE MAP.

Back at the clinic, as the bad lady vampire from Twilight rushes to the airport, a new crop of doctors arrive. They are the driven Lily, the driven Mina, and Matt Saracen. They all come to the clinic looking for a fresh start. What they get is a sting ray-ectomy.

Sweet doctoring, Dr. Longhair.

Matt Saracen is really psyched about going to the beach (when in Rome, QB1!). He is also really psyched that he won’t get sued for malpractice. (He talks a lot about sunscreen and boobs. This is not the Matt Saracen of Friday Night Lights or the Matt Saracen of Post-Grad). However, that gets on Otis’s nerves, so he sends Matt Saracen on a far away house call. Matt Saracen is guided by the young translator, Charlie. Witty banter ensues.

Dr. Longhair needs either Mina or Lily to do some extreme doctoring with him. Lily was a grrrl scout, so she gets the nod. Mina gets to stay at the clinic and almost murder elderly asthmatics.

Matt Saracen and Charlie get to the house call. The patient Otis sent them to check on has died of tuberculosis. She was on a working treatment but her husband made an executive decision to cut out the treatment. Hence, death. Now, the children are sick. QB1 tries to treat them but their father refuses. Matt Saracen says whatevs and leaves.

Lily handles her extreme zip line doctoring really well and manages to cut Michael McKean from danger. She and Dr. Longhair give Michael McKean a transfusion using fruit juice, because the jungle. There is some CHEMISTRY between them. There is also some chemistry as Michael McKean tells Lily about his recently passed wife and how he was going to scatter her ashes in a lake. As he’s being airlifted to a real hospital, Lily realizes McKean hasn’t scattered the ashes yet, so she takes him and Dr. Longhair on a canoe to do some ash scattering. The first line of the jungle Hippocratic oath is “Do no harm, but more importantly, make sure your emotions cloud your better medical judgment.” Conveniently, Lily and Dr. Longhair are both sympathetic to Michael McKean’s cause since they have recently lost loved ones. That means they are going to fuck in seven episodes.

Zita hate Americans.

Otis is upset that Matt Saracen did not treat the children. He gives Matt Saracen an ultimatum: treat the children, or go home. Matt and Charlie set out again. Things go mostly the same again, until Matt Saracen gives an emotional speech that transcends language.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t speak Spanish!

Meanwhile, back at the clinic, Mina keeps looking for exotic diseases, because jungle, and misses obvious ailments like tennis elbow and asthma. Her coworkers begin referring to her as abrasive and a bitch, which I found a little unwarranted since Mina just seemed like a person dealing with a tough first day at work. She explains she is so serious because she missed a meningitis diagnosis when working twenty hours a day in two hospitals, so a child died. This missing diagnoses thing is a pattern with her. She eventually corrects her asthma mistakes and gives her patient an inhaler. There is also a light-hearted scene where Matt Saracen asks if Mina would ever sleep with him. Mina says no, which is weird because, objectively, Matt Saracen is a handsome man. Sure, Off the Map Matt Saracen is kind of a douche, but damn girl.

After their difficult first days, the new kids gather and drink some beers, because the clinic has a full bar. They then go off in the jungle in the night to go to the beach. This show has a very loose concept of “beach” as the gang arrives at the cliffs from the beginning of the episode . They all jump off.

The vampire from the beginning returns to Dr. Longhair’s office. She evidently runs away from the clinic a lot because she is a great doctor. She also may be romantically involved with Dr. Longhair but things on that front are vague.

Just think, if we had all watched Friday Night Lights when it was on NBC, Matt Saracen wouldn’t have to be on this show. He could be on the sixth smash season of Friday Night Lights and it would be on for twelve more years and be constantly great.  However, the show does shoot in Hawaii, so good for you, Matt Saracen! Enjoy the sunshine.

Few of the male characters on Pretty Little Liars are good people. You have the teenaged boys who are muscle-bound, obtusely dickish, and devoid of chemistry, the teenaged non-muscley boys who FREAK OUT when their status as a romantic prospect is removed, inappropriate Dads, inappropriate teachers, inappropriate detectives, and inappropriate brother-in-laws. I guess Toby and Alex are ok but Alex shows up once every four episodes and Toby is battling demons (and by demons, I mean his blind sister who WANTS HIM). I guess I understand our heroines a bit more now. I ask why they don’t tell anyone about their being terrorized, but if these are the people who populate their world, what choice do they have? It reminds of this song.

Not much progress is made in the finding out who A is department. Hanna is released from the hospital. Mona celebrates by throwing Hanna a wild party at Hanna’s house. I know that every time I get over a sickness or injury, but am still not fully healed, I want to invite a high school over to rifle through my things and get drunk. Good thinking, Mona!

Spencer’s sister and the kid from The Luck of the Irish are going on a honeymoon but I do not know if Spencer’s mom means that facetiously or not. Whatever. Spencer’s boyfriend Alex is hanging out. He seems nice. Recently, he has gotten a letter for a prestigious Swiss tennis clinic. He’d rather stay in America during the summer and make money for college. Definitely can’t get a college scholarship by being good at tennis. Kids these days are so pragmatic. Spencer thinks he should follow his tennis dream that he is not serious about. Later, someone anonymously applies for Alex. Think Spencer is behind it, Alex storms off. Mysteries afoot! Spencer also figures out that her new brother-in-law has a past with her maybe-dead friend Ali. Spencer has a memory like Psych from the TV show Psych.

Emily invites Maya over for a family dinner. Emily is very nervous about the dinner because her parents are not taking her coming out well. Don’t worry, Emily! Your dad is fine. Charmed, even! Your mom? Don’t worry! She is definitely not crying in the kitchen and definitely won’t tell you that your relationship makes her sick.

Whoops. Just kidding. Emily’s mom is the worst.

Toby is back from being held for murder charges. In small town America, things just move a little slower. People are kinder, days are longer, and you just let suspected murderers out on bail. Someone is very excited about this prospect and that person is Toby’s sister. She wants to make a withdrawal from Toby’s jeans account (banking incest jokes!).

ABC Family: GOES THERE!!!!!!!!

Aria, making the smart decision to keep being romantically involved with her teacher, has things go sour when her bitter ex, Noel, attempts to blackmail Mr. Fitz for better grades. I am going to have to side with Noel on this one, Mr. Statutory, I mean Mr. Fitz. Your arguments for academic honesty go out of the window when you are groping one of your students. Granted, Noel has been a dick since we found out he might be A. In a flashback, we find that he was a dick before the series even started. During the flashback, Ali breaks Noel up with his slam piece. That is probably why he murdered her. (Sidebar: If Noel is A, he is very comfortable adopting teen girl speak for those text messages and notes. I am not saying anything but I am saying be who you are, fictional TV character)

Hanna is suspicious of her mother’s new bank loan when she finds all of the money in a Pop Tarts box. Fucking economy.Later, Mona comes over and throws the party which is super-fun for wheelchair-stuck Hanna. Her boyfriend Sean is there, which is cool. He has mellowed since Hanna crashed his car for not fucking, but he is still oblivious. Lucas, fresh off of being friend-zoneded, attends the party and drinks a bunch. Instead of slurring his speech and motor functions, the alcohol makes him an articulate dick who walks over to Hanna to tell Hanna he is not hanging out with her. He just really wants to tap that. ANGER tap that. Lucas keeps being a dick and Sean almost punches him. Hanna takes Lucas outside. They talk, Lucas reveals Ali was mean to him (calling him a hermaphrodite and all) so he smashed her memorial, Hanna says she won’t tell the cops, and Lucas leaves saying something pained. Whoa, slow down there, Conor Oberst, you are being almost TOO smooth. Maybe next time you want to woo Hanna, pick her out of a crowd and talk to her. Say you like her shoes. She’ll say thanks and can I follow you. Next thing you know, up the stairs and out of view from prying eyes. Pour some wine, you’ll ask her name, she’ll ask the tiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiime.

The party ends. Hanna is alone in her house. What a scary predicament! They leave Hanna alone too much. She checks her mom’s “loan.” All gone, with a note from A saying Hanna will get the money back if Hanna follows A’s instructions. You could put this on Hanna, but I put it on Hanna’s mother for leaving her windfall in an easily accessed Pop Tarts box.

NEXT WEEK: Closer to A. Does A like to hurt (A do A do ) Then hurt meeeee  - eeeeeeee! Also next week: Less Bright Eyes references!

This may not be considered “real” season two. Since ABC Family is ABC Family, they do things like split a program’s season in two halves with a summer premiere and a winter premiere. That makes the newest episode feel like a real, genuine season premiere! Good job, ABC Family marketing! This premiere was like seeing old friends I have not seen in a while. Hey, it’s the inappropriate educator! And the guy who is the legacy of Seth Cohen! Also, the gang! And A. I am athirst for this premiere and its secrets!

To recap: Hanna claimed knowledge of A’s identity. While hurrying to tell her friends, she was hit by a car driven by A. Whoops. I’m not saying “I told you so,” I am just saying “Next time, text the identity before you run off to get vehicularly manslaughtered.” Now that she is in the hospital, Hanna’ probably amnesic and can’t tell who A is.

What’s that, Hanna? A is Noel? Are you sure? Is there a creepy picture of him lurking by your crime scene?

That works. Noel is A. Finkel is Einhorn! I am glad this is cleared up. I guess we can take him to jail! Wellllll… we just know that Noel wrote a message on the car in which Aria and Mr. Fitz were talking and by talking I mean making out. So, there is no real proof, just SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCE. Case dismissed. Mistrial! Matlock!

With Hanna in the hospital, it is up to the rest of the gang to stay alert for more A clues. Aria and Spencer search for a the tree with a carving connecting Alison to Spencer’s sister’s boyfriend, Ian (who was once turned into a leprechaun). Surprisingly, this mighty oak has been cut down. They blame A. I blame increasingly aggressive domestic lumber interests. Don’t let what happened to Fern Gully happen to America! Later, we see A burning the tree in a fireplace, because cutting down, logging, and burning a whole tree is something that can be accomplished single-handedly.

Emily has her own battles this week. They include defending Toby’s legacy and coming out to her parents. Both prove extremely difficult. Everyone hates Toby! Emily’s mom hates gay! Emily’s dad is more understanding, but man, Emily’s mom is terrible.

The cat is out of the bag regarding Ezra and Aria. Aria, as always, is cavalier about the whole thing. She starts calling him Ezra to her friends, who are all

but Aria maintains that she can say that because she has had her hand in Ezra’s jeans and his hand has been likewise in hers. I am beginning to think that when Spencer (whose romantic history has been based on choosing people to piss off her mother/ sister) thinks your romantic choices are poor choices, you need to reevaluate things. Speaking of Spencer’s sister, she is married to Ian now. Eloping!

Hanna keeps busy in the hospital. Her mother says they have no more money troubles. The bank has finally come to its senses since putting Hanna’s mom’s ideas into practice (She saves them bundles!). No more being poor! Cool discovery!

Mona also visits and gives Hanna a cool hospital makeover!

So glad they are biffles again.

Lucas also visits a bunch. Sometimes skipping school to do so, sometimes committing felonies.

Have fun editing Jail Yearbook!

Lucas brings Hanna pudding and idles away the days. That is, until, Hanna and Lucas discuss her maybe-fever-dream, maybe-Lucas-crime sneak-and-kiss because then THINGS GET REAL. Let’s just say they have a talk that involves one of them getting ZONED. FRIEND-ZONED.

It was tough to watch but that is a conversation that HAPPENS at times. Amirite, ladies?

During another fever-dream that really seems like a dream so it’s probably real, Alison visits Hanna and reveals she is not A. She is also still alive. Are we to take it as truth? This show is carrying the torch left on the beach by Lost.

The girls reconvene in Hanna’s room to discover A has left a message on Hanna’s leg cast. Bright side is that A didn’t murder her. Small blessings!

NEXT WEEK: According to this preview, someone goes off a cliff. Also, Hanna is out of a cast. She heals quickly!